Everywhere you turn online, ADHD relationship advice is quoting John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Yet, what looks like relationship failure may actually be ADHD symptoms in disguise. Dismounting the horsemen without addressing poorly managed ADHD is unlikely to save any relationship. Let me explain.
Therapists, coaches, and blog writers repeat the same warning: These four “communication styles” will doom your marriage unless you replace them with Gottman’s “antidotes.” It sounds authoritative. It sounds research-backed. Right?
Here’s what can be dangerously misleading — especially in ADHD-affected relationships: Gottman’s research never showed these four behaviors cause divorce. At best, they’re symptoms of a relationship in trouble. And guess what? These behaviors appear with striking frequency in ADHD-challenged couples. Trying to stamp them out without first understanding and managing ADHD is like mopping up water without fixing the leak.
This is part of a larger problem for ADHD-affected couples seeking professional help: Therapists often focus only on the visible damage — the marks left behind — without asking what’s actually causing them. Even when ADHD is acknowledged, it’s extremely rare to find clear, reliable guidance for changing the underlying patterns.
To be clear, some couples do find Gottman’s framework helpful — especially when ADHD is not a factor. The problem comes when therapists apply the model without adapting it to ADHD realities and evidence-based strategies.
In This Post: Gottman for ADHD?
In this article, you’ll learn:
- Why Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” are symptoms in ADHD relationships — not the cause
- How correlation gets confused with causation in relationship research
- What Gottman’s studies really show (and don’t)
- How poorly managed ADHD can fuel each “horseman”
- What the first (published) ADHD-focused study on this topic revealed
- Why “Four Horsemen” interventions often fail when ADHD isn’t addressed first
- How to protect your relationship from therapy models that don’t fit
The Four Horsemen: From Bible to Therapy Office
In the Bible’s Book of Revelation, the Four Horsemen symbolize Pestilence, War, Famine, and Death — harbingers of the End Times.
Gottman adapted the metaphor for relationship enders:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
He claims these behaviors strongly predict divorce. His “antidotes” are:
- Use a gentle start-up
- Take responsibility
- Describe your own feelings and needs
- Practice physiological self-soothing
In his lab, Gottman correlated the presence of these behaviors with eventual separation. The key word: correlated. The missing word: caused.
Gottman Shows Correlation, Not Causation
Again, Gottman calls these Four Horsemen “predictors.” Trouble is, many therapists and websites treat that as proof they’re the cause of relationship breakdown — and that removing them will “divorce-proof” a marriage. That’s a leap the evidence doesn’t support.
As statistician Nick Barrowman explains in The New Atlantis (Correlation, Causation, and Confusion):
“Gottman’s predictions were based on a correlation between observable behaviors and subsequent outcome… Nor does it imply that changing those behaviors would have changed the outcome. It is possible, for example, that defensiveness is a symptom of other problems in a marriage, and that reducing defensiveness would have limited benefit unless the underlying causes of the discord were addressed.”
In other words: even if certain behaviors are associated with greater risk of divorce, it doesn’t mean stopping them will prevent it — especially when external factors (like ADHD) are the real driver.
It’s the ice cream analogy: In summer, both ice cream sales and homicide rates go up. That doesn’t mean eating ice cream makes people commit murder. A third factor — hot weather — drives both.
In ADHD relationships, the “third factor” is often the ADHD itself: symptoms, partner misinterpretations and responses, and ingrained dysfunctional coping patterns.
My First Encounter With Gottman’s Horsemen
Early in my marriage, I read about the Four Horsemen and thought: “We’re doomed.” All four were galloping through our relationship, leaving deep hoofprints of hurt and pessimism.
In the early 2000s, we were just starting to hear about Adult ADHD. Given what I was piecing together—and seeing in my own relationship—I looked for Gottman’s take on adult ADHD. I found:
- A “Love Lab” video where a husband’s ADHD-like behavior was publicly shamed — reminiscent of Dr. Phil episodes where ADHD symptoms are treated as moral failings.
