Is there a connection between ADHD and this phenomenon called gaslighting? Potentially. But, as with most ADHD-related topics, it’s complicated. In this post, I examine the topic from a few angles.
I’m seeing more talk of gaslighting in an ADHD context. In website articles. In social-media posts and groups. Unfortunately, some of it is not accurate, even rather skewed.
Why is this inaccuracy a problem? It risks compounding the pain of being on the receiving end of this behavior — by believing it is always intentional. That is, intentionally, verbally abusive behavior.
Here’s the thing: Living with unrecognized or poorly managed ADHD — in oneself or a loved one — can be confusing and hurtful enough. Finding clarity requires honest education and self-awareness. With compassion for all parties. That’s why I developed my online course: Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle.
With more accurate interpretations of negative behaviors — and strategies to stop those behaviors — each partner in the couple can become “gaslight-proof.”
Does this mean rationalizing abusive behavior with “My ADHD partner can’t help it”? Absolutely not. It means making efforts to navigate gray area.
In This Post on ADHD and Gaslighting:
ADHD Roller Coaster blog readers saw the first version of this post in 2010. Back then, a Google search for gaslighting would have returned very few online mentions.
Now the term is everywhere. It’s used to increase traffic to sites poorly qualified to educate on this complex issue. To help clarify the confusion — especially vis a vis ADHD — I’ve expanded and updated the post today, 12 years later. I hope you find it helpful.
It flows this way:
- Defining gaslighting
- A snip of the film that inspired the term, Gaslight, with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer
- Controversy flares at the farmers market — and the gaslight targets me
- Is there a connection between ADHD and gaslighting?
- The role of “denial” about ADHD symptoms in alleged gaslighting
- Does this mean we should excuse the perpetrators of gaslighting?
- Back to the Farmer’s Market — things are heating up!
- A precursor event: What’s with the angry meditators trashing ADHD?
- A validating ending at the farmers market, where I could finally returning to my mission: buying produce
- What I mean by becoming “gaslight-proof”
The phrase to gaslight harkens to the 1944 film Gaslight. Charles Boyer’s character manipulates Ingrid Bergman’s character (Paula) to believe that she is “losing it”. Seeing things that aren’t there. Not seeing things that are there. That sort of thing. Why? He seeks control. Of everything. Especially his wealthy new wife’s money.
In one scene, Paula sees the flickering light on the wall (pre-electricity, this was a gas light in her home). When she asked him, he doubts her. Hints that she’s imagining things. In truth, he was in the attic — and using the lights. Hence the flickering drain on the lower-level lights.
In short, gaslighters seek to make their victims question their perceptions, their knowledge, and their beliefs. Commonly, say mental-health professionals, they do this to feed their egocentric needs. For example: financial gain, a psychological need to control others or to force them to conform to their distorted beliefs and perceptions, etc..
Technically speaking, a gaslighter acts consciously predatory and willfully manipulative. With some nefarious goal in mind.
2. A Snip of the Film Gaslight
3. Gaslighting at the … Farmer’s Market?
Gaslighting takes many shapes or forms—and flares up in surprising places. For me, one sunny Saturday, it was our farmer’s market. Who’d have predicted that a stranger would soon be screaming at me, his neck veins bulging?
Instead of chatting with vendors about English peas or when we might get rain, I was pulled into a public “debate” about ADHD. Public gaslighting, if you will. Hence the original inspiration for this post.
Sure, I’d grown accustomed to ranting ADHD-deniers on the Internet. But the farmer’s market? I was heartened to learn that my verbal “gaslight-proof” skills stood up there, too.
When it comes to the denial of ADHD, too, you also never know where, when, or with whom it’s going to pop out. When it does pop out, though, expect for some degree of anger fueling it.
One often gets the sense that the mere mention of the word ADHD strikes a little too close to home. Call it the “methinks thou doth protest too much” phenomenon. In other words, the gripe about ADHD is that someone suggested they might have it — and it came as a mortal blow to their ego.
Many people with ADHD are eager to blame “ADHD denialism” on so-called neurotypicals. They say that other people with ADHD would understand. Not so fast. In my long observation, the most ferocious “ADHD deniers” aren’t neurotypicals. They are people with ADHD. Perhaps with oppositional defiance in the mix.
If such a person can succeed in discrediting you—browbeats you into questioning yourself—they’ve denied the possibility of ADHD for themselves. At least in their mind. They fight it as if their very existence depends on it. And maybe it does.
4. Does Gaslighting Apply to ADHD?
Again, I first posted this article on gaslighting in 2010. The term was largely unknown. Now you’ll find gaslighting abundantly online. The trouble is, it is often mis-used. Especially in the context of ADHD.
In Facebook groups, I see women complain of being “gaslighted” by their husbands who have ADHD. Given the details, though, it often seems they are more likely facing their partner’s poorly managed ADHD — poor memory, defensiveness, and so forth. But who can really say. It can be a murky mix. More about that in a minute.
Another example: A psychologist who publicly discloses her own ADHD diagnosis warns about the people who routinely gaslight their ADHD loved ones. The goal, she claims, is taking advantage of their poor memory to some warped end.
Surely that happens. Human predators walk among us. They take advantage of the vulnerable, especially those who have issues with recall and memory. Easy targets.
In fact, a well-known male psychiatrist with self-disclosed ADHD was known over the years for sexually assaulting women with ADHD at conferences. Impulsive? Intentional? Entitled? Predatory? A bit of all? I think it’s safe to say that even some people with ADHD can be intentionally gaslighting — and perhaps intentionally target other people with ADHD.
After all, who would believe these “confused” women with ADHD? Especially over a well-known psychiatrist with an avuncular style? Moreover, these women often have learned not to trust their perceptions and memories. They don’t expect to be believed. They apologize.
ADHD education and treatment often helps them to become more clear about how something happened, what someone said. They become less vulnerable to other people’s forceful opinion. Yet, this, too, can be a double-edged sword. They might be able to better deflect the gaslighter’s glare but they might also reject anyone attempting to shed light on problematic behaviors.
5. What About “Denial” of ADHD Symptoms?
Back to the psychologist writing about gaslighting and ADHD. She makes valid points about the potential vulnerability of people with ADHD to gaslighting. Yet, she entirely neglects the possibility of “denial” in the ADHD partner.
