Gina working in the garden, as sneakily photographed by husband, Dr. GoatLooking for solid, respected, and timeless guidance—including books and courses—on Adult ADHD, including in relationships? Here’s a quick over of my work and where to find it
Over 22 years of ceaseless researching and innovating, I humbly point out that my major works include four important “Firsts”:
- The first comprehensive layperson’s guide to Adult ADHD, including the potential effects of poorly managed ADHD on loved ones and the adults themselves—along with a consumer’s guide to treatment strategies.
- A groundbreaking professional guide on ADHD couple therapy for clinicians and consumers—the first based on the evidence of what works for couple therapy and what works for Adult ADHD
- First Kindle-only book about ADHD’s potential effect on sexual intimacy and how to address challenges
- The first-ever chapter on ADHD couple therapy in psychologist Dr. Russell Barkley’s gold-standard clinical guide. Written at Dr. Barkley’s invitation.
- NEW! An online program for ADHD-challenged couples and individuals to get the evidence-based help they should be getting from therapy—but seldom do. ADHD therapy focuses on the emotional, yes, but also the practical and educational.
For an overview of my published work on Amazon —and Amazon reader reviews—please visit Gina Pera Amazon Author page.
1. Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Winner of four national book awards! Praised by a “Who’s Who” of preeminent experts!
This bestselling guide put Adult ADHD and Relationships on the map — and remains a must-read today.
Adults with ADHD, their partners and other loved ones, and professionals will find comprehensive understanding of symptoms, emotional impact, and evidence-based treatment strategies. This guide also broke new ground by detailing the potential effects of poorly managed ADHD on the partners and other loved ones.
“I recommend it highly to all couples whose troubles seem incomprehensible, and for all couples therapists it should be required reading to help them distinguish between ordinary conflict and the roller coaster effect of this syndrome.”
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.
“Insightful, helpful, witty, and very practical. This book can change your life.”
—Daniel Amen, MD
“There is no better book that addresses such relationship difficulties and with such sensitivity to the complex issues inherent in them. Thank you, Gina, for writing such a useful book.”
—Russell A. Barkley, PhD
“Gina Pera has written a stunning book that should be a must-read for all couples where one or both partners have
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.”
—Anthony Rostain, MD
Read more endorsements on the book’s detail page, through the links below.
Available in Three Formats (as well as in Spanish and Turkish):
- Paperback on Amazon: Is It Me, You, or Adult A.D.D.?
- Paperback internationally: Check wherever you buy books
- Kindle e-book: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
- Apple iBook: Is It You, Me, or. Adult A.D.D.?
- Check other ebook sellers: Google Play, Kobo, Barnes & Noble, Scribd, and 50 more internationally!
- Audio: 12 audio CDs, 2Mp3 CDs, or audio download, available from Amazon and Tantor Media
Read along with the You Me ADHD book club. This is a series of first-person essays written by my friends who happen to be in dual-ADHD marriages (with children diagnosed with ADHD as well!).
2. Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions
2. Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical InterventionsCo-authored with veteran ADHD expert and psychologist Arthur L. Robin. Published in 2016 by Routledge/Taylor & Francis.
Thanks to burgeoning ADHD awareness, individuals and couples worldwide are seeking ADHD Couple Therapy. Until now, however, we’ve had no solid guide — a guide based on the evidence of what works for Adult ADHD and for couple therapy. Now there is: Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions (Routledge, 2016).
The co-authors are recognized internationally as leaders in the field: Gina Pera and Arthur L. Robin, PhD.
ADHD-related challenges underlie many of the issues that bring couples to therapy—money, sex, chore-sharing, co-parenting. Yet, they are too often misperceived as typical “couples troubles” —nothing to do with this neurogenetic brain condition.Instead, these desperate couples largely find:
- Couple therapists who lack the ability to recognize or factor in ADHD contributors to relationship distress.
- Individual therapists who might understand Adult ADHD but lack the ability to provide couple therapy in an equitable fashion. That is, one that does not simply recruit the partner as a “helper” to the ADHD partner.