- An interview where Gottman dismissed ADHD as “over-diagnosed” and irrelevant to relationships.
(Unfortunately, neither is still online.)
The more I reflected, the clearer it became: Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” weren’t the causes of our troubles. They were the consequences of unrecognized or poorly managed ADHD. His model wasn’t built for, or adapted to, ADHD contexts. ADHD didn’t even come into the equation.
Since that time, working with countless ADHD-affected individuals and couples, I’ve watched these wild horses trample through relationships with devastating force. It made me wonder — and worry — about what was happening “out there” in therapy offices and living rooms, where well-meaning professionals might be treating the hoofprints instead of the herd. It can be very tricky to break through the public’s “denial” that few therapists are trained in anything related to Adult ADHD.
Viewing Gottman’s Horsemen Through ADHD Lens
Many therapists who use Gottman’s Four Horsemen model are doing their best with the tools they’ve been given.
The challenge is that Gottman’s marketing has blurred the line between what his research actually demonstrated and what the brand implies. That’s not always obvious without digging into the original studies — something most clinicians simply don’t have the time or reason to do unless they work with complex conditions such as ADHD.
My chief concern is that when the model is applied uncritically to ADHD-affected couples, it can misdiagnose the core problem and lead to ineffective or even harmful interventions.
How ADHD Can Create Each “Horseman”
ADHD varies widely. Some partners can manage Gottman’s antidotes under stress, even without treatment. Many can’t — especially when ADHD isn’t recognized or well-managed.
1. Stonewalling (withdrawing from interaction)
ADHD reality: Avoidance as a coping strategy.
- Past “talk it out” attempts led to blame or overwhelm.
- Memory gaps make recalling details difficult.
- Follow-through is inconsistent, so avoiding the conversation feels safer.
- Lack of training in creating environmental supports for Executive Functions means couples continue to struggle
2. Defensiveness (shifting blame)
ADHD reality: Feeling wrongly accused when symptoms — not intent — cause problems.
- “I didn’t mean to…” is common because the harm wasn’t intentional.
- Without ADHD awareness, misunderstandings feel like constant unfair criticism — and to the other partner, like neglect or gaslighting.
3. Criticism (attacking character instead of behavior)
ADHD reality: Often the other partner’s last-ditch attempt to be heard.
- “You’re always late” or “You never listen” come from years of frustration at behavior that feels dismissive, even when it isn’t.
- Criticism is often the consistent drumbeat across the ADHD Partner’s life.
4. Contempt (mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling)
ADHD reality: Resentment built from unresolved patterns and the belief the other doesn’t care.
- Lack of awareness, or “denial” in either partner, about ADHD patterns fuel chronic exasperation
Why Gottman’s “Antidotes” Can Backfire in ADHD Relationships
Boilerplate therapy websites often tell ADHD couples: Identify the issue, learn the antidotes, and you can fix the problem.
Example: For defensiveness, Gottman suggests finding something in your partner’s words to take responsibility for — even partially.
Sounds good. But applied to ADHD couples, this can:
- Put the burden on the other ADHD partner to be “more flexible” instead of addressing the ADHD-related behavior.
- Shift blame rather than resolve problems.
- Invalidate legitimate frustrations about chronic issues.
As renown ADHD expert Russell Barkley, PhD, says:
“ADHD isn’t about not knowing what to do. It’s about doing what you know.”
The First ADHD-Related Study on the Four Horsemen
Will Canu, PhDIt took nine years for published research to corroborate my perceptions and ADHD Partner Survey findings from 2004-6.
In 2013, psychologist Will Canu, PhD, and his team at Appalachian State University published the first ADHD-specific research on this topic. (Young adult romantic couples’ conflict resolution and satisfaction varies with partner’s attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder type) Studying 63 couples, they found:
- All four horsemen occurred significantly more often in couples where one partner had Combined Presentation ADHD.
- These couples also showed fewer positive behaviors — a “double whammy” for relationship satisfaction.
