Here’s one critical mistake that partners of adults with ADHD often make: Seeking to motivate positive change, they tell their ADHD partner how much their actions (or inactions) hurt them.
It seems logical, right? If someone is hurting you, the solution is to tell them. The assumption is, they will take steps to improve those behaviors.
If that doesn’t work, you might try again—this time perhaps more emphatically expressing the depths of your hurt. Maybe add crying or screaming. Possibly they didn’t hear you the first twenty times.
Finally, you might conclude that you need a therapist to mediate—to help your ADHD Partner hear you, to have empathy, to hold them accountable. Careful, though. This risks creating more frustration, distrust, and deepened emotional rifts.
Why? Because this likely isn’t about your ADHD Partner hearing or not hearing you. And, it’s likely not about your ADHD partner feeling no empathy for you.
It’s about your ADHD Partner being able to act on what they’ve heard. (But yes, sometimes the hearing part is iffy, too, if distractibility interferes with focusing on what you’re saying.).
Unfortunately, most couple therapists have no idea how to help you—because they don’t understand ADHD.
With this post, I clarify misconceptions and offer a clearer path to clarity and harmony. You’ll find the podcast version at the end of this post.
Key Takeaway: All Is Not As It Seems
As a preeminent ADHD expert, Russell Barkley, PhD says, “ADHD isn’t about not knowing what to do. It’s about doing what you know.”
How might this play out in ADHD-challenged relationships? For example, the ADHD partner is late to every important event. If you travel together, that makes you late, too. So much stress and loss of pleasure simply because your partner “refuses to be on time.”
We might start softly by suggesting to our ADHD partner: “You need to use a calendar and set reminders.” They might give it a try—but the effort soon trails off. We get more hurt and angrier: “You’re hurting me! Why do you refuse to be on time? Why are you so selfish?”
Day after day, the cycle of frustration and misunderstanding grows more engrained—what psychologist Arthur L. Robin, PhD, and I call the Adult ADHD-Focused Dysfunctional Interaction Cycle. It’s ridiculously predictable and common. Yet, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Chances are, the ADHD partner already recognizes the need. Implementing it, though? Figuring out a system? That’s another thing entirely. This requires learning ADHD-specific strategies, creating external structures and routines, and possibly medication adjustments.
If You’re Just Skimming This Post
Just to clarify for anyone quickly scanning — this post is not about putting all the work on the non-ADHD partner. Quite the opposite. Sustainable progress in ADHD-affected relationships requires both partners to be actively engaged in learning and using ADHD-informed strategies.
The point here is that simply telling your ADHD partner, “You hurt me,” often doesn’t lead to change — not because they don’t care, but because ADHD’s executive function challenges make consistent follow-through harder. The goal is to replace repeated emotional appeals with collaborative problem-solving that works for both partners.
In my books and courses, I go into detail about how each partner can do their share of that work so the relationship feels balanced and both partners’ needs are respected.
Pathological Demand Avoidance? Weaponized Incompetence? RSD?
If we self-educate mostly online, though, we might latch onto alternate explanations for our ADHD Partner’s seeming lack of care in doing/not doing the thing we ask of them.
Superficially, the explanations we find resonate—profoundly. Unfortunately, they don’t shed light on why the behavior is happening. Neither do they point to paths for healing. In fact, they risk making things worse. For example, consider these three snappy terms promoted online:
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA):
This is a very controversial and only-proposed sub-type of autism spectrum disorder, defined by characteristics such as a demand avoidance. Defined as a greater-than-typical refusal to comply with requests or expectations. Pathological Demand Avoidance: Current State of Research and Critical Discussion
Weaponized Incompetence:
Another term that websites use to boost traffic. Especially on TikTok.
It’s generally defined as a passive-aggressive behavior where someone intentionally or unintentionally pretends to be unable to complete a task, forcing others to take over. It used to be called, “Playing dumb.” For example, a partner might claim they are a bad cook in order to avoid making dinner.
They might also forget half the items on a grocery list, or put groceries away randomly—with hopes they’ll never again be asked to repeat the task. While this surely can happen, ADHD or not, Weaponized Incompetence is typically not the correct label for what we see with ADHD.
Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)
RSD is described as a condition that causes people to experience extreme emotional pain in response to rejection, criticism, or failure—even to simple questions such as “Did you bring in the mail”?
“And then his RSD kicks in, and I can’t say anything else” — that or similar is repeated on the Internet ad nauseam.
When the partners of adults with ADHD wrongly perceive alleged RSD as causing the “meltdown” reaction, they typically start walking on eggshells. That helps no one and it can cause enormous harm. (Look for a future post fully explaining the problems with the cynical marketing of the term RSD in the context of ADHD.)
Again, these terms can strongly “resonate” with people who are desperate for answers. Moreover, the marketing forces pushing these terms are great at manipulating Google rankings. But that doesn’t mean these terms accurately explain what is happening. Instead, think of them as “fast food” that reduces overwhelming complexity to simple understanding. Trouble is, that understanding is often wrong.
What Works Better Than Saying, “You Hurt Me”?
Right now, let’s take a closer look at why telling your ADHD partner they’ve hurt you, especially in certain ways, at certain times, and with via certain “hot” terms isn’t helping. More importantly, let’s explore what might actually work instead.
Please know: One blog post cannot tell you all you need to know about Adult ADHD relationship strategies. If it could, I wouldn’t have toiled for years writing two comprehensive books and hundreds of blog posts. Here I hope only to spark new thought and optimism and question assumptions You’ll find comprehensive resources at the end of this post.
Start Viewing Challenges Through the ADHD Lens
ADHD often comes with an entirely different way of processing emotions and managing behaviors. It’s not a matter of simply deciding to change once hurt is understood; it’s about overcoming significant neurological and logistical hurdles.
Think about it: Adults with ADHD commonly struggle with impulse control, memory, time management, motivation, initiation, and emotional regulation. Even with the best intentions—and plenty of empathy—creating behavior change and new habits often requires ADHD-savvy strategies.
Insisting that, “If you loved me, you would do/not do X” or “But we talked about this!” typically only makes things worse. Complaining that, “You have no empathy” is more likely to create divides, not build bridges.
So often, the partners of adults with ADHD simply don’t know what they are up against—and neither do their ADHD Partners.
Example: “I’m Supposed to Forget About My Feelings?”
For example: A woman with a male ADHD Partner writes in an online forum (paraphrasing):
How do your ADHD Partners react when you tell them they’ve hurt your feelings? My husband can’t seem to grasp that I’m allowed to be upset. He immediately shifts the focus to his own feelings, saying I don’t understand him, or he spirals into “I’m a piece of shit; everything I do is wrong.” It makes me feel worse when he pulls this emotional manipulation. As though I’m supposed to forget about my feelings and make everything okay for him. This usually happens at night when his meds have worn off. I try to be understanding, reminding myself it’s just the ADHD, not him. But lately, I feel like I’m not allowed to have emotions anymore.
Is It Emotional Manipulation—Or Defensive Overwhelm?
This situation might feel like emotional manipulation. It might look like emotional manipulation to outside observers. You might feel entirely justified in wondering if your partner is intentionally trying to make you feel guilty for “having emotions”. Before latching on that conclusion, you might want to consider ADHD-specific explanations for this behavior.