That is, the ADHD partner doesn’t believe the partner’s claims. Even when they absolutely are doing those things. So they accuse their partner of manipulating them. Gaslighting. Therapists might support such distortions. They can’t conceive of alternate scenarios.
For example, the ADHD partner forgets how many speeding tickets she’s gotten. She accuses her partner of exaggerating, of gaslighting, in order to gain control, to weaken her self-esteem.
Another example: The ADHD partner ignores/forgets many polite requests until the other partner finally blows up. Then, the ADHD partner says, “Why didn’t you tell me before? You have an anger-management problem!” Is that gaslighting? Or, is that poor self-observation? Both? Anything’s possible when unrecognized ADHD is a factor. Moreover, we humans are complicated!
It’s worth remembering: Sometimes these relationships are dual-ADHD. We can’t blame the neurotypical when it comes to “remembering things differently” or “that tone in your voice.”
These phrases ring familiar to many partners of adults with (“in denial” or poorly managed) ADHD:
- You’re exaggerating or imagining things
- I never said that
- Can’t you take a joke?
- You’re too sensitive
- Stop trying to control me (by asking for basic cooperation with domestic responsibilities)
- It’s your fault; you should have told me (but you did)
- You need help
And yes, these are phrases commonly attributed to so-called gaslighters. Can you see how we tread some difficult gray area here? Much in popular psychology simply fails to account for neurocognitive challenges. It’s that behind the times.
6. So, Do We Excuse “Gaslighting” Behavior?
These are simple examples of a not-so-simple phenomenon. But I hope you get my point.
That point is: Sometimes behavior looks like —and feels like— gaslighting. But it actually is not fully intentional. That is, it springs from something else. This might include frontal-lobe issues affecting memory, self-awareness, reflection, empathy, and the like. It’s not intentional manipulation. It’s neurobiological manifestations and defensiveness.
People who do not realize the extent o their challenges might get angry at accusations that feel unfair to them — and respond in anger or spite. “Why don’t you ever help clean the kitchen?” “I clean it all the time; you just don’t notice.”
What do we do with this information? Do we excuse this behavior — “He has ADHD, he can’t help it”? In my experience, no, that’s not a wise coping response. Over time, it bodes poorly for each partner and the relationship.
If you are the recipient of this quasi-gaslighting behavior, does knowing it’s not “on purpose” make it any less hurtful? Maybe. Viewing problematic ADHD behaviors as intentional gaslighting can dig a deep and painful hole for both partners. As I see it, the point is this: When we see things more clearly, we can stop blame-shifting and start problem-solving.
The Internet and social media thrive on simple tropes. Complex subjects such as these deserve respectful approaches. The consequences of bad information wields real-life effects, sometimes lingering.
7. Back to the Farmer’s Market
That Saturday morning, I wore a strikingly good-looking t-shirt created for a Stride for ADHD Pride —a fund-raising event. My friend Natalie Knochenhauer, founder of the [now former] Philadelphia non-profit ADHD Aware, sent it to me as thanks for serving on the board.
Red Flags: Haughtiness, Piercing Cold Eyes
The man literally stopping me in my tracks wasn’t a fellow shopper. He was soliciting signatures for a political petition.
He appeared middle-aged, soft-spoken, and sincere. At first. That’s why I thought took his initial interest in ADHD — sparked by spotting my t-shirt — as genuine. So, I congenially fielded the usual misinformed opinions.
Looking back, though, I remember red flags waving, via a certain coldly piercing look in his eyes.
The Conversation Went Like This:
Him: Well, you might not be aware of this, but ADHD is an American phenomenon. It’s caused by the culture.
Me: Yes, I can see why you’d have that perception. Surprisingly, though, ADHD’s prevalence is consistent worldwide, according to epidemiological studies.
It’s true that the U.S. might offer more cultural distractions (technological gadgetry, etc.). But it’s often the people with ADHD who have the most trouble resisting the distractions. So you can see how that’s sort of a chicken-and-egg issue.
I’d agree with you, though, that all humans are vulnerable to these distractions. That’s why ADHD is considered a spectrum condition, sort of the extreme end of the human condition. Keeping our focus despite all the distractions is a challenge for everyone, but especially for people with ADHD.
“Meditation Is the Only Solution”
Him, using icily threatening tone: I hope you don’t push medications on people. I practice meditation, and meditation is the only solution.
Me: I don’t push anything on people. I try to share informed information about the choices.
Meditation might be very helpful for some people with ADHD, especially with their anxiety. But others don’t find that its benefits carry over substantially into the tasks of their workaday lives. Many can’t even focus well enough or sit still long enough to meditate. Sometimes medication helps them, though, to pursue a meditation practice.
“Medication is Poison!”
Him: “Medication is poison! You want to poison people. We know that medications don’t solve the problem—they just cover it up— and they create horrible, life-threatening side effects.”
Me, not allowing his personal attack to distract or “gaslight”: No, actually, we don’t know that. We know quite the opposite, that untreated ADHD carries with it higher risks of accidents, including brain injury, suicide, and other life stressors.
But you’re right that medications aren’t for everyone. And you’re right that ADHD medications do suffer a bad reputation. They are too often poorly prescribed and the rest of the physical body ignored (sleep, metabolic issues, nutrition, etc.).
Some reckless physicians create more justified fears about the medications. That’s why I try to share information that helps people to avoid bad side effects and poor outcomes.
Him, showing little capacity for complex thoughts or nuance: No, all medication is bad.
These people with so-called ADHD must stop making excuses and start meditating.
8. A precursor event: Angry meditators trashing ADHD
Side story.
A few months earlier, I had met Sarina Grosswald. She represented the David Lynch Foundation at a CHADD ADHD Conference exhibit hall. The foundation promotes Transcendental Meditation in schools.
Standing at their booth, I read through their prominently displayed album of badly reported stories about ADHD.
Finally, I asked Grosswald: “I don’t doubt that most children would benefit from learning some type of meditation. But why not simply share meditation’s potential benefits without promoting scare stories about medications? Where is your empathy for these people?”
Her steely eyes shot daggers at me, much like the guy at the farmer’s market. She recited chapter and verse from their displayed propaganda.
David Lynch Foundation’s ADHD Disinformation
Point by point, I calmly countered her scare tactics and misinterpretation of the research. (Grossly misinterpreted.) In response, she grew increasingly angry.
Concerned that I’d been rude, I later asked the man at the next booth for his opinion. “Well,” he said diplomatically, “you were very clear.”