- Patterns matched the “attack–defend” dynamic Gottman linked to divorce.
The paper concludes:
Without empirically supported couples therapies for ADHD, therapists are encouraged to evaluate disruptive behavior on the part of affected partners with ADHD in mind, use psychoeducation to encourage awareness and forgiveness, and to incorporate interventions that are effective for individuals with ADHD into their couples practice.
The takeaway? ADHD couples often do have the horsemen — but because ADHD fuels them, removing the behaviors without treating ADHD is unlikely to last.
The ADHD-Therapy Mismatch Problem
I’ve spent 20 years warning that standard couples therapy — of any school — often fails when ADHD is in play. In fact, it can backfire horribly. Without ADHD-specific adaptation, it can:
- Misdiagnose ADHD-related behaviors as personality flaws (even personality disorders).
- Assign blame to the wrong partner—or equal blame to both partners (the “two to tango” theory).
- Waste time, money, goodwill, and optimism on tools the couple can’t yet use effectively.
This isn’t just my opinion. The ADHD-Focused Couples Therapy ™ model I co-developed with Arthur L. Robin, PhD, was built from both ADHD and couple therapy evidence — and endorsed by top experts in both fields. For example,
Douglas K. Snyder, Ph.D., Professor of Clinical Psychology, Texas A&M University, Co-editor of Treating Difficult Couples and the Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy (5th ed.) and co-author of Getting Past the Affair
Couple therapy has moved well beyond interventions for intimate relationship distress. Increasingly, evidence-based extensions of couple therapy have been developed for treating emotional, behavioral, or physical health problems in one or both partners. ADHD presents a critical destabilizing influence on couple relationships that has, heretofore, been largely understudied and undertreated. This book offers a treasure trove of evidence-based interventions for helping partners to cope with this personal and relational challenge.
The Risk of “Doing It Backwards”
Let’s put it another way: Trying to eliminate the horsemen before addressing ADHD is like repainting a house with a leaky roof. You’ll be re-doing it again and again, never getting the result you’re aiming for.
On the other hand, when ADHD is finally recognized and managed:
- The horsemen often diminish naturally.
- The couple has the bandwidth to learn and sustain healthier communication.
- The antidotes actually have a chance to work.
First-Person Stories: Gottman-Style Advice Failed ADHD Couples
Over the years in my ADHD Partner community, we’ve seen first-person stories about how Gottman-style therapy missed the mark. Here is a sampling:
Shelly:
The whole theory behind Gottman’s Four Horsemen and his other tools left my husband bewildered and feeling belittled. As if his sense of failure wasn’t enough already, each session just cemented that belief. This was before he was finally diagnosed with ADHD.
The therapist eventually began working with us separately. In one session, she told me I’d be better off on my own. Unbeknownst to me, she told my husband the exact same thing.
He left shortly after, and we separated for some time. While things hadn’t been smooth before, the Gottman-based exercises—and six months of my husband feeling even more defeated—was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Katherine:
We went to a Gottman-trained therapist for four years. Things just got worse, and I couldn’t understand why. I grew more anxious.
In our last session, I had what I think was a panic attack. She hooked me up to a heart-rate monitor that beeped whenever my pulse went above 80. It beeped constantly. Nothing I said seemed to be heard. After years of this, I finally broke down sobbing.
Her response? “Breathe. Calm down.” Then she ushered us out the door. No follow-up, no check-in. That was a $5,000 lesson. Honestly, a vacation might have done us more good.
I don’t blame the Gottman methods, but I don’t think they can be applied without serious adaptation when ADHD is in the mix.
Krista:
Gottman and his methods were constantly cited by the MFT my ADHD partner and I saw for almost two years during the pandemic. It was a complete waste of time and money—and actually put us further back than before.
A Note on ADHD, Search Info, and Misinformation
Part of the reason “Gottman + ADHD” advice is everywhere: keyword marketing. Content creators know Gottman’s name draws clicks, so they bolt it onto ADHD content — often without true expertise in either.