This pattern of defensiveness is not uncommon in ADHD-affected relationships. We might even summarize it as “Deny. Deflect. Minimize.” Sure it’s dysfunctional. But is it emotional manipulation? Is her ADHD partner intentionally truly making her feel guilty for having feelings? Let’s dig a little deeper to ponder the possibilities.
Distorted Interpretations Fuel Negative Emotions
Remember: What we tell ourselves about an event determines our emotional reactions. This is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy 101. Misinterpret the event and we can put our emotions through the ringer. This applies to individuals with ADHD but also both partners in an ADHD-challenged couple.
Sure, emotional manipulation is always a possibility, ADHD or not. So is “gaslighting”. (You’ll find a blog post on ADHD and gaslighting at the end of this post.)
On some level, her ADHD Partner might have subconsciously learned a long time ago to avoid uncomfortable conversations by turning the tables— “You do that, too!” I explain this not common-enough ADHD relationship phenomenon in Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?
More often, though, this reaction stems from feeling overwhelmed, misunderstood, or incapable of fixing the situation. In other words, the best defense is a good offense. To make matters worse, these conversations often happen when:
• Your ADHD partner’s brain is already fried from a taxing day
• You are exhausted and resentful from continuing to carry an unequal burden of responsibilities
Look Beyond ADHD Symptoms: Poor Coping Responses
To start getting clarity, we self-educate on ADHD symptoms as well as the common “poor coping responses” common to late-diagnosis ADHD.
They’re called “poor coping responses” but sometimes they’ve served as strong survival instincts. These reflexive habits have gotten them this far through a confusing world, sometimes for many decades. But then comes a time, with the ADHD diagnosis, to revise those old habitual responses into healthier ones. This takes effort and expert guidance.
Timing Matters: Minding Your Partner’s Medication Schedule
First and foremost, it’s essential to recognize the timing of these conversations. As the person noted above: “This usually happens at night when his meds have worn off.”
Remember: ADHD medication helps with more than just focusing—it plays a crucial role in regulating emotions, managing impulse control, and building emotional resilience.
When that medication wears off, particularly in the evening, your partner may struggle more with defensiveness, emotional outbursts, or even withdrawal. Especially in the early months of treatment. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about your feelings, but that their brain is simply running on empty. If you aren’t aware of your partner’s medication schedule, you might find yourself navigating a dangerous guessing game.
“There Is NEVER a Good Time, Gina!”
What’s that? I think I hear you saying, “Well, when IS a good time, Gina, because my ADHD Partner seems to think a good time is NEVER.” Trust me; I get it. Been there. Did that. Wrote the books!
The good news? This “Avoidance” strategy is common with late-diagnosis ADHD. It’s not unique to your partner’s personality. It is a predictable phenomenon with predictable solutions.
What You Hear Is Not Always The “Truth”
Without being solidly educated in ADHD, it’s easy to think that your partner’s reaction is a form of emotional manipulation or at best indifference. A lack of empathy. A refusal to cooperate. Maybe it’s been suggested that your ADHD partner is a narcissist or oppositional.
For instance, when you plea for more help around the house or more affection, maybe your ADHD partner rolls their eyes or withdraws. You might interpret this as them not caring—even of callously mocking you. And sure, in some cases, that might be true!
But consider this potential explanation: These behaviors might spring from feeling cornered and/or uncertain how to respond. Of feeling like they screwed up. AGAIN. And there is nothing to be done about it.
If you believe that the solution is “confronting” this behavior or holding your ADHD partner “accountable,” you can always try that. But it’s not generally recommended. Not by anyone who has serious expertise in Adult ADHD.
What’s more likely to work? Addressing the issues that fuel that behavior. To see those behaviors as symptom more than cause.
Example: My ADHD Partner Doesn’t Care About My Feelings
One Man With a Female ADHD Partner writes:
No matter how I bring it up, any feeling I express turns into a fight. She doesn’t care about my feelings. Instead, she gets passive-aggressive, mocks, and calls me names. Somehow my expressing a need always shifts to how I hurt her, how I never stop criticizing her. Then I’m ignored for days. Nothing ever gets resolved, and once she decides it’s over, she acts like nothing happened. It’s exhausting, frustrating, and incredibly lonely.
Let’s step back a second. Again, what if the perceived problem here isn’t his partner’s lack of love for him or emotional manipulation? What if it has more to do with ADHD symptoms plus survival mechanisms developed over years of living with poorly managed/unrecognized ADHD? Three common ones are:
- Why try? It doesn’t matter how good my intentions, I always screw it up.
- Avoidance. If I don’t even try, I don’t screw up again.
- All of Nothing. All my partner does is criticize me. I never do anything right in his eyes.
To learn how this might feel to the person with long-unrecognized ADHD, check out: When ADHD Feels Like Not Being Good Enough.
Break the Dysfunctional Cycle: Problem-Solve Together
So, what’s the alternative? If telling your ADHD partner how much they hurt you isn’t working, what might work better?
One of the key strategies is shifting the focus from emotional hurt to pragmatic problem-solving.
Adults with ADHD often struggle with recognizing how their behaviors affect others. It’s often not because they don’t care (though the defensive act can look that way). Rather, it’s because they’re caught up in the whirlwind of their own challenges. When conversations focus solely on emotional hurt, it can feel like a vast unsolvable puzzle. Panic sets in. The reaction is shutdown—or worse.
Instead of dropping the problem in our ADHD Partners’ lap and expecting them to fix it, we can try approaching the issue with the non-critical goal of plain old problem-solving. Sit down together for 5 minutes and, on paper, note the challenge and brainstorm solutions. Pick one, draw up a plan, and implement it.
Didn’t work? Neutrally and factually, examine where the plan went wrong. Trouble-shoot. Were no reminder systems in place, or were they ignored? How can that change?
Still didn’t work? Go to the next idea on the list and try again. The idea is not to simply give up when the first idea didn’t work.
If you feel you can’t even get to the point of sitting down for 5 minutes, then back up all the way to ADHD foundational lessons. As I cautioned, one post cannot possible address all the complexity. Instead, we go step by step, starting with the most basic and building to the complexity. For many adults with ADHD, it will be best to optimize medication and sleep strategies before attempting to boost cooperation.
Reality-Check Your Beliefs and Gather Facts
It’s hard to overstate this : Partners of adults with ADHD often fall into the trap of believing that if they just express their pain clearly enough, their partner will change. If only it were that simple! But it’s not.
ADHD is a complex condition. It involves neurobiologically driven behaviors. But again, in the case of late-diagnosis ADHD, it also involves dysfunctional coping responses that have become deeply ingrained over a lifetime.
Neither symptoms nor coping responses can change in a positive way without consistent, informed strategies. Not general therapy awkwardly shoe-horned into Adult ADHD. Not even ADHD coaching when it comes to these complex couple issues.
For Example: Not Coming To Bed When Promised
Instead of saying, “You hurt me when you stay up all night instead of coming to bed when you promised,” try framing it as, “I’d love for us to find a way to wind down and go to bed together at the same time. Can we brainstorm some ideas?” This takes the pressure off your ADHD partners to fix a problem they might not even fully understand—and shifts the focus to solving a puzzle.