For a sample of Grosswald’s misinformed scaremongering on ADHD medications, scan to 2:30 on this video: Update: Unfortunately, the David Lynch Foundation has removed the video. But here is another one:
9. Again to the Farmer’s Market
Finally, the ladies nearby, promoting a different petition, entered the discussion. They showed intellectual curiosity about ADHD. They asked me how I became interested in it. I explained and mentioned writing a book.
One responded: “I was a school psychologist for 35 years and I love your t-shirt. It’s wonderful that you are stating the facts about ADHD. Misinformation hurts everyone.”
Him, facial muscles tightening: “Facts! Those aren’t facts! That’s Big Pharma propaganda. Who do you think you are? Anybody can write a stupid book. In fact, I am writing my own book! “
Notice the continued attempt to discredit me, to continually put me in an extreme position that I do not actually hold.
I avoid the natural instinct to defend myself. That’s what he wants. Plus, this isn’t about me. It about standing up for vulnerable people — people whose challenges are well documented in the published literature. I’m not letting him distract me.
For him, it’s as thought his very life force requires manipulating me into capitulation. I suspect it is to encapsulate me in his own defiance and denial of, well, whatever might be going on with him.
Stepping Out from the Gaslight’s Glare
Me: Who do I think I am? Nobody special. I’m just a journalist who has worked hard to research and understand scientific facts as well as the reality of ADHD. Because this information can help people.
Me, making an appeal to his sense of empathy, just in case he really isn’t the pathological narcissist he seems to be: Hey, I understand that you probably feel you are being genuinely kind and compassionate. You probably believe you are truly saving children and adults with ADHD from what you perceive as a horrible medical alternative. You believe you are giving them a more enlightened one.
We all want treatments that offer the most benefit with the least harm. But could you consider for a moment that your black-and-white militancy might actually be creating more problems for these people—in the form of stigma, fear, and confusion?
Many of them have been told all their lives that their problems are of their own making. That if they’d just do fill-in-the-blank, their problems would be solved. But many people with late-diagnosis ADHD tried for years to help themselves by doing things such as meditating—to little avail.
In essence, you’re telling them that if they can’t meditate, they’re just not trying hard enough. You’re just adding to their pain, not alleviating it.
Not For His Lack of Trying
He continued.
Him, getting a scary-mean look in his eyes: “Words! Those are just words! How can my words hurt anyone? That is an illusion!
If these people with so-called ADHD meditated, they would know that words don’t matter. You should meditate, too, because you are caught up in the same illusions. Look at you. Your philosophy is causing you problems. Look at how you persist!”
Note this gaslighter’s increasing focus on making my “philosophy,” credibility, and illusions the problem. But I remain undistracted. Why? I am grounded in the facts. Those facts have been validated by both ADHD professional experts and those other experts: the people who have ADHD and their loved ones.
When we are more tenuous in our facts or have low confidence overall, we might find such characters intimidating. He was “tall, dark, and handsome”—and imperiously confident. He had all the makings of an effective psychological bully. A Gaslighter Extraordinaire. In fact, he reminded me of Jonestown’s Jim Jones — without the charm.
“She Can’t Stand to Hear the Truth!”
Please understand: He didn’t even pretend to be “reasonable” on the issue. He refused to consider the gray area I offered matter-of-factly.
People less informed, with less concern about the stakes, might have mistaken his resolve for conviction. They might have believed I was a pharma tool. After all, the loudest voices tend to rule. But I saw something far more disturbing.
Me, understanding there was nothing more to discuss: “Okay, well, it’s nice to meet you. But I need to finish my shopping.”
Him, loudly and angrily, the imperious manner growing more resolute: “See, she’s running away! She can’t stand to hear the truth. She’s hurt by words and can’t take the fact that she’s wrong.”
Me: “I’m not running away. I’m walking away to Contreras Farm’s stand before they run out of eggs. I came here to shop and enjoy myself, not to be provoked into an argument so you can self-medicate with anger and opposition. Have a nice day!”
Him, practically apoplectic, to the ladies at the next booth: “Did you hear that? I never got a word in edgewise. She talked the entire time!”
Ladies nearby, laughing: “No, she didn’t. You did.”
10. Becoming Gaslight-Proof
When you ground yourself in solid knowledge, you become less vulnerable to another person’s machinations. That was the inspiration for the original 2010 post.
You can also see that some attempts to “gaslight” aren’t a deliberate strategy to persecute you. Instead, you might be coming up against the other person’s neurobiological dysfunction. Yes, that includes ADHD and other frontal-lobe conditions. (You’ll find a link to a post on ADHD and denial at the end.)
Wait! Does this mean that the partners of adults with ADHD should excuse the hurtful behavior? Because “My ADHD partner can’t help it”? No. Absolutely not. For many people with ADHD, the full range of symptoms responds to medication treatment. Education about common ADHD patterns helps to fill in the gaps and create change.
Wait! Does this mean that adults with ADHD should submit to your partner’s allegedly more accurate recall? Because “My memories are unreliable”? Or, the other extreme: Being blind to your ADHD challenges in this department, you view your own memories as infallible. Therefore, you view attempts to fact-check your memories as “gaslighting”?
No. Absolutely not.
Instead, I am suggesting that everyone involved become gaslight-proof. That is, with clarifying education, we all can better:
- Control our reactions to perceived gaslighting
- Avoid “taking the bait” — getting drawn into no-win arguments
- Stop deepening our pain by jumping to “My partner confuses or invalidates me on purpose”
- Consider alternative explanations, such as lack of knowledge about ADHD impairments that affect memory, self-awareness, and recall
- Start finding a path out
Read More About Brain-Based Denial
Are you dealing with someone who is “in denial” of their ADHD? You might find this article interesting: Adult ADHD & Brain-Based Denial.
Yes, the partners and other loved ones of adults with ADHD can be “in denial”, too. I cover that in the three chapters on denial in my first book: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Have you ever experienced “gaslighting” behavior, about ADHD or anything else? How did you deal with it?
I’d love to hear your stories.