Final Takeaway: ADHD Red Flags, Not Harbingers of Doom
Gottman’s Four Horsemen are not a magic diagnostic or cure. In ADHD-affected relationships, they’re better seen as red flags: “Look deeper — ADHD may be at play.”
Without ADHD-specific strategies, trying to “use the antidotes” can be unrealistic, invalidating, and even damaging.
If you’re in an ADHD relationship, make sure your professionals:
- Have deep, documented ADHD expertise.
- Adapt any communication framework — including Gottman’s — to ADHD realities.
Because the goal isn’t just to “talk nicer.” It’s to solve the real problems together — and stop treating the hoofprints while the herd still runs wild.
I welcome your comments!
—Gina Pera
28 thoughts on “Rethinking Gottman’s Four Horsemen for ADHD Relationships”
I don’t know if my husband is ADHD but I wonder because he might have some of the symptoms. Certain aspects of our relationship where we have failed makes me think that it may be in part of his undiagnosed ADHD. The Four Horsemen anecdotes are dangerous and not end all be all. Some people might feel that the ADHD is relevant to relationships especially if one or both parties are hard-wired with ADHD. But your article touches a really good point about the consequences of unrecognized or poorly managed ADHD. Thanks for sharing on this topic.
This is wonderful, and explains a lot why therapy only lead to more confusion for us (dual adhd couple) a decade ago. You can see my email though I’ve deleted my Facebook but you might remember us. Thank you for all you do, your work has been a candle in the dark
Hello dear Julie,
Thanks for letting me know! Hope you two are doing well.
Smart moved to exit Facebook. . I have a very circumscribed feed.
Best
Gina
This is fascinating. I never knew.
Around 15 years ago, when adult ADHD was not even a thing, I purchased your book, “Is it you, me or adult ADHD” on Amazon. It helped our marriage so much, and provided so much validation during an era when adult ADHD was not understood or studied as it is today.
The correlation between Gottman’s Four Horsemen and ADHD makes a lot of sense, and now I’m going to have to go back and revisit everything again.
I suppose the “Now What” part is the next frontier on this topic.
This sounds wonky, but the best cure seems to be exercise, for now, until someone finds a CBT route for reducing FH-type behavior for ADHDers.
Hi Teresa,
I’m so glad you found my book helpful. And that you found it way back before “adult ADHD was cool.”
You asked now what? We don’t really have to ask that question anymore. There are plenty of evidence based strategies for adult ADHD, individual individuals and couples.
It’s a multiprong approach, focusing on the physical, the psychological, and the practical.
Exercise is great. But many people with ADHD have trouble organizing themselves to get exercise or motivating themselves.
Then there are those who “self medicate” with exercise to the point of getting a little nails done and sometimes breaking down their bodies.
Mostly, exercise can help folks with ADHD deal with the anxiety that is a side effect of ADHD. But it typically doesn’t last for long and it doesn’t really “treat” ADHD.
Encourage you to check out my online training, where I cover all three “Ps”— practical, psychological, and physical.
https://ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/view/courses/solvingyouradultadhdpuzzle
Take care
Gina
Gina,
Been a while. And I gotta say, I really have to laugh over the redoing it bit. Since unfortunately, I feel I do that often. Redoing things, thinking I’ve got it but have to do it all over again because I forgot something. I will say in some ways, it gets easier. But……..and this is something I haven’t previously talked about but it’s been at the forefront of my thoughts as of late. What do you do with family that…..for lack of a better phrase…..just doesn’t seem to care? Like at all? They’re caught up in what makes them happy without a care in the world who is impacted by their choices? That was my childhood….and sadly is becoming the childhood for my nephew and nieces. My mother was like this. The subtle cheating, the distance, popping up only when it suits her. And my sister has become similar. She’s desperate for my mother’s approval and is turning out just like her. The two care more about what makes them happy above everyone else. With no idea or care about those they hurt in the process. Even if they are hurting themselves too, as my sister is prone to fall for a toxic partner. It is how my nephew came to be, and his dad left. He never met him. Then my nieces were born by a narcisist. Now my sister is dating another narcisist. One that I unfortunately know personally and knew long before he and my sister ever dated.