For some adults with ADHD, the solution might be a matter of better organization in the evenings around bedtime routines. Once their head hits the pillow, they go right to sleep.
Others, though, might be grappling with an ADHD-related sleep disorder called Delayed Sleep Phase. It’s basically an out-of-sync Circadian Rhythm. They don’t feel sleepy and can’t go to sleep, perhaps not for hours. They subconsciously cope with this by streaming videos or distracting themselves in other ways electronic.
Get Educated Now On What Is Actually Happening
We typically don’t address this by extracting agreements to be in bed by a certain time. That is a setup for horn-locking—and failure.
We also don’t assume that we know why the sleep-related behavior is happening. Unless we are very well-versed on this topic, we could be absolutely wrong. For example, if we don’t understand the phenomenon playing out before us, we blame night-owl habits on screen addiction. And, while that can be part of it, it’s often putting the cart before the horse. That is, ADHD symptoms can fuel a tendency to gravitate to an electronic screen for passive stimulation.
We address this by learning about what’s happening and taking informed steps to address it. To help you start wrapping your head around these concepts, check out this free video from Solving Your Puzzle Piece: Practical Supports. It explains how ADHD-related sleep issues become ADHD couple issues when we’re operating from ignorance.
Understanding Paves the Way to Creating Positive Change
Let me be absolutely clear: Understanding your ADHD partner’s challenges does not mean tolerating dysfunction.
Yes, it’s important to view their behavior through the ADHD lens, but that doesn’t mean your needs should be overlooked. To create a happier, healthier life together, it’s absolutely necessary to navigate gray area.
Building a healthy relationship requires both partners to:
- Work together
- Troubleshoot challenges
- Create workable solutions
It’s a journey, but it’s one that can ultimately lead to a stronger, more connected relationship. By shifting from emotional appeals to ADHD-informed, practical problem-solving, both partners can work toward creating a more supportive and less frustrating dynamic.
Some couples can begin this right away. Some will need a stronger foundation. Nothing is cookie-cutter or universal about Adult ADHD. It can all feel overwhelming unless you take it step-by-step. In other words, setting up a shared online calendar and expecting your ADHD Partner to use it without fail (or at all)? Well, it might work for some folks. For others, it points to “denial” of how entrenched ADHD-related issues with “time blindness” truly can be.
Trying a shared calendar without building a solid foundation for supporting Executive Functions is like trying to put curtains on the 9th floor of a building—when the foundation hasn’t even been laid! I explain this in-depth in Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle: Practical Supports.
Check out this free preview, which explains what it means to make life “ADHD Friendly”.
More Resources To Support You
It’s more true than I can express: Understanding how ADHD potentially affects relationships —or life in general!— takes more than a blog post or a video. You’re not going to get what you need on Tik Tok. There are many layers, variables, and strategies that require deeper exploration.
What sets my work apart is a sophisticated but clear focus on understanding ADHD at its core—how it affects behavior, communication, emotional regulation, even sleep and health—and then applying evidence-based strategies that work with those unique challenges. Step by step.
Relying on traditional relationship advice risks intensifying ADHD-challenged couple troubles. This is hard for some to accept, that they cannot wholly trust the “mental health profession” to guide them. Even those claiming specialty in ADHD.
I’ve been in the trenches with you for 25 years. Your problems and suffering are front of mind. That’s why my approach is grounded in solid research, clinical evidence, and practical experience with adults who have ADHD and their partners.
Comprehensive Guide to Adult ADHD, Especially Relationships
In my first book, I guide readers through healing dysfunctional cycles and laying the groundwork for teamwork and building stronger connections. If you’d like to learn more, it’s available on Amazon and most anywhere you purchase books (including audio books): Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?, by Gina Pera
For those seeking to turn these insights into action, my online training provides practical guidance and support for ADHD-challenged couples.
Online Training — In Your Own Space (With Group Support If Like!)
Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle: Foundations will ground you in solid, sophisticated understanding of late-diagnosis ADHD, in particular. It goes way beyond the stereotypical explanations and advice in guiding ADHD-challenged individuals and couples. In essence, this brings directly to you the core or our Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy™ model. This flexibly merges what we know works for Adult ADHD and for couple therapy. (Read expert endorsements.)
Plus, you have the option of group support—because peer validation and camaraderie can be invaluable.
Or you can skip ahead to training focused on Physical Strategies (optimizing medication, sleep, exercise, nutrition) and Practical Supports (learning about Executive Functions and how to strategically support them in getting things done—as individuals or a couple)
Group Support for Partners of Adults with ADHD
A support group for the partners of adults with ADHD? That struck many people as a strange concept in 2003. That’s when I advanced it in an essay that went “viral”.
More than 20 years later, the need still remains puzzling to some. That includes some mental-health professionals—even those with high-level adult ADHD expertise. Yet, ADHD Partner Group is still going strong, internationally.
The goal is providing support, validation, and education.
Learn more here: Why A Support Group for Partners of Adults with ADHD?
Podcast Version of This Post:
Links to Related Posts
As promised, here are links to my other posts:
Knowing the Facts Makes You Gaslight-Proof
When ADHD Feels Like “Not Being Good Enough”
ADHD In Relationships: Five Radical and Essential Tips
I hope this post sheds light on a major source of pain and conflict for ADHD-challenged individuals and couples—and encourages you with optimism about moving past it. Your thoughts always welcome!
—Gina Pera
36 thoughts on “Why Telling Your ADHD Partner “You’re Hurting Me” Isn’t Helping”
Ah Gina, I read the book, I followed this blog and Orlov’s blog religiously, I extensively tried to understand the condition, I basically rebuilt my own values, tried to help him, remember him, brainstorm solutions, lowered my expectations and my guard/intuition to abyssal levels; because I loved him, and deeply empathized with his struggles. That left me vulnerable to his “poor” (to put it lightly) coping mechanisms, for years. I’m “free” now, I literally had to leave my country to get away from him, a pretty much unemployable 40 years old with the mind and behavior of a spoiled child throwing a tantrum 24/7, with ZERO self awareness and an ego the size of his inability to function as an adult (but very good at pretending he does). I now struggle with anxiety, paranoia, I have panic attacks, I struggle with believing things, trust… I believe your work is important, but my experience turned me into the person who will say “run while you can!!!”.
And of course, my partner was an extreme case, but something that kept me trying was the idea that “he can’t help it, he has ADHD” (medicated, by the way). My therapist would tell me “oh, this is not ADHD, this is abuse!”. Is that so? Where do we draw the line?
Hi Jana,
Thanks for your question. It’s an important one. Please let me clarify right away:
I would NEVER say “He can’t help it. He has ADHD.” Never never never never.
I would never say, “Deny yourself. Make yourself small. Give everything you have, and then some, to this person, and you’ll be happy.” Absolutely NOT.
When people finally find me, after years of struggle – often including many rounds of therapy — they ask, “Is there hope?” I tell them that I can’t answer that for them. People want simple answers, but I don’t have them. Simple answers are, essentially, lies.
I can help to educate on recognizing phenomenon, how they might relate to ADHD, and the treatment strategies that have the best chance of working. After that, it’s up to them.