—Gina Pera
Originally posted April 2010; updated May 2022
Just read through this and now more interested in “gaslighting” happening to the ADHD partner from the perspective that the ADHD partner is “gaslighting” the other partner. How do you tease this vicious cycle apart? Both of us walking away with so much hurt, pain, and no understanding of what the heck just happened. Sometimes the most low level disagreements turn into hours of compound and complex issues that we can’t even remember what spark it. Sometimes the ADHD partner actually finds some resolve and puts the breaks on; walking away – go boundaries! but is now left with the guilt aftermath of being the problem. Is it “gaslighting”, lack of awareness on both parts, or inability to see your own stuff and the roll it plays? Hummm…
Hi there,
Thanks for your comment. I like your very accurate description of a typical scenario.
As I mentioned, this post originally focused only on my encounter with the “aggressive meditator” at the farmer’s market. I used the term “gaslighting” before it was cool, omnipresent online, and thanks to some skewed perspectives, before it was seen as something done TO people with ADHD — and never BY them.
In case I didn’t make it clear, I am questioning the very idea of it being “gaslighting” — that is, intentional deflection so as to manipulate another person to do what you want. Instead, it can often be the ADHD Roller Coaster Mach II.
Lack of awareness of symptoms — in oneself or a loved one — and some very dysfunctional coping responses.
g
I know this isn’t exactly about the article, but I wanted to get if off my chest. I probably still have inattentive ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was a kid and I think I’ve learned to cope with it better over time. There are sometimes where I believe I’m fully paying attention and I might be able to repeat back you said, but it’s possibly extremely fragile. The thing is that I simply am unable to recall the process of totally forgetting because I also forget what happened in the process of forgetting meaning that someone can tell me to do something, I can fully acknowledge it, and yet it’s as though it never happened if some mysterious process happens, possibly being distracted before I can form a long term-ish memory. I can only really speculate because I don’t remember those times at all, so true self reflection about those times is impossible. And this has happened to me many times. It used to feel disorienting when I ran up against other people’s different memory, but now not so much anymore. Still can feel really upsetting about how other people react to my memory being relatively poor in remembering to do things. Lots of time results in them trying to give cliched advice about writing things down, even though that requires me not to be distracted or not to be disrupted by some other process before being able to write it down
Hi there and thanks for your comment.
I’m happy that you felt free to deviate from the topic and share what’s on your mind. Still, I see how the topic of gaslighting is related.
For me, I always feel a little weird when an old friend reminds me of some incident — perhaps even one where i said or did something — that I do not remember. At all.
Are they mis-remembering or am I blanking? Who knows. One friend, he is so confident that his memory is superior to most people’s, can especially make me doubt myself. Even when I know my memory is the accurate one….or is it? 🙂
So I can partly identify with your annoyance at others pointing to your issues with memory.
As I point out in this post, folks with poor memories might be more vulnerable to manipulation. If you have never tried stimulant medication, you might want to give it a whirl.
Cheers.
G
I was on another ADHD specific site and read a post. I realised it was posted by my ADHD wife.
She has been very selective with her facts and accused me of being unsupportive and worst of all “Gaslighting” her.
She posted this after I was painting a room in the house. I came downstairs to find she was playing video games. Then I had to wash the dishes to clean the painting gear. I suggested she might want to help instead of playing video games.
She has not spoken about any of this to me.
She thinks I am spreading lies about her. In reality I have spoken to some friends/family about the difficulties otherwise I will lose my mind. Lack of consistency both in doing chores and in parenting kind of stuff.
She has taken this as I am telling people things are worse than they are and that she is a bad mother. As we all know there are bad times with an ADHD partner when these things are true. This is not always the case but there are very many challenges that the Non-ADHD partner tackles and just says nothing. The accumulation of these things is exhausting.
I don’t know where to go from here if that’s what she thinks.
I have been withdrawn because she is now medicated and we go 1 step forward, 2 steps back and then some sideways steps. I have been very supportive in the past and she didn’t engage with offers of counseling, strategies etc.
I am utterly exhausted and I can’t be happy and chatty with someone who isn’t working with me.
Thoughts?
Hi Ross,
I completely understand this scenario. Seen it many times. It just feels life-draining, doesn’t it.
There can be an unimaginable chasm between the “realities” of the ADHD Partner and the Other Partner. (I never use “non-ADHD partner” because the phenomenon is typically the same in dual-ADHD couples!)
The ADHD Partner feels misunderstood and harshly judged. The Other Partner is exhausted and has run out of ways to try getting help from their ADHD Partner.
In particular, men with female ADHD Partners can have a particularly rough time of it, as few want to hear a man walk about how his wife doesn’t help with the housework. And it might be a bit embarrassing to talk about it.
You say your wife is taking medication. As I always say, “taking medication” is the most meaningless phrase in the ADHD universe. Why? Because prescribing is often done badly. Sometimes not just badly but recklessly. Yes, badly prescribed, medication can make things worse.
—How was the Rx chosen?
—What else was tried?
—Did the dose start low and slowly increase?
—How were symptoms targeted?
—How are they being tracked?
—How is her sleep?
—What about diet and exercise?
—Does the medication effectiveness seem to take a dip around her monthly period?
—What organizational tools is she using to organize her priorities and her time?
—What collaborative strategies are you two using to achieve goals small and large?
As for this incident, had you asked her to help you beforehand and had you been specific?
You say, “I don’t know where to go from here if that’s what she thinks.”
In truth, you really don’t know what she thinks. You know only what she said, perhaps defensively. To deflect from your irritation at her lack of help. To get you to back off. Maybe even to deny her own guilt at not helping more.
Beyond medication, there are other key necessities. Joint education. Joint understanding of ADHD (beyond what we typically see online)—and the common patterns you describe. Joint agreements and strategies.
If you want things to change, you two will need to get serious about methodically tackling ADHD related challenges and working together.
The only place I know to do this, in a reliable, evidence-based way, is my online training: Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle.
You go through the course on your own time. You can do it as a couple or individual. There are all kinds of supports to motivate you through to the end.
Add 3-4 serious arguments and the backward motion that comes from them, and you could have been through the course. 🙂
As the co-author of the only evidence-based ADHD couple therapy guide, this is what ADHD couple therapy looks like — instructional in the practical and the psychological.
https://ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/solvingyouradultadhdpuzzle. – Course 1 – Foundations
https://ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/course-2-physical-strategies – Course 2 – Physical Strategies (sleep, medication, exercise, and nutrition)
This is the culmination of 25 years work, my final gift to folks who are struggling. This is what works.
take care of yourself!