Hi Kevin,
That must be so difficult to witness. Like watching a slow-moving trainwreck.
Unfortunately, neurobiology and genetics being what they are, people with empathy deficits are more likely to produce offspring with empathy deficits.
If they are lucky, they learn about brain-based conditions that are associated with empathy impairments but, if treated, the “narcissist” label no longer applies.
For the most part, therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists have yet to learn this information. That means so many people continue to suffer needlessly.
A mother learns this lesson first-hand in this popular post: https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-lacking-empathy-was-i-raising-a-narcissist/
thanks for your comment.
Gina
Oh my gosh, thank you for this analysis! I still run into people who dismiss it as moral shortcomings and similar.
But “unrecognized or poorly managed ADHD” is the golden key item at stake here. That leads to the precise question I’ve been struggling with: where is the line, or threshold, of responsibility? At what point can we reasonably expect someone with a brain disorder to understand and take responsibility for their actions?
You mention very well in the beginning of your book how the non-ADD spouse is completely exhausted from being warden, maid, extra parent and things like this. Well, my ADD wife (and I know you point out how women with ADD need a little extra TLC), recently had the gall to say this to me:
“I’m taking partial blame for what’s going on with the boys [typical misbehavior and testing the parental boundaries]. I know that I am not always organized and I don’t always allow myself enough time in the mornings. I will get help. At the same time, I am only one person. I cannot do it all. And I know you’re going to say you don’t have to. But I need all of you to step up and do your part. Without me having to remind y’all. It’s severely mentally draining to me to have to parent everyone.”
I nearly blew up. What do I say to that? I’ve been at the end of my rope for nearly a decade now; damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Hi Loren,
I appreciate your question — and dilemma.
First, I should clarify….I wouldn’t advise more “TLC” for women with ADHD. Instead, I would advise understanding that “homemaking” can be extremely challenging for anyone with poorly managed ADHD. It’s much harder than many outside jobs. That’s because it’s different every day, for the most part. Things come up, and priorities get shifted on a dime. If there are no external supports, it’s easy to get lost, overwhelmed, and lose motivation.
Second, your wife says she will “get help.” But what does that help look like and where will she find it? It is NOT easy to get proper help. In fact, it’s mostly impossible. ADHD is too complex and variable for most therapy (even those claiming ADHD expertise) and even coaching.
I don’t doubt her sincerity that she feels she is “doing it all.” From her perspective, it probably feels that way. But I also imagine she is trying to solve problems without evidence-based methods. And you might be expecting her to solve system-wide issues all on her own. Not realistic.
Remember: Your wife is not an island unto herself. She is operating within a larger system — one that includes you and the children.
That means that EVERYONE needs to get on board with ADHD-friendly organizational strategies. In a systematic, highly supportive way. Children typically require a lot of repetition. It’s just the way their little immature brains operate. :-). But that can be exhausting for a parent with poorly managed ADHD.
A huge component of our Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy ™ is supporting Executive Functions. ADHD therapy is hugely instructional and practical. Less talking about problems. More solving problems. In proven ways.
This has been a difficult concept to teach in blog posts or even in books. Yet it is CRITICAL. That’s why I created this training, to get couples working together — as equals. There is nothing else like it, and that’s nuts. Because THIS is what moves the needle. Check out the details, including the free lessons, here:
https://ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/course-3-practical-supports
Of course, optimizing physical strategies (e.g. sleep, medication, etc.) will help to make this happen. That’s why this is the second piece of the Adult ADHD Puzzle — and Practical Supports is the third. But you can at least get an idea of what to aim for.
I hope this helps.