So, please don’t confuse me with the bevvy of amateurs marketing themselves as experts or the endless influencers.
From the beginning, I’ve helped readers to navigate gray area. Some therapists will say “That’s not ADHD, that’s abuse” and some will say, “You need to understand more. Help him more.”
Both miss the point — and risk doing great damage. I think this will become clear if you re-read the book. Many people skip over the details, so eager are they to finally have an answer. Upon re-reading, they catch what they missed before. And that is, lots of gray area and variability. People with ADHD are not clones.
Some people don’t even get past Section 1 before they’re running off to find a prescriber. That seldom ends well. I wrote the chapters on mediation for a reason. If we could depend on prescribers, even self-described ADHD specialists, to get it right, I wouldn’t have bothered. Most prescribing, I’ve come to see, is sub-standard. Truly.
At any rate, it is up to each individual to decide how they want to approach their situation. If they believe there is something salvageable in the relationship, if they feel their partner is a good person struggling with all the “noise” that poorly managed ADHD can create, they might decide to invest time and effort in education. I mean really invest in implementing the strategies I detail in my first book (second book, and training). If they’re smart, they set a deadline and goals.
On the other hand, if they learn what they are up against and decide, “Nah, that sounds like too much work, and I don’t believe there is a really good person here,” that’s another choice.
I have been very clear about this in many posts over the years, including this one: https://adhdrollercoaster.org/breaking-out-of-adhd-relationship-dysfunction/
Some people are fooling themselves. They don’t want to walk away from their “investment” and so will continue to put more time, effort, money, etc. into a never-filling hole. The online mess tells them to have more empathy, help more, accommodate more, and that hits them in a vulnerable place. But that’s their choice.
I’m glad that you have your life back and I wish you all the best is healing.
g
From my perspective, if you are in a relationship where there is no clear, honest, kind and respectful communication, get out. It’s not fair to blame the non-adhd partners for “misunderstanding,” we didn’t misunderstand, we understood exactly what they showed us with their behavior. Relationships are delicate and fragile enough for one person to be put in a position of ruminating about the other party’s intentions. While it might work for some lucky and mature couples, it didn’t work out for me. I am sorry for every naive soul who got into a relationship as this with the best of intentions, only to find out that this is what they are up against.
Hi Mimi,
Thanks for reading.
I’m not sure who you think is blaming the “non-ADHD partners” (a phrase I never use, because I know too many dual-ADHD couples, and the issues are the same). Especially for “misunderstanding.”
I encourage you to read it again, and see if you might be unfairly blaming me for saying something I did not say. 🙂
There’s no law that says anyone must stay in these relationships and tough it out. You are free to go. But some people cannot go, and some do not want to go. They want a happier life.
From my vantage point, knowing 10,000+ folks in these situations, I can say that understanding can be the key to restoring a happy relationship for many.
cheers
Gina
I agree wholeheartedly. Ideally before marriage. I don’t believe in divorcing over these things, then it’s on both for not better understanding before so now have to work through it.
But I also don’t like that this article immediately mentions medication as one of the first “helpful” things to do. My partner was on medications many times over, gave it a real go and it’s not helpful for him and I respect that.
However I do know his diet isn’t great. So this inadvertently helped me think about that. But of course that’s an added pressure to the spouse and we aren’t supposed to parent one another.
This article also warns against certain labels from online but understanding that OTHER people understand what it’s like to deal with say…..rejection sensitivity….is a huge relief in itself. Labels can be VERY useful and encouraging. I don’t think it’s unfair at all to the person with ADHD. If they struggle with that phenomenon then they should also be aware.
I’ve spoken with my husband in the past about it and it’s helped. It’s not a permenant fix, nothing is likely with these situations. But this type of article made me feel MORE hopeless. If this was the only advice I knew I’d want to give up and not bother….. because you’re right.
It’s unfair to BOTH parties if it’s not going to work and being with someone that “can’t” change …. (unfair to say about someone because of ADHD or ASD or most other diagnosis) …or won’t change and it’s harming the other person..then that relationship should be avoided. We are supposed to find a partner that we can change with and adapt with. Not enable one or the other from toxic pity.
Hi there
Thanks for your comment. I encourage you to read more at my blog, especially about medications. You can also check out many of the free videos in my online training.
The hard truth is, most prescribers don’t know what they’re doing when treating ADHD. It’s not as simple as they like to think it is. They often make matters worse. Even more devastating: They cause people to give up on the idea of medication. And that is unforgivable.
Please don’t assume that you know anything about these issues just from reading basic stuff online, which is increasingly just more garbage in/garbage out AI mess.
I’ve worked very hard for 25 years to provide deep and comprehensive education and support on this issue. I know what I’m talking about.
I care about people who feel hopeless and have no optimism and feel “this is as good as it gets.“
Generally speaking, in addition to prescribers failing them, therapists and coaches often fail them.
There is nothing simple about ADHD, which is itself highly variable syndrome. We’re talking about unique individuals with unique experiences of ADHD but who still deserve to know the evidence based treatment strategies for ADHD.
You can trust me or not. But I do happen to be an internationally respected expert on this topic. My work is highly cited and endorsed by preeminent experts in the field of ADHD and in the field of couple therapy.
Seems that you’re criticizing me… Not even doing the courtesy of addressing me directly but rather addressing another comment. Criticizing me for saying that medication can provide the foundation on which all new skills depend. But guess what? That is the truth. That is the evidence. That is the science. That is the consensus of tens of thousands of adults with ADHD.
Your partner had a bad experience and so you’re put out with at me?
I encourage you both to learn more from better sources.
Good luck to you both.
G
Hi Gina <3
I haven't read your book yet, but am excited to! I literally just finished reading, and this post was like the internet version of 'a sigh of relief' after so much fruitless searching on this topic.
I'll share why it means so much to me:
I am the non-ADHD friend.
I had a best friendship of 20 years implode. Completely.
Who walked away? ME.
After, you know, she completely broke down and sabotaged our relationship, because I, for the FIRST time in all these years told her she had hurt me and she panicked.
I could not figure it out. I know the first question anyone who should ask me: "What did YOU do wrong?" The same as you had to put your foot down for another commenter, that you know your stuff, I will tell anyone. This was not my fault.
I admit I didn't know anything about ADHD. I thought I did, because I have a fiercely sharp best friend with it and she has described her experience to me. She actually is a therapist now.
The person on topic is a high school friend, whom we both believed we would be 'friends forever' because we had such similar personalities and both had a taste for humanitarianism. Somehow incredibly, the combination caused us to never actually have a single argument before. It was our very first, and it ended the friendship.
Brutal, because it was me standing up for myself. It was the first time, I told her she needed to fix this, not me. I wasn't letting her 'be the baby' anymore. I always understood that I had a little bit of an awareness edge, but we were both kind people, so I didn't mind helping her bridge the gap whenever the conversation needed.
I was completely blindsided by her reaction.