Gina
This is really interesting. I’ve just started out on my adhd journey so I’ll watch out for these types. Actually, truth be told, I still feel very apologetic and self-conscious about my diagnosis like I, too, struggle to believe it – even though it explains so much.
I’ve just finished listening to Gina’s “Is it you, me or adult ADD?” book and it’s such a revelation. I thought my ADD was only really located in my lifelong inertia, lack of motivation and procrastination but, holy smoke, when you hear all the examples of other people’s lives, you (meaning “I”) go “that’s me! And that’s me! And THAT’s me!!” By the way, I recommend you buy the hard copy: not just because that might be better for a person with adhd (haha ha hahaha ha – I had to keep rewinding … and rewinding … and rewinding) but also because the audio version doesn’t have chapter headings (which, I suspect, the hard copy has) and, therefore, isn’t so easy to dip back into. And you REALLY will want to dip back into it. I must get round to buying the hard copy … ..!
I also wanted to comment on the meditation issue. I took up a really intensive type of meditation in 2004. I learned it by way of a 10-day silent meditation course. It was life-changing but, boy, was it hard. It was life-changing in the sense of making it easier to cope with life. But it didn’t change what I now understand to be my adhd symptoms. One thing I really learned on my first ten-day course was how excruciatingly painful I found the experience of being mentally present. With my recent adhd diagnosis, I think I now understand why that was so difficult. By the way, in Gina’s book there is a fleeting mention of the sheer bodily pain of applying yourself to tasks sometimes. I’d love to read more about this sometime. Because procrastination for me is sometimes so tangible it is in my body moreso than in my mind.
I meditated fairly regularly and intensively for about four years before I fell off the meditation wagon. Now, after a break of about 12 years, I’ve gotten back to the meditation. I feel like I “get” it better now and am really benefiting from it. That’s nothing to do with the diagnosis- it’s just age and experience and something like “grace” whatever that is. After an unsuccessful start on Elvanse medication (no benefits and crappier than usual sleep), I’ll be starting Ritalin next week. I’m really hoping that’s the magic wand after 28 years of all kinds of therapy. If that proves to be the case, it will be interesting to see how effective meds married with meditation change my world. Wish me luck, folks!
I really want to take your course, Gina, but would like to get sorted with medication first. And, hey, if the Ritalin doesn’t do it, I won’t wait any longer, I’ll just jump right on the next course.
Thanks for everything you do.
Eimear
Hi Eimear,
Thanks for your thoughtful comment about meditation.
“Mindfulness” is being very much hyped for Adult ADHD. One influential book is even called “The Mindfulness Prescription.”
Mindfulness has shown no evidence in treating ADHD symptoms. Like other methods of decreasing anxiety, it might help there. And, some report that it helps to create a “pause” between think and act.
Then again, many adults with ADHD feel they “fail” at meditation because it only makes them feel worse.
Bottom line: It might help some people with ADHD, and it might make others feel worse. Just depends on individual experience — and type of meditation.
I actually designed Course 2 to prepare folks on approaching medication—and to simultaneously optimize sleep, if that’s an issue.
https://ginapera.adhdsuccesstraining.com/course-2-physical-strategies
The sorry truth is that many prescribers are “winging it” — and that means too many people with ADHD don’t get the results they were hoping for.
They don’t tell you to reduce caffeine or nicotine, lest it throw off medication trials. They don’t tell you that poor sleep can also result in intolerable side effects.
I hope that your prescriber will agree to “start low” with the medication. So many don’t. And they don’t have a clue as to the adverse consequences they create.
I cover this in “You Me ADD” as well.
I just made the paperback available through resources other than Amazon, which might charge a huge amount for shipping. Check some of the UK online bookstores and see if it’s there!
Wishing you all the best!
Gina
I have a couple of comments. My humble opinion again…
‘Instead, I am suggesting that everyone involved become gaslight-proof. That is, with clarifying education, we all can better:
Control our reactions to perceived gaslighting ”
Agreed.
I’d say that I need medication for this. How I wish I could better control reactions. Also, no human is perfect at this. We have buttons and disconnecting is a full-time job at times.
“Avoid “taking the bait” — getting drawn into these mind-boggling, no-win arguments” Al-Anon has helped me a lot with this. Detachment is key for me.
“Stop deepening our pain by automatically jumping to “My partner tries to confuse or invalidate me on purpose””
When I was young, playing with all the other neanderthals, LOL, I DID THAT A LOT. I can’t read minds. Who knows why people do what they do? We bundle up all our neediness and go looking for a fight. Illogical and very unproductive.
“Consider alternative explanations, such as lack of knowledge about ADHD impairments that affect memory, self-awareness, and recall”
I consider withdrawing until I can detach. I can’t read minds and until I can I try not to judge. Some people are looking for a good argument so they can see themselves as white knight, spreading goodness with a sharp tongue. When I do this I lose all sense of how much I am talking, how loud I am etc.
I decided that I have no beef with anyone. My life is short enough and hard enough that it just makes my life worse. I can hate a situation or an idea or an action. I won’t define you by those things. I may not be willing to play those games.
Next week I may be the angry idiot again. Who knows
Nora
Hi Nora,
thanks for your thoughtful comment. I appreciates your turns of phrase:
e.g.
—“We bundle up all our neediness and go looking for a fight.”
—”Some people are looking for a good argument so they can see themselves as white knight, spreading goodness with a sharp tongue.”
Great way to describe the increasingly common trend of some folks online who “jump” on a person whose comment they might misunderstand, extrapolate too much from, etc.. and impugn the person’s very character…all from a comment taken way out of context. But they seem to feel very much on the moral high ground.
I have certainly felt the brunt of that too many times to count. Including in “reviews” of my first book.
There can be a certain “self-medicating” aspect to it, which I touched upon here.
https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-relationship-arguments-conflict-self-medication/
thanks
Gina
wow this is my household too.
Hey Gina, very tasty food for thought here. Comments and replies included. Spectrum Disorder…..just so. How often am I right? How often am I just confidently wrong that I’m right? That’s a hard one to phase. Then there is the idea of it getting more debilitating with age. That’s scary. Frightening even. I can definitely understand why there are those that conclude that checking out is an option. ADHD sucks, this I know full well. What you do is true, enlightening and is making an impact for the good of Humanity. That’s some pretty heady stuff. I proud to know you.
Btw: I’m still puzzling over opening and closing that double umbrella……
Hi Tim,
I greatly appreciate your kind words — and support.