- Therapists of any type who underestimate the role of neurobiology in dysfunctional behaviors and couple dynamics.
The results? Clients might seem to improve functioning for a while. The minute therapy stops, however, all progress stops, too.
Available at many outlets, including Amazon: Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy: Clinical Interventions
3. Adult ADHD and Sex
Yes, sexual expression is yet another one of those areas—like sleep—where the public and professionals alike often fail to connect the dots to ADHD symptoms.
As I write in Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?:
When ADHD does create significant sexual problems, it usually falls into two categories: The ADHD partner initiates sex all the time or almost never. In the sexual relationship as in elsewhere with ADHD, we encounter variable challenges in self-regulation and summoning motivation.”
Between these extremes (always and never) lies a range of issues that can drive apart couples—if they don’t know what they’re dealing with or what strategies to implement. Ignorance about this critically important connection between ADHD and sexual intimacy creates so much unnecessary hurt.
This is a 2.99 (affordable for everyone!) Kindle-only book. If you don’t have Kindle, you can read on your computer, iPad, or phone by downloading Amazon’s free Kindle app.
Adult ADHD & Sex: What You Need to Know (That Sex Therapists Cannot Tell You)
4. ADHD Couple Therapy Chapter in Russell Barkley’s Clinical Guide
Dr. Russell Barkley invited me to contribute the first-ever chapter on couple therapy to his revised clinical guide: Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment, Fourth Edition (2014).
It expands upon our couple therapy clinical guide and orients ADHD specialists to the importance of keeping in mind needs of the Adult with ADHD, the partner, and the relationship.
5. Online Program: Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle
Solve Your Adult ADHD Puzzle (including relationships) At your own pace. In your own space.
A life-changing course for Adult ADHD-challenged individuals, couples, and loved ones. Professionals, too!
Learn more: Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle
—Gina Pera
Gina,
I’m reading Is it You, Me, or Adult Add, and your book has been a GODSEND! I’m currently dating a young lady that has it, and I didn’t learn she had Add until six months into dating and then maybe another two before I started trying to learn more about it.
Let’s say we have been/are having our fair share of communication problems, and while I’m a very patient and compassionate person – I started losing confidence in myself. Your book has helped me realize I’m not losing it, and I’ve had ideas for implementing good healthy ideas in our relationship to help.
I don’t know what direction we are going, but I’m learning to put myself first a little more. I know there is work that WE BOTH need to do, but I’m also learning that both of us have to be willing to look in the mirror and do it.
Thank you for all of the time you have devoted to your work. Everyone is different, and the journey doesn’t look the same, but having a resource like your work helps those that love someone faced with this challenge have a better sense of clarity and direction.
Somedays, I still feel in the dark, but at least now I have a flashlight. I’m just hoping the lights come on before my battery runs out. Thank you
Dear John,
Thank you for taking the time to write.
I’m grateful that my book has helped you to get clarity — and retain confidence in yourself.
Living in a “mental house of mirrors” can make even the most well-adjusted, secure person develop self-doubt.
You’re right. This is a joint issue.
My online training launches soon!
g
Hello,
I found your book while reading about ADHD and relationships online – my partner and I (both with ADHD) don’t have ADHD-related issues in our relationship yet but we’re both in transitional stages in our life/relationship and as a child of divorce I would prefer to be proactive and be aware of keeping issues away instead of catching them too late (also my ADHD has been really nasty these last few weeks).
I haven’t read your book yet (adding it to my amazon cart is my next step after sending this comment) but I noticed you mentioning in a reply to someone else’s comment that you made sure to include same-sex relationships in your book. I would like to thank you for this. As a woman with ADHD in a same sex relationship, I know I am not the ‘archetypal’ ADHD person many would write about – and I have seen many an article slip into “he” for the adhd partner and “she” for the partner without. It can be uncomfortable and invalidating to be forgotten, especially with something so culturally weighted as ADHD, and I really appreciate your efforts of inclusion there – and awareness that the dynamic of relationships like mine will be inherently different that in straight relationships (not better or worse, just different). I’ll be honest, reading your comment mentioning this was what pushed me over the edge to order your book.