I made the "mistake" you mentioned (air quotes because it's exactly what to do, for a non to non) of telling her she hurt me (because she had- BADLY) and she panicked. Now, after reading about ADHD, it was like mindlessly checking off a list, yep, that happened, yep that happened… etc. She made so much unnecessary chaos during this time I started relating her to Winston from the show 'New Girl'- he has a running gag of never knowing how to properly pull a prank, it's either way too little (say wood shavings next to someone's car) or way too much (let's destroy his car). Again, I did not understand ADHD, and if I did, it was from someone who understood herself.
As you said, it was not an example of: "I understand, I won't do it again." I think I was a safe spot for her and think I tripped some kind of horribly ugly insecurity that ADHD had caused. She tripped one of mine too- hence my speaking up and setting a boundary. Though, our reactions were very different. This may be a more extreme case of the ADHD symptoms, but it's been six years and I've still been trying to unpack what happened.
I'm sorry for bringing my personal story to your comment section, but I wanted to thank you for writing this article, because I found myself in a strange position. I didn't like the me that threw in the towel and left, but I ran out of patience- it actually still hasn't come back. Our mutual friends have tried to get us to reconnect, but I refused. Peace is both people raising their hands to shake. Oddly, I can't. I'm not a scary enemy. But I guess she knew that and because I was a trusted person that's why my "attack" was so effective. I was too much like a mirror and it wasn't about me, she struggled with herself.
Thanks again, for the mild vent.
Thank you so much for what you do, Gina.
Helping people navigate messy situations is truly a blessed calling. I am excited to read your book and still love my friend from afar.
Dear Dani,
I’m so grateful to know that this post helped you piece together the puzzle.
Absolutely no apologies! My comments section is all about the personal stories!
I understand all that you write (and, btw, I love Winston and know exactly what you mean… 🙂 )
You might especially benefit from reading the three chapters on “denial” in my first book. It has a dual nature — physiological (that is, stemming from ADHD symptoms) and psychological (defensiveness, fear of “having a disorder,” etc.).
Pretty sure you might find other folks in your life where this multi-faceted lens will be helpful. As you’ve learned, people with ADHD aren’t clones. It’s a highly variable syndrome, and there is all the rest of personality and background to consider.
So, while your therapist friend might be fairly self-aware, has probably studied ADHD quite a bit, your other friend might truly be operating in the dark. But still convinced that you did her wrong. Sad.
Take care and thanks again.
Gina
P.S. And also thanks for understanding that, elsewhere in a response to a comment, I wasn’t being rude. I was drawing a line. 🙂
I read your response to Poncle & feel the need to jump in. It seems like maybe you misunderstood at least part of what Poncle was trying to say. I don’t think that post as as wrong as you leapt into tearing apart & your response seemed somewhat defensive. Before you get upset with me also, please note that I HAVE actually done your programs & have gotten other training in adult ADHD by respected experts (e.g., Ari Tuckman).
I think Poncle might have been trying to say that the ADHD partner needs to be accountable to the reality of their executive function challenges & be a bigger part of finding the strategies (i.e., doing the work). I understood that post to be suggesting that the non-ADHD partner can’t be tasked with having to find *all* the strategies & test them all out, patiently waiting for behavior change that might not seem to ever come.
When the ADHD partner isn’t equally doing the work of finding out ADHD informed strategies for accommodating their own areas of executive dysfunction, then it’s not actually *managed* ADHD. In my opinion, it is just a different version of the parent-child dynamic where the non-ADHD partner is tasked with figuring out what will work & the ADHD partner has at least some probability of not truly buying in because they weren’t equally partnering with the solutions.
Normally I see your responses as pretty equally empathetic to both the ADHD and non-ADHD partner. Perhaps you missed something in Poncle’s post, perhaps I’m reading something that wasn’t there. Either way, that was an uncharacteristically harsh & defensive response when there’s at least SOME possibility what was being referenced was the need for the ADHD partner to truly partner in the work of finding strategies to change the problematic behavior. It can’t all just be up to the non-ADHD partner–which you almost always say but didn’t there.
Hi Sonja,
I appreciate you taking the time to weigh in. I can see how you interpreted Poncle’s comment as aligned with my general teachings about shared responsibility. My intent in replying was to address what I saw as a common and harmful online narrative — that the partner without ADHD should “just” confront or demand change — not to suggest that all responsibility lies with them.
You’re right that I emphasize both partners engaging in the work of understanding and accommodating ADHD’s challenges. Much of the nuts-and-bolts strategy work — the how-to for equitable follow-through — comes later in the training, which might be why it didn’t surface in this particular exchange.
Many people can’t even conceive that this is a possibility. They view these “dynamics” in black and white terms.
And that’s why the general standard for ADHD couple therapy is so abysmal.
Gina
Gina
Since there’s no place for me to reply to your response to this post, I will reply here.
All I can say is WOW! I was extremely gentle in suggesting you may have misunderstood a point and you double down on defensive to the point that feels hostile. While I haven’t finished all the components of the 3 courses, please also know that I also don’t necessarily mark them all as done when I look through the videos. Additionally, I’ve read the book for therapists that you wrote which, ostensibly according to you, makes me fairly conversant with what you are teaching/saying given that it’s what you are saying is THE training for providers.
The funny part is that I don’t even believe we are saying different things necessarily. My entire post was to suggest that it’s very possible Poncle wasn’t saying different things than you generally do either, but your response might have misunderstood where you were aligned.
I don’t know what’s up with the defensiveness but maybe re-read your response. You might find ways that are less hostile & seeming to intend to shame me. I was merely inviting you to consider that someone who took the time to write you was actually more in alignment with your teachings than your response to them might suggest. Again. Wow!
Hi again, Sonja,
I’m not sure why you detect my response as defensive and even hostile.
I am simply being clear.
Again, these are difficult concepts for many people, especially those who bring traditional therapy models to attempting to understanding Adult ADHD, to understand.
There is the tendency to see these issues in black/white, all-nothing terms. When late-diagnosis ADHD is anything but.
You made a claim that you’d been through my training, but your comment did not reflect that. Nor did the course record. That’s all I have to go on.
I know this territory extremely well, and I stand by my statements.
Cheers
Gina
Hello Gina – Thank you for this blog post, your book, and this website. A new boiling point in my marriage that took place yesterday brought me here this evening. In the last 3-6 months, my wife of 19 years found and read your book “is it you, me, or adult adhd”. After she finished reading it and shedding many tears of hope and affirmation along the way, she asked me to read it which I did. She, the partner without ADHD, related to things we’ve stuggled with since we were dating and found hope that I might not be the jerk she has grown to believe I am. That perhaps there is some 3rd party (ADHD) involved that she/we could blame and tackle our issues together through a new lense. I read the book and found myself relating to it as well but also questioning whether I was using the possibility that I could have adult ADHD as a “crutch/excuse” for my failures and shortcomings in relationships, primarily marriage but really any and all “deep/real” relationships and connection. As much as I want to improve for her sake and believe that I have adult ADHD, I still struggle to accept the possibility that my failures are more than just not being good enough and not knowing how to change to be good enough. We’ve tried 3 counselors together and I’ve worked with 2 individually to seek solutions to our struggles. Anyway… I’m especially helpless this evening. I don’t know what to do, where to start, or if I’m just hoping ADHD could be what’s wrong with me to avoid being/feeling accountable for being a complete failure otherwise. Where do/should I start? We’re close to divorce. If we weren’t Christians that feared God, I’m quite confident she would have already divorced me. I’ve been trying, with many shortcomings/selfishenss/failures/regrets, but still trying for 19 years and would love to belive it’s possible to make her feel loved and satisfied. I have an intense mixture of thoughts ranging from numbness and frozen, anger and frustration and “screw it”, and sadness and dispair/desperation. How can ADHD be the cause of all of this? Thanks for reading, for your website/blog/book, and for the ability to type this! I should probably re-read your book but I’d much prefer help from a person to explore this and one thing I remember from your book is that it’s very difficult to find help that “gets it” the way you do and getting help from the wrong person(s) can make things worse. Thanks in advance. Email sent 🙂
Dear Jason,
Thanks for writing. I appreciate your concerns. To say that they are quite common isn’t to diminish them but to validate….you’re in the right ballpark!