You know, I wonder about that umbrella, too! I never got a close look at it! 🙂
g
Great piece. I actually am married to a man who I’m rather sure has ADHD but he is an ADHD denier and refuses to get assessed. All our kids have ADHD and are in treatment (which he tried to argue with me about and prevent but I didn’t bend on this). I make sure to review as much fact based material as possible to support and assist our kids.
My spouse I know is an unintentional gaslighter. It has gotten worse over the years until, ironically, I started heavily meditating myself lol! It did “ground” me as you mentioned into being confident of my truth and I no longer allow him to bait me into arguments about what he remembers versus what I remember. He’s also tried to tell me that I did/said certain things because of “ABC” reason he creates when it is typically due to “XYZ” reason I already told him and have reiterated to him. I now just tell him I’m an expert on myself. He cannot possibly know more than I do about what I think, feel or intend to do than I do. He’s not a psychic either. Sometimes he still will try to argue about this! But I shut it down and just won’t argue with him and will leave it at the “I’m an expert on me” phrase. Because of the grounding I “know” me and my memories and my intentions/feelings/emotions. I also see his denial and continued tactics to try to to get me in arguments or to agree with him as the ADHD impacting him in that moment. Meditation is helpful for identifying moments.
I’ve told him this is gaslighting behavior and then he uses that to say I am gaslighting him…..
It is ridiculous to me and I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to stay in the marriage forever mostly because it seems he is getting worse and worse with the gaslighting behavior. He used to be much more empathetic and sympathetic when we were first together. So much so, I would worry that current events like natural disasters or shootings or anything near us would make him emotionally crash cause he would be so concerned about other people’s well being. Twenty years later and he doesn’t seem to care about people as much anymore. He vents and is very assertive about saying people are X way all the time. He’s just much more rigid and disagreeable.
I actually wonder if perhaps ADHD gets over time. Many of my in-laws also had ADHD traits when I first met them when they were in their 50s and 60s. They are now in their 70s and 80s and almost all who had these traits have been diagnosed with dementia or alzheimers. I’ve read there is a connection between the two but wonder if perhaps medical professionals are mistaking dementia/alzheimers for ADHD in elderly populations. I do think the “memory” arguments are gaslighting behaviors and I do believe my spouse that he doesn’t remember me saying XYZ or him saying ABC but this worries me considering his relatives later diagnoses.
Dear Denise,
Bravo! And, thank you for your insightful comment. You convey perfectly what I mean by “getting grounded in the facts.”
It’s always a delight to hear from a reader who completely understands my point. ADHD is all about complexity, and the Internet is increasingly simplistic, on almost any topic. But especially ADHD.
As the author of the first/only book to detail the potential effects of poorly managed ADHD on loved ones — and to detail the dual nature of ADHD-related “denial” (physiological and psychological), I applaud your navigating these very tricky waters. I’m glad that meditation helped you to, it sounds like, be less reactive and more self-contained. It is so easy to get caught up in another person’s distortions and blame-displacements. Even if this is not intentional, and is part of the disorder, it can lead us to tragic places.
To your last point, I absolutely agree. I’ve made this point in presentations and webinars for years, wrote a white paper a while back (needs updating), and then…I finally found a “real life” example, to substantiate.
Here it is:
Is It Alzheimer’s Disease of Misdiagnosed ADHD?
Take care,
Gina
Really helpful to hear a nuanced take on this complex (and presumably rare?) situation. Sometimes I really feel like my spouse is gaslighting me – claiming I never said things I’ve said (usually things I’ve said many times) or that some event never happened that just happened, or changing their story/recollection/excuse from one sentence to the next until they are absolved of any guilt or wrongdoing – and then denying they changed anything from the start.
I’m not an angry person. I am not verbally or physically abusive. I do not weaponize my spouse’s ADHD through violent words. But if I’ve tripped over your shoes for literally the 50th time, and you’ve said you would put them in the shoe cabinet 2 feet away each time, and I get angry about the situation (without insulting or threats of course), the last thing I want to hear is I’m “scary” because “you never know” when I’m going to get upset about something, and that “”if the shoes in the middle of the stairs were a problem you could have just said so”. GAHHHHHHH!!!
Deep down I don’t think they’d try to gaslight me on purpose. I don’t think they possess the social manipulation skills (on the spectrum) nor the narcissistic mean streak (genuinely very loving). So it’s been very… confusing. Intellectually I tell myself there’s something going on with their brain (perhaps some cocktail of poor working memory, rejection sensitivity, fragile ego, CAPD, and oppositional defiance), but emotionally I’m not sure it makes the situation any less frustrating …or any less toxic.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a madhouse. There are days I literally wish we had cameras recording everything we do and say around the house, because anything not confirming their very rigid sense of self or memory is an instant unasked-for argument.
I saw a study that people with ADHD have worse memory but are much more confident in what they think they remember. And I thought “we could have been easy subjects in this”! Even when my significant other’s memory changes from moment to moment, I believe they still genuinely believe whatever their latest revision is.
So now it gets REALLY tricky. Understanding that one’s working memory and confidence in it are not necessarily accurate reflections of reality could help someone soften their defiance and just let things go. A “sorry – I must have forgot that” versus a defiant “that never happened!”. On the other hand, that makes the person vulnerable to gaslighting. I tried to talk to them about this a few years ago, but I felt icky. Like, it’s exactly what a really twisted abuser would say.
I found the title of your article intriguing as I thought it might offer some magical solution to this quandary. A place to thread the needle between being flexible with your views without letting them be easily manipulated. It wasn’t about that, but I still found some solace knowing I’m not the only person going through this. Perhaps the best answer for a situation as complicated as incompatible realities is an objective 3rd party; a couple’s counsellor.
Hi there,
You are definitely not alone. I truly encourage you to read my book. It seems that you need a solid education in all the “nuances” — the kind the Internet just doesn’t typically offer.
CAPD? Typically secondary to ADHD — and, as such, responds to ADHD treatment.
RSD? A made-up term with a made-up “cure”. The healing of this phenomenon involves more complexity, of the type that I write about.
Seriously, I would not advise getting one’s education online. We see an alarming amount of copy-cat superficial nonsense out there, even among what one might consider “vetted” sources.
Yes to the “more confidence.” It’s called the “Positive Illusory Bias” and I write about that, too, in my first book.
https://amzn.to/3o0KRzX
I wish there were “magical solutions”. But there aren’t. There is only human complexity, in this case viewed through the complex ADHD lens.