Gina
This is why I’m not a parent myself. And I don’t mean this to hurt. Because I love kids. But my nephew plus my nieces, I’ve taken care of the three of them to help my sis out….and in spite of everything we’ve done for her she’s talking crap about my parents and keeping me out of her life, or her boyfriend is, I dunno. But anyways, those three have taught me the challenge that is parenting. Or at the very least, enough. For now. Someday I would love to have a girlfriend and eventually a wife and have kids myself. But not now. But seriously. I hear you. I feel you. Damned if you do or don’t, yes I feel that. Cause it’s me too. Unfortunately all we can do is try. And keep going. I don’t know how much it will help to say that, but you are not alone. Keep that in mind.
Does it matter if your partner meant or didn’t mean to abuse you? If you are a person who is doing the abuse and you want to stop it, go figure out why you’re doing it. It’s on you. How much more can one partner accommodate the abuser and be guilted and/or shamed into understanding why they did it? You are hurting whether they meant or did not mean it. Does it really matter if you lied because you’re a narcissist or because you have adhd? Regardless of any underlying mental health conditions, individuals are still responsible for their actions and the consequences that arise from them. Having a neurodivergent brain is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. The message that needs to be reinforced is this: teach people to recognize abusive behaviors and remove themselves from people who repeatedly harm and don’t take responsibility for it. Why does it matter whether someone is abusing because of their trauma or because of their genetics? It should only matter to people who abuse and want to do better.
Hi Mimi,
Yes, I and many other people believe that the cause of the “abuse” does matter.
Much of what happens on a daily basis with poorly managed/unrecognized ADHD — forgetting, mishearing, not following through on promises — would quickly be labeled by some as abusive behaviors.
And sure, if someone hits you with their car, does it matter to your broken if it was an accident or intentional?
I’m afraid that you are putting for a very common idea being batted around in the online forums. No one says that “having a neurodivergent brain” (a phrase you’ll never see me use) is a get out of jail free card.
The problem is that they people pushing these ideas don’t know how to create change. They also do not understand the nature of ADHD-related challenges. Including “denial” or limited self-awareness.
ADHD is a complex condition. It’s your call, whether to learn about it or to skim off the Internet some very simplistic ideas. There’s no law that says you “must understand.”
But if you are dealing with ADHD in yourself or someone you love, it’s important ot know what you are up against. What you are both up against. On that path lies the possibility of change, including kind and caring behaviors.
Many “abusers” want to do better. But they don’t know how. And if if they “seek help,” the odds are the alleged professionals won’t recognize the cause of their distress.
Thanks,
Gina
You say “abuse, “labeled by some as abusive behaviors,” I say contempt, condescension , mockery, cruelty, pathological lying, sense of entitlement, manipulation, gaslighting, arrogance, explosive angry outbursts leading to humiliation in public and behind closed doors, getting your way no matter the cost (Macbeth style) to name a few abusive behaviors, labeled by me, that cause significant harm to a single person and a society at large. Many “abusers” want to do better and even more of them don’t.
Mimi,
I am not going to attempt a complex conversation on a complex subject in the comments to an unrelated blog post.
Please feel free to read more of my work for a more comprehensive perspective.
Just for the record. NO ONE CAN CLAIM THAT I AM JUSTIFYING “ABUSE.” I was the first to acknowledge the depths of pain and suffering that poorly managed ADHD can create for loved ones—and to continue researching and writing on this topic for decades.
You can either choose to read my work or you again can try misrepresenting it on my own blog, which some would consider abusive. 🙂
Good day
Gina
Yes, I think it actually does matter whether the underlying reasons have to do with ADHD or psychopathology rooted in pathological narcissism or psychopathy/sociopathy. Nobody is talking about a “get out of jail” free card. When I work with couples in which ADHD is in the mix, I tell both partners that you both have different responsibilities and capabilities to make things better…and that moving forward is going to mean everyone really coming to terms with how ADHD impacts your lives. Having ADHD can offer clues as to what might or might not work in improving things in the family. When someone has sociopathy or pathological narcissism (at the personality level), it’s usually much more about “removing oneself from people who repeatedly harm and don’t take responsibility for it,” as you say. Having ADHD is not in my experience a situation where escape is the only possibility for improvement, and that is a difference that makes all the difference.