First, kudos for reading the book. That is a BIG THING, and some folks with poorly managed/unrecognized/”in denial” ADHD will refuse. Some dip in selectively and then disparage me online, saying all kinds of things such as “Gina Pera blames all relationship problems on ADHD!”
I don’t. But I do say, if ADHD is part of the picture, get clear on that first and see what’s left. Seems a very efficient approach to me! 🙂
I’m sorry that those five counselors let you down. If it were only those 5, I’d feel optimistic — I might even feel I can retire! But the hard truth is that most in the field of mental health haven’t a clue about ADHD. And some that claim expertise don’t have it — and can make things worse.
This is why I have always emphasized self-education and self-advocacy.
As for “how can ADHD be the cause of all this”? Easy! Because ADHD can affect everything! Sometimes friends will say, “Gina, you think ADHD causes everything! But how can anorexia and obesity BOTH be associated with ADHD”” :-).
ADHD doesn’t “cause everything.” But I do understand erratic dopamine transmission and the myriad effects throughout the body and brain (which are connected, by the way!).
To view effects through a more practical lens, ADHD can negatively affect Executive Functions (EF): that is, planning, strategizing, initiating, remembering, motivating, changing course on a strategy when it’s wise to do so instead of continuing with a bad idea, and completing tasks.
EF affect everything in life! EVERYTHING!
People with ADHD are individuals, not clones, so this is a highly variable syndrome. I ignore stereotypes and cookie-cutters and help folks identify their particular ADHD-related challenges—and how to address them.
It’s not about blame. It’s about finding the “real” you, beneath the years of noise created by unrecognized ADHD.
It sounds like you two would benefit extremely from a solid ADHD education and evidence-based treatment.
I understand the reluctance ….. “should I medicate myself so I am a better spouse”? I hear that a lot. But apart from your marriage, this is something to do for YOU. As a side effect, your relationship might improve, too.
It’s not like cutting off a leg. That if you get diagnosed and try medications, you are locked in for the rest of your life. You have the freedom to choose. And with proper treatment, you are better able to choose instead of randomly forget, oppose, minimize, procrastinate, etc.. In other words, poorly managed ADHD can hinder free will.
I do think my training will be a HUGE help to you. My 50% off sale just ended but I’m happy to offer that to you. I’ll send an e-mail with the link, so you can look for that!
Do take the leap, Jason. You seriously have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But do it with trusted guidance, not with shaky marketing and bluster. 🙂
take care
Gina
Thank you for personally replying and for the email.
Hi Gina! I just happened on your blog while I was searching for info on the Adderall shortages which have bedeviled me and my daughter. You’ve got quite a depth of info here that has piqued my interest.
This post was relevant to a tense discussion I just had with my partner of 40+ years. I’m the ADHD adult, she’s the normie. We have two kids, a son, 19, and a daughter, 15, along with my son’s girlfriend (but that’s another story). My partner wants the kids to participate more in keeping the house clean–it’s challenging with five people and four cats. My daughter has been diagnosed as ADHD; my son wasn’t, but I see elements of ADHD in him.
I’m actually pretty well-trained in housekeeping, but she says I need to hold the kids “accountable” and we need to be “on the same page”. She thinks I’m not being strict enough, so she doesn’t like being the “heavy”. She doesn’t like to feel the burden of being more “functional” and organized.
So what I realize is happening is that she’s used her non-ADHD status as a cudgel to demean and disrespect the rest of the family. Over time I’ve learned how not to get defensive, so I’m acting as a buffer. She has a huge level of resentment, much of which comes from her childhood. If she is away for a few days, we can feel the release of tension. In particular, she’s zeroed in on our daughter, who she’s labeled as RSD, ODD, and other things. My daughter’s way of dealing with this has been to avoid talking with her–and that’s actually helped her self-esteem.
Anyway, what I wanted to bring up was that in discussions between a non-ADHD and ADHD partner, or with ADHD kids, there is ample potential for bullying to occur (there, I said it), and mutual respect is so important. Someone with ADHD is vulnerable, because they might be dealing with low self-esteem or self-awareness. From the tone of Kevin Dailey’s message, he’s in a situation like that, where his stepmom is putting him down.
I like your approach of problem-solving, because it honors where both people are coming from, and gets away from finger-pointing. I’m going to look into that.
On the subject of power struggles and bullying in conjunction with ADHD, do you have any other resources!
Thanks for all the great resources and ideas!
Hi Bob,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving your comment!
Yes, I’m all about problem-solving—it’s the only way!
I truly wish more therapy for ADHD-challenged individuals and couples focused on solving real problems. Unfortunately, much of it revolves around dredging up childhood trauma (whether or not it’s relevant), or endless discussions about emotions, feelings, and needs. While these approaches can sometimes help, they often lack a practical focus and can even be counterproductive.
Some people assume ADHD coaches can fill this gap—and sometimes they can—but more often, individuals and couples need a more comprehensive approach.
For ADHD, practical, logistical, and external supports for executive functioning are critical. Without these—and often medication—all the talking in the world won’t move the needle. It tends to make things worse, not better.
I don’t know your wife personally, but I do know many others in similar situations. She’s likely feeling exhausted, resentful, unappreciated, forced into the role of a “nag,” and perhaps even isolated—like she’s outnumbered by family members with ADHD who don’t quite understand her perspective.
I don’t know you personally either, but I’ve worked with many others in your shoes. You’re probably feeling misunderstood, discouraged, unappreciated, harangued, and frustrated.
As much as I have compassion and appreciation for folks with late-diagnosis ADHD, I have just as much for their family members. Living with poorly managed ADHD is tough on everyone.
I’ll share some thoughts, if you’re interested. Of course I cannot comment on your particular situation. But I can throw out some ideas, based on deep familiarity with these issues.
I wonder if your wife is truly using her non-ADHD status as a “cudgel” to demean and disrespect the family. Or could it be she’s simply exhausted and out of ideas—feeling like she’s failed? Does she feel that “understanding ADHD” means she must continuing trying to keep all the plates in the air until she keels over?
When someone struggles to inspire cooperation at home and is instead viewed as a scold or nag, it’s easy to become bitter, depressed, and anxious. This hypervigilant state — born of years of trying to keep the family afloat —can create a negative feedback loop.