And absolutely, I would not THINK about seeing a couple’s counselor before reading my book (or taking my course). There’s a reason I entitled a chapter, “The Wrong Therapy Is Worse Than No Therapy.” You could be led down some scary spider holes, and so could your partner. Caveat emptor!
take care,
Gina
Boy, can I identify with what you said about shoes tripping you up. Every night I ask my ADHD husband to move his shoes so if I need to get to the bathroom during the night (I am handicapped), I won’t trip over them. I try to say it and other things in a calm manner and not refer to past events because if I get mad, he will say, “With all the things I do for you, how can you treat me that way.” He does do a lot for me. Interesting enough, I find that I get really mad only when my blood sugar is low (I am on insulin). Our marriage succeeds because of many things because I try to remember that he can’t help it sometimes. I stay in the present.
Hi Maria,
That sounds treacherous! Just curious…does your husband have a “point of performance” support?
In this case, perhaps a designated box or stand that says SHOES in big letters, placed close to wherever he tends to remove his shoes.
g
Hi there, you wrote this along time ago, but I’m just now reading and have truly never felt so seen. Everything you’re describing here is my husband, it’s eerie. Probably no chance you’ll be able to contact me, but if you see this, I would really love to connect.
Looking back on the downward spiral of my marriage to ADHD and NPD, I often wonder where the ADHD stopped and the NPD started. Because by the end it felt more like NPD and less like ADHD.
In my on-going recovery stage after the divorce, the places that have been helping me the most are the ones concerning NPD. The older he got, the more determined he was to make me believe his version of “the truth”. There was no space in his world for me to have my own perception or point-of-view or to listen to anything I said that didn’t agree with him. Our marriage didn’t start that way. I do think it was more ADHD near the start.
When people asked why I divorced him, I had many different answers. One was that it was because there was no longer room for the two of us in the relationship. There was only room for him.
Hi Heather,
NPD doesn’t suddenly come on later in life. Unless there is a head injury or other type of brain trauma or disease.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a label that does not explain cause or origin.
The trouble is that many people do not understand that ADHD itself can provide the foundation for narcissistic behavior.
This is due to empathy deficits. Does this mean that all people with ADHD are narcissists or have empathy deficits? No, ADHD is highly variable, and there are other personality traits in the mix.
Some people with ADHD suffer from having too much empathy — and being unable to regulate it.
Here are two blog posts about ADHD and empathy.
https://adhdrollercoaster.org/?s=empathy
I hope this helps.
g
I really love this blog and topic. I really related to the part about the ADHD partner saying you have an anger management problem. My husband told me his and my son’s psychiatrist told him that I had “an anger management problem.” At that point I had asked him to do something politely several times which he didn’t hear or remember. The only thing he remembered was the final time when I screamed at him. Now I understand better why I need to maintain my cool. I am the last person to scream at anyone including my husband. I appreciated learning your techniques. You are one strong woman. Fondly, Dr. Maria Pugliese
Hi Maria,
Thank you so much!! Coming from you especially!
That’s so funny. You see the lesson as “why I need to maintain my cool.”
I saw the lesson as “He needs to listen the first or at least the third damn time!”
Then again, I am full Italian. Maybe you are half? lol
thanks so much for reading and commenting,
g
PS: To Gina, I am 100% Italian and allergic to garlic. Parternal grandparents from Southern Italy and Maternal grandparents from Northern Italy–as one native Italian said to me, “Only in America.”
Hi Maria
That’s hilarious! And true!
And I’m allergic to olive trees! Visited Florence in June. I literally could not stop sneezing. Convulsively.
Had to take antihistamine (many) and put cold compresses on my face — and not go outside much. 🙂
g
The market story was a good one. There is an idea out there that is held with religious fervor by a lot of people. The idea is that everyone is the same and it is only conditions that make us different. Like religious people, they believe that holding a different view leads to hell. The hell in this case is Nazi-ism. In that guy’s mind he was attacking someone whose ideas would lead to Nazi-ism.
It is easy to criticize people like your verbal adversary but there are other conditions that cause negative behavior besides ADHD. He may have been born with or acquired one of them. For some people an ideology gives meaning to their life and some self-esteem. The problem your guy had was that his ideology had taught him to see people who disagreed with him as adversaries. He also believed, like many people do, that the more emotion he brought to the conversation the more right he was.
Hi Starman,
Thank you for your thoughtful comment — and bringing up a key point about “everyone is the same and only conditions make us different.”
By the way, I must have been unclear. I wasn’t implying that Farmer’s Market Man had ADHD.
All I knew? He had gaslighting-esque skills. From what did they spring? I have no idea.
Maybe the cult of the David Lynch Foundation. But what drew him to that? Maybe narcissism. Poor empathy. Poor “theory of mind” — being able to take the perspective of others. Or, like many anti-psychiatry zealots, he’d once had faith that psychiatrists and medication could help him — and was badly burned. Hearing several hundred of those stories myself, I understand his vitriol.
I have no hesitation in criticizing his behavior, though. Anti-ADHD crusaders cause real harm. And, if anyone seemed prone to Nazism, it was him.
I think I know what you mean by “the idea that everyone is the same and it is only conditions that make us different.” Basically, the antediluvian Tabula Rasa, right? Blank slate. Babies are born with no predispositions to anything, perhaps genetic and in utero issues that wreak havoc with simple body parts like the heart or lungs but miraculously have no effect on the most complex organ imaginable: the human brain. It is only experiences that form the psyche.
That seems the extreme left’s bread and butter. Mental illness comes entirely from poverty, classism, discrimination, etc.. Property is theft. Cliff Notes Marxism. Extremism in any direction is dangerous, in my humble opinion. I call it the extreme-left’s version of climate-change denial. Anti-science.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
g
P.S. I love your blog. I’ll share the “French Kids Don’t have ADHD” post on my Facebook page.
Gina, I’m full of admiration for how you kept your cool! I would have been defensive and probably aggressively so. Hats off to you. I have much to learn. Thanks again for all your work and effort.
Love, Josie G
Hey Josie!
I hope you are well!
Thank you.