Thanks, Michael.
Trouble is, many therapists cannot discern the difference, and neither can the partners of these adults.
It can take an enormous amount of intelligence and empathy, I’ve found — not to mention a great deal of education — to know which might be which.
The vast majority of therapists are simply not equipped. And the public online forums tend to promote one extreme or another. Lots of black/white thinking.
g
I am always impressed, Gina, by how perfectly you describe my relationship with my recently diagnosed, 60 year old ADHD brother. We did online relationship counselling about a year ago, which failed after four weekly sessions.
The counsellor, who knew neither of us, clearly lacked ADHD experience, which you point out is common. My brother demanded perfect reciprocity, insisting that I had to change, although he has deliberately never treated his condition. You coined a great phrase for this in your book: “Let’s call it even. You annoy me too!” He had said this all his life and tried it again in our sessions.
As you mentioned above, he professed to recall none of the many instances, unpacked by the therapist, when he had been wildly inconsiderate, which felt like gaslighting to me, because it was thereby so convenient for him to avoid responsibility. So nothing changed.
Hence our current standoff. For the sake of my own mental health, I do not want a relationship with him unless he gets treatment. He wants me to adopt his religious beliefs to assuage my “anger”, while also not treating his ADHD. Admitting that his condition is the main cause of his social isolation is too painful for him. So we have been estranged for a year.
I have urged him to read your book but I know he won’t, because he wants to tell himself that his loneliness is everyone else’s fault. We (me, our parents, his ex wife, his employees who mutinied against him, his boss who reprimanded him, his book club that fired him) are all just too critical of him.
As others have observed, having ADHD is absolutely not his fault, but failing to treat it, now that he has a diagnosis, is his responsibility.
Thanks for all the great work that you do.
Hi Fred,
I’m so sorry your best efforts ended in that kind of disappointment. Yes, I could have predicted it. Sadly.
I can’t tell you how many emails I receive that open with, “Gina, I didn’t want to believe it but you were right.” 🙂
You can tell him my course and Zoom sessions are always available.
But it can be a futile effort, trying to bring some folks out of “denial”. It’s a serious incapacity. A real brain-based issue. Not a mindset. And it can’t be addressed with the usual therapeutic approaches.
Many people with ADHD desperately “seek help” only to suffer all kinds of awful atrocities at the hands of psychiatrists and others who don’t recognize their ADHD — or know how to treat it. Some of the stories I hear, on a daily basis, would curl anyone’s hair. Unbelievable stuff.
take care
Gina
Thanks for your comment!
Gina
As always therapists who have experience with ADHD related marital misery are few and far between. Even if you find one they’re often not taking new clients or don’t know as much as they claim.
We recently stopped seeing a guy who had good answers to ADHD related questions when I interviewed him but refused to talk about ADHD in session, saying that our marital woes were primarily due to communication and attachment style, not her ADHD coping mechanisms and my poor/ineffective responses. Frustrating.
Hi Miles,
May I say ARGH! 🙂
That just happened to a friend. She expressed concerns to the new family therapist that they specifically needed ADHD knowledge. The therapist reassured her.
But when push came to shove — that is, actual therapy — she was all old-school and no ADHD.
They can really minimize the contributors.
thanks for your comment,
Gina
So well said. Gina, nobody gets it like you.
When we tried therapy, the therapist was literally nitpicking at how I expressed myself. I think he was trying to balance the critic. Another therapist gave me a whole speech of how I was the problem. The 3rd one was nicer, but couldn’t get my husband to go for an evaluation, even though I offered to get one, too, so we could each work on our own issues.
If it wasn’t for our kids I would have left.
Through your articles and communication course (my husband had promised to do it with me, then refused) I learned how to step off the rollercoaster. Now, at least, life is manageable. And over time, with reduced tension as a result of clarity, he has taken on a lot more responsibilities.