It’s also possible that family members with ADHD, unintentionally, reinforce skewed perceptions of the non-ADHD parent. This isn’t malicious—it’s often a symptom of poorly managed ADHD that distorts perspective.
I can imagine there’s some relief when your wife isn’t around. But I wonder what that really means. Does the family relax by letting responsibilities slide? Is anyone keeping track of daily tasks?
How has your family approached learning about ADHD? There’s a lot of information online, but much of it is either incorrect or harmful. Without a solid foundation in evidence-based strategies, it’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.
You might have found my blog through its most popular post, The Tragic Truth of Prescription Adderall, or Madderall.
Are you sure Adderall is working well for you—when you can get it, that is? It works wonderfully for some people, but for many (perhaps the majority), it creates as many problems as it solves. One big issue: it can reduce self-awareness, leading the person to believe the problem is always with others, not themselves.
If Adderall is working well for you, then what collaborative strategies have you and your wife implemented in your household? ADHD management can’t fall entirely on one person—whether it’s you corralling the children or her managing everything. ADHD-challenged families need systems, routines, and habits to reliably “do what they know.”
Nobody likes to nag, and nobody likes being nagged—or given marching orders. It’s a sad way to live.
This is the linchpin of effective ADHD management: practical behavior-change strategies and, often, medication.
These strategies are at the core of our Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy model—practical, logistical, and designed to give each partner a say while fostering autonomy and accountability.
I teach these strategies in the Practical Supports “Puzzle Piece” of my online training. While I haven’t had time to write a dedicated blog post about it, you can get the gist from this page:
Practical Supports: Course 3
Maybe your family can do a “reset”. With your wife committed to learning more about ADHD, with the understanding that you and the children will also do your part in maximizing strategies. All of you collaborating. It’s possible! 🙂
Best,
Gina
Hi Gina,
Thank you for the article. You mention the term ‘gaslighting’ and how it became popular and was everywhere for a few years. My adult ADHD diagnosed wife accused me(and others) of doing this very frequently in the years prior to her diagnosis. In my reading on the topic(which you seem to confirm) the gaslighter seeks to control, gain power, or obtain an advantage in some way. This is where my confusion comes in as during the times in which I was being accused of gaslighting, I was really seeking to help figure things out or set records straight. This really hurt me as my motives were nothing nefarious and were to try to make our lives more peaceful and comfortable. In hindsight and with more education, I was really tamping down RSD, dealing with task avoidance, time management problems, and trying to reset focus for whatever the agreed upon priority was at the time. These situations/discussion did not go well.
During this time, my wife would argue/demand that she was correct and that I was trying to gaslight or manipulate her thinking. I believe she knew something was not right and was seeking to mask the issue(s) by making me (and others) out to be the reason for the issues she was experiencing. In a way, and by definition of the term gaslighting, it seems that she was really gaslighting herself into a reality that worked for her mind and thus be able to ‘control’ things in her life. So, my question is, is it possible for someone to gaslight themselves in an attempt to create a reality that makes sense to them?
Thank you.
Hi Derrick,
Great question. It’s one I’ve heard a lot — and especially hear in my ADHD Partner Men’s discussion group (for the partners of women with ADHD). You are welcome to join, by the way.
First, you should know about the connection between “denial” and brain-based disorders such as ADHD. Denial can be psychological (fear of being singled out, etc.) but it can also be physiological. That is, springing from ADHD symptoms themselves. My first book was the first and only book to explain this in detail—along with how to reach through the denial in more constructive, compassionate ways.
This post is an essay based on one of the chapters, written by a woman in a dual-ADHD marriage: ADHD Denial Can Be Brain-Based
Now, regarding “Gaslighting”:
The hard truth is that there are some very unsavory and yes narcissistic forces on the Internet and social media who ply a load of confusion and distortion around Adult ADHD.
Believe it or not, I wrote the Internet’s first article on “gaslighting” — in any context. In 2010!!
I updated it recently to address the idea propagated by a psychologist who claims a specialty in ADHD and has it herself — the idea that it’s the partners (of adults with ADHD) who are doing the gaslighting. This took off and it’s everywhere. People and the commercial interests behind them pay to boost these posts, so they reach dominance.
https://adhdrollercoaster.org/myth-busting/knowing-adhd-facts-makes-you-gaslight-proof/
Here’s an excerpt to your point:
Another example: A psychologist who publicly discloses her own ADHD diagnosis warns about the people who routinely gaslight their ADHD loved ones. The goal, she claims, is taking advantage of their poor memory to some warped end.
Surely that happens. Human predators walk among us. They take advantage of the vulnerable, especially those who have issues with recall and memory. Easy targets.
In fact, a well-known male psychiatrist with self-disclosed ADHD was known over the years for sexually assaulting women with ADHD at conferences. Was even taken to court for it. Impulsive? Intentional? Entitled? Predatory? Narcissistic? A bit of all? I think it’s safe to say that even some people with ADHD can be intentionally gaslighting — and perhaps intentionally target other people with ADHD.
After all, who would believe these “confused” women with ADHD? Especially over a well-known psychiatrist with an avuncular style? Moreover, these women often have learned not to trust their perceptions and memories. They don’t expect to be believed. They apologize.
ADHD education and treatment often helps them to become more clear about how something happened, what someone said. They become less vulnerable to other people’s forceful opinion. Yet, this, too, can be a double-edged sword. They might be able to better deflect the gaslighter’s glare but they might also reject anyone attempting to shed light on problematic behaviors.
I hope this helps
Gina
What a tragedy.
Hi Gina ,
I never at any point thought you were unaware of the issue of denial in a person with ADHD symptoms. You are extremely knowledgeable about the multitude of aspects involved in this subject. And as you acknowledge, we all have our own particular variations to cope with. I took your comment out of context.
I hear you being supportive and empathetic to Kevin. I thought you were saying you couldn’t imagine because you had not experienced it personally, but obviously you would have heard people talk of the painful alone feelings of not being able to reach your partner to be able to work on the difficulties together,
As I mentioned I am very much looking to problem solve my situation. You have a lot of material that I need to check out.
Thanks again for this conversation. I really appreciate your responses to me.
Thanks, Betty.
As someone with an ADHD partner the information is totally valid but you are advocating for the non ADHD partner to be doing all the emotional labour in the relationship, that’s doomed to fail!
ADHD or not each person needs to accept accountability, especially if they have extra needs, ADHD partners need to be doing the work and educating themselves so they can help their partners communicate in the way they prefer that allows for accountability and open and honest communication.
It is not solely up to the non ADHD partner to do all the work when as I have discovered doing that work and asking for feedback on what I can do is met with defensiveness and no follow up reflection or work on their part, it just leads to long term resentment, it might be hard to hear but if you have ADHD and struggle with these issues you do need to seek out help to learn about yourself and heal from the trauma of growing up neurodivergent so you are in the best place to advocate for yourself and have a long happy and equal relationship.
Hi Poncle,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I agree completely that both partners need accountability, and that the ADHD partner must be an active participant in learning strategies that work for them. My post isn’t meant to put all the emotional labor on the non-ADHD partner — it’s meant to explain why only using emotional appeals (“you hurt me”) often backfires in ADHD-affected relationships.