Hi Gina,
I’ve been in a very tough position with year 16 learning wife has adhd, it was a wonderful month and she felt supported by me trying to learn and appreciate what she went through when I discovered what I had confirmed I went through I just needed to feel validated. It turned into quickly her thinking I was blaming her. Then it went straight into adhd isn’t the reason. After 16 years of being ignored I really couldn’t handle that and the level of defensiveness was at 100% (we had only been back 6mths and we were so in love again) then it went to 0. My wife has surrounded herself with people who tell her what she wants to hear. I’ve been completely pushed to the side and everyone looks at me as this person that needs anger management. I have offered so many relative papers and videos directly providing an identical occurrence to the point.
But every single attempt is a NO before even listening. That drives me to a break down most times.
I get pushed by everyone that is close to her that I need the help. I’ve been so alone with this for quite some time but it went into lockdown for 3mths and my mental health has been completely ignored. I’ve done everything I could and I am seen as the problem. (I’ll take my fair share).
I did everything I meant to do but she doesn’t realise the person that I come out with frustrated and angry is well after many many 100s of attempts to manage it together. She now wants a divorce but we are still yet since Jan had an open conversation with a plan.
I feel overwhelmed with loneliness and im breaking and making everything worst.
Dear Luke,
I am so sorry you’re facing this situation.
The sad and horrible truth is, there is an army of self-promoters online, claiming ADHD expertise (some just by virtue of the face they were diagnosed…yesterday!).
Rather than being honest and knowledgeable — and really trying to help these folks move past symptoms that no doubt cause them trouble elsewhere in life (not just relationships) — they pander.
They feed them fake “self-esteem” instead of helping them to develop a solid sense of self.
It’s deplorable. The fact that many of these people also receive covert pharmaceutical-company funding? Sickening.
I’ve worked very hard to for years, to help the adults with late-diagnosis ADHD and their partners. To my mind — and the top experts endorse my work — teamwork is the best approach.
I just offered a very-low-cost option to try out my new online training — and you can apply it course 1 if you decide to continue.
Honestly, this is what you need. As the co-author of the first evidence-based ADHD couple therapy guide, I literally “wrote the book on it.”
https://adhdsuccesstraining.com/solving-your-adult-adhd-puzzle-for-couples-and-individuals/
good luck!!
g
Ooof, can’t stand people like that. I usually just tell them what they want to hear, like a “Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way” and then disengage. Doesn’t work for friends and family, though,
Hi Devon,
Absolutely, I don’t engage with these types most of the time.
This guy caught me so off-guard, and I was quite the evangelist for ADHD — then and now.
Plus, I wanted to see what would happen. 🙂
G
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Richard,
Are you aware of something called formatting?
Hello Richard,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.
No, even in hindsight, it wasn’t even a bit inappropriate to wear my very attractively designed t-shirt. The logo was small-ish and tasteful. And the t-shirts were given to participants in an ADHD Aware fun-run. I was proud to wear it.
I was just out to enjoy the morning at the farmer’s market. And I did.
thanks,
Gina
H D — So true. In fact, as I watched this guy pontificate, I was struck by how much he reminded me of a Jim Jones- or David Koresh-type cult leader.
As for the David Lynch Foundation, I’m sure he and all involved think they are doing good. And maybe they are. Goodness knows we all need to slow down our “monkey minds” a bit and be more present in our daily lives. But it was using scare tactics about legitimate ADHD medications to promote meditation that really rankled me and even made me a bit suspicious about motivations.
Self-medication is often a way to cope temporarily that gets repeated over and over. Real damage occurs to people every day when they miss the opportunity to get help through ignorance or fear and avoid the cycle of self-medication.
If you use scare tactics to recruit, you will filter for people who will settle for self-medication rather than substantive help. People who lead these types of movements usually benefit from the ‘help’ or at least gain the addoration of the masses (their own special self-medication).
Fortunately, very few of these groups have the tragic ends we’re used to seeing in the news every decade or two. Thanks for getting it into the open. I’m disappointed, I like David Lynch films, I will have to do some more reading about this.
I’ve never understood why certain people seem to want to force their beliefs on others, much less attack people that are going about their business. I think meditation is helpful, but I also know it is not the answer alone and there are a lot of ADDers who cannot remain still long enough to meditate in the first place. There are lots of alternatives, but none of them really overcome the entire spectrum. Besides, when people present their ideas in such a manner it will usually have the opposite effect anyway and gives whatever they are talking about a negative suggestion. It’s too bad because meditation can help some a lot, but as I said, it’s not the complete answer either. What works for one person may not work as well for another…
Glad you are okay Gina!
Bryan
Hi Bryan,
Thanks for stopping by.
You know, there’s a popular quote that several friends have posted recently on Facebook: “First the truth will made you mad; then it will set you free.”
That is the issue in such confrontations, in my opinion. It’s not about meditation. It’s about ADHD; more specifically, the person who is reacting so violently against the mere idea of ADHD or medical treatments for it suspects that he or she has ADHD or some other “brain chemistry” condition (and in fact might have been told that more than once). As Shakespeare put it: “Methinks thou dost protest too much.”
The more defensive the person is about the issue of ADHD (or any other “diagnosis”) and the more narcissistic, the more inclined the person will be to see even a t-shirt as an attack.
g
I wish I had a photo, Scott. The psychological bully image would be even more evident!
He was Central Casting’s idea of cult leader that dominates by psychological and emotional manipulation. Not at first, of course. Only when he was countered.
Gina, Way to go! I still can’t get that “Psychological bully” way of describing the man out of my head (lol). Bullies always fall when someone stands up to them, and shows no fear. You had a weapon though>Facts.
Hi David,
A “tad on the shrill side?” Yes, you could say that about Ann Coulter. lol!
Here’s the thing…..some people are expert at provoking otherwise rational people into acting like blithering nincompoops. Once they accomplish this, then they have the cool demeanors of, as you say, the Dalai Lama. This accomplishes two things: It elevates them into superiority, and it satisfies their “self-medicating” need to provoke.
Fortunately, Canada doesn’t seem to breed this species in abundance. If you did, you’d probably be as sick of them as some of us are. 🙂
g
I am glad you are on my team Gina.
Reminds of the big stir caused by Ann Coulter’s recent visit to a few campuses here in Canada. I think her topic was the repressiveness of political correctness on campus. In the few times I have heard her on TV she seemed a tad on the shrill side for my taste. This time, she was like the Dalai Lama compared to the humorless and rabid mobs who accused her of “hate speech” and tried to shut her down in the name of “tolerance”.