Thank you Gina!
Thank you for trusting me, Goldie. I’m so glad you’ve seen progress.
And I’m so sorry you went through the damaging-therapy gauntlet, too.
My ADHD Partner Survey years ago showed that many of us look to therapists for help in getting through our ADHD Partners’ “denial”. But very few get it.
I think it takes a very deep knowledge of ADHD — and meeting literally thousands of people with ADHD — that helps me to reach through the denial. I’m pretty matter of fact about how I explain ADHD and help the person relate to it in a non-threatening way. And, I don’t treat them like the “identified patient.” There’s more to it, but that’s the beginning.
thanks for your support
Gina
It’s such a tough topic! There’s a lot of black and white thinking out there — a major reason I largely avoid social media these days. It’s like there’s a correct way to think and speak about everything, and to boot X behavior always indicates Y character, so if you try to introduce nuance you are on the wrong side of everything. It’s exhausting. People are complicated. Relationships are complicated.
Some of this agitation may make it into the second edition of my book, but most I think will be directed toward a collection of darkly humorous essays I finally want to get out the door. So that’s how I’m doing!
Glad this post finally saw daylight. I appreciated seeing it and I know it will be a balm for others as well. Sometimes you have to stir the pot but you’re right, it requires a certain headspace
I can’t wait to read it!
I have always appreciated, and often benefited from, your keen intelligence and levelheadedness.
G
I’m not sure why this is hard for therapists to understand. It’s not that Gottman’s work isn’t useful. It’s not really even a major problem (in my view) that therapists confuse correlation for causation. But it is a matter of understanding that in a couple dynamic with one or both partners who have ADHD, it is crucial to address the truth in the statement, “I didn’t mean to….” In my experience over 30 years, I find that partners with ADHD deeply and desperately want their partners to be happy and want to be a person who is pleasing to the other. The partner with ADHD can feel filled with shame and avoidance having often felt blameworthy and “out of step” their entire lives. Defensiveness and stonewalling are often misguided attempts to reduce shame and avoid being a disappointment, yet again. Contempt and criticism are often misguided attempts to avoid feeling powerlessness, and to shift the power balance away from that. Couples therapists would do well to try to help the couple understand that the Four Horsemen are often there for a reason, and when those reasons are acknowledged and understood, there is hope for building new response patters. Simply telling the ADHD (or any partner, for that matter) to just practice “turning towards” more isn’t enough for most couples to really shift, let alone the couple dealing with ADHD. By all means, let’s look for ADHD red flags, so that we don’t end up blaming clients. But let’s also look for depression and anxiety red flags (which are often co-occuring with ADHD in any case). Let’s look for buried or otherwise unacknowledged trauma, too. You get the idea….
Dear Michael,
Nice to hear from you! Thanks for the beautifully said perspective of a professional.
You’re right. It shouldn’t be that hard for therapists to understand. But until they truly understand ADHD—and I don’t mean the pop psychology junk online— it’s bound to happen again and again. I literally hear the stories every day. Thanks so much
Gina
I’ve been thinking about this kind of thing a lot lately. How ADHD red flags shouldn’t be seen as excusable behavior in relationships, but neither should an ADHD partner be graded on the same curve as someone with strong executive functioning. The emotional impact of a partner blowing up at you or running late for a special date or failing to carry their share of the domestic load may be the same, but the *meaning* is different. And if you’re trying to repair a relationship, that meaning matters a lot. Trying to eliminate the four horseman feels to me a little like trying harder to rein in your emotions or stop interrupting so much in group conversations. Yes, obviously those things need to happen, but without considering why they’re happening in the first place it feels like a road to complete demoralization.
Thank you, Jaclyn! That’s it exactly. “A road to demoralization“. Sometimes for both partners.
You would not believe how long I’ve had this post in the hopper. I’m pretty bold in my statements and mission but this, I felt like I needed to be ready for the blowback. And now I am.
Hope you’re well
G