What I teach, and what we work on in depth in my courses and books, is exactly what you’re advocating: building shared, ADHD-savvy systems so that both partners can work toward change. Without that, yes — resentment builds. With it, you have a far better chance of sustained progress.
Gina
Hi Gina,
When Kevin wrote you I related to his situation of not being heard or understood.
You were empathizing with him and giving him support. I was surprised when you said you couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be in his situation. Perhaps you were lucky enough to have a partner who was open enough to learn about ADHD and could admit he/ you together were having challenges and it might be from the issues ADHD brings. Either way I do have to say I am not familiar with your books and all your personal story or material. I would imagine you hear a lot of painful stories of partners who are struggling to have a happy life with a person who is in denial about having SDHD symptoms. But hearing someone’s story and being empathetic is still not the same as going through it year after year.
So I was surprised when you said that. But you were being honest.
Also, I did not know you have conversed with Kevin for some time. I was hoping for a bit of advice about how to handle a partner in denial, so I guess I was surprised when you gave empathy and encouragement, and nothing more.
I have read your response to myself and will look up your material that you reference,
Thanks so much for your very quick response! I couldn’t find a spot to reply until now, so I do hope you get to read this. I very much appreciate the work you are doing. You are the first person I finally found who is talking about ADHD in adults and giving suggestions as to how to cope! I didn’t feel so very alone or crazy anymore! Thankyou so much!
Hi Betty,
I’m glad you’re feeling less alone. Validation is so important for folks living with late-diagnosis ADHD — in themselves or a loved one. It’s really the first, foundational step.
Given the majority of “information” online about ADHD, I can see why you were confused by my words. Lots of it is marketing by amateurs and others. I am a serious expert who has earned credentials over 25 years. But even I cannot provide the whole picture on anything in one blog comment. 🙂
I’ve produced two serious books, a chapter in a major clinical guide, 500 blog posts, and comprehensive online training. Not to mention leading the first group for the partners of adults with ADHD, since 2004.
https://ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/ginaperacommunity
With all humility, there is no one else who has my depth and breadth of knowledge and expertise. And I’ve worked very hard to get there.
ADHD, especially diagnosed later in life, is a highly complex and variable syndrome. Mostly what we see online are simple stereotypes designed to sell advertising, not to inform readers.
I think all will become much clearer to you if you read my first book: Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?
I was addressing Kevin’s situation, as a late-diagnosis young adult with ADHD. To have parents who don’t understand what he is up against. He is not complaining and he acknowledges that his behaviors negative affect his step-mother. He takes medication. It just seems a good idea to meet in the middle, to create understanding.
When I said, “I can’t imagine,” you concluded that I’d never heard of such a thing before? Of “denial” around ADHD? Absolutely I have. Again, I was the first and only to address the complexity of “denial”, in my first book. But that is mostly about the adults with ADHD not acknowledging their challenges, of rejecting the diagnosis. I do also address the “denial” of loved ones who don’t want to “believe” in ADHD.
There are struggles all around with late-diagnosis ADHD.
take care
Gina
Betty, trust me when I say I know how you feel. Most people only seem to discuss the children’s side so once again, Gina is friggin awesome for talking about the adult side of it.
Again I say, grateful to you Gina.
Kevin
Gina,
A brilliantly insightful and yet concise post. Thank you.
Patrick Carmody
Hi Patrick,
Thank you! I did work at it!
I hope you are well!
g
Hi Gina,
I was surprised at your response to Kevin. You definitely were supportive. However your comment that you “can’t imagine what it would be like to live with people that don’t make an effort to understand or find common ground” was quite unexpected.
Many people with undiagnosed ADHD in later life ( and certainly younger people as well) may have deeply ingrained dysfunctional habits of coping….Especially when they are in Denial, or have little ability or motivation to develop self awareness and acceptance of themselves.
It can causes extremely challenging patterns in relationships. I did finally give in to the point of view that my relationship with my partner was emotionally abusive and toxic. He kept telling me “I am fine. I just wished you wouldn’t get so angry and cry so much!”
Does that mean if a partner is not able to accept his part and work with you….then there is no hope?
I have backed off see him so often, I know our patterns so well and am prioritizing myself care.
It certainly has been a rough road over 7 years, now I beleive the best I can do is have solid boundaries and healthy self care habits. Thanks for listening. I love my partner and I haven’t totally walked away. I have learnt a lot through your postings!
Hi Betty,
I’m glad you’ve found benefit in my posting.
Please know….Kevin and I have had many interchanges in the comments. I should have qualified in his case, “parents.”
But still, it is extremely hard for people with ADHD who are “on board” with education and maybe even medication….to get no meeting halfway from their loved ones. And this happens. More than you might imagine.
Maybe you are unfamiliar with my work?
As the person who put these “extremely challenging patterns in relationships” on the map, starting in the early 2000s, trust me: I do understand. I was also the first to write about the dual nature of “denial”, in my first book, and it remains the most comprehensive education on that topic.
So I’m not sure what you found “unexpected” in my response to Kevin. Why is it unexpected that loved ones, especially parents, should learn about what the person with ADHD is up against? Why shouldn’t that be the norm?
Perhaps the Internet nonsense on Adult ADHD has you thinking that understanding means accepting dysfunctional behavior, much less abusive behavior? But that’s definitely not my approach. I leave that “understand more” approach to the hucksters, self-promoters, and wannabees who are dumbing down this topic and wrecking vulnerable people’s lives.
Maybe it’s true in your case…the best you can do is have solid boundaries. But maybe, just maybe, there are ways to reach your ADHD partner. They just aren’t the ways that you’ve tried.
I’m pretty adept at getting through “denial” because I know this topic so deeply and have seen what works — and what does not.
Course 1 in my online training has gotten many formerly reluctant partners with ADHD to start accepting the idea. Can’t make any guarantees. But that’s what’s been happening.
Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle: Foundations
take care of yourself
Gina
Betty, in my case I’m not undiagnosed nor have I been for many years. I had adhd when I was a child and never outgrew it. Just thought I’d mention that.
Gina, once again I truly appreciate your input. As usual you’ve been most helpful and supportive.
Kevin
Thanks, Kevin.
Anytime, Gina.
And Betty, just as Gina mentioned, she and I have discussed this stuff quite a bit. And she’s been so supportive.
Kevin
While not in a romantic relationship with someone, my stepmom and I go through this same thing all the time. Sadly though I don’t know how to talk about it without only her side being heard and my side is looked as excuses, wasting time, selfishness, lies, etc. Now I will admit right now. Some of that is true, unintentional but true. But the same things keep happening to the point that I’m afraid to talk about my problems. EVEN THOUGH MY PARENTS WANT ME TO! I’m scared to say anything fearing ridicule. I don’t want to argue or lie. But it always seems like thats what happens. When I have a problem, I try to deal with it only to be in the wrong every single time and I’m unsure of how to handle it.
Hi Kevin,
From your other comments here, I understand this happens a lot.
I cannot imagine what it would be like, to live with people who don’t make an effort to understand, to find common ground.
The hard truth is, it takes a lot of intelligence and empathy to dive into ADHD’s complexity. And not everyone is up to the challenge.
take care of yourself
Gina