Thank you,
Ann
Dear Ann,
Thank you for your kind, touching note. I’m grateful to know that, in whatever small way, my work has provided validation for you.
At the time of writing, 2008, I received some harsh criticism for even using the word “partner.” “Gina, are you talking about a BUSINESS partner? Do you mean a LAW partner? 🙂
Some folks also warned me that I would turn off a large segment of the reading public.
Well, too bad for them, I thought. Right is right.
In my online group, I also saw that ADHD was the “great equalizer” — that is, many challenges were universal across all kinds of people and their relationships.
You know what….MANY people with ADHD aren’t the “archetypal ADHD person.”
Unlike many writing more in terms of marketing than reality, I’ve sat in a room with 40 random people with ADHD, every month, for years.
My motto: There are no cookie cutters. 🙂
Take care and best of luck to you.
g
This article is such a relief to read. I wondered why my partner likes to argue and blame me so much. I used to think he was a narcissist-type, I never realised it was self-medicating and now I see it clearly as it gets rid of all the angst within him and projects all the problems on to me. I don’t know how I will survive my relationship but I look forward to reading your books. Thank you so much.
Hi Tam,
I’m glad you found my blog—and some validation.
I know this road, and I love to shine a light on the path for others behind me.
Read these two books (or even just the first one), and you will know more about ADHD (especially the potential effect on relationships and the partner) than 90% of the mental-health profession.
I’m not even kidding. I wrote the books because my husband and I had been failed so horribly. And so have millions of others.
Good luck!
g
Is it possible to be happy if you have a couple with ADD?
I just started one of your books and really looks like it´s impossible to be happy.
Adri
Hi Adri,
Keep reading!
No, it’s not “impossible to be happy.” I know plenty of happily married people with ADHD (though they surely had struggles before they knew about ADHD and did something about it).
But please keep in mind…people with ADHD are not clones. They are individuals with varying degrees of a highly variable syndrome — with all the rest of personality consider.
It’s a case by case basis.
g
For some reason i am getting a Sorry! We couldn’t find that page. Try searching or go to Amazon’s home page. when i click on the Kindle link above: e-book (Kindle format and NOOK format).
Hope you can take this remark off after it is fixed.
Hi Nora,
Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to point out that glitch.
Amazon changes things without notice, and that link has been there a few years.
I fixed it.
Thanks!!
g
Hi Gina,
I’ll be buying your first book tomorrow to further inform myself about the destructiveness of ADD in my own relationship with my wife whom is effected…even though we’ll likely be separating soon, I want some additional clarity beforehand to smooth the transition and have a clearer understanding.
Though we no longer argue, we’re roommates at best, perhaps too fatigued and aware of the catalysts leading to conflict after 10 years of conflict to allow them to occur anymore, or to reattempt resolution a septillionth time, while the relationship remains wholly loveless. I’m hoping to find examples of men with ADD partners in your book, as this presents unique and rarely discussed troubles when children are involved, and was seldom mentioned in “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”.
It’s a blessing that people such as yourself have devoted the time to compiling these bodies of shared knowledge. Thank you.
Hi Andrew,
Yes, many men whose female partners have ADHD have passed through my support group. I’ve always had particular empathy for them, as it can take a lot suffering to push some men to seek a support group. 😉
Plus, sometimes their relationship problems center on issues that make them seem like a “male chauvinist pig” for complaining — their female partners grappling with poorly managed ADHD might offer little to no physical intimacy, the house is a mess, there’s no cooking (at least by a reasonable dinnertime hour) and too much shopping, etc. But the fact is, sometimes that is the household division of labor. And when one partner is bringing home the paycheck, the other partner needs to be doing his or her share.
I’ve met more than a few men who are making a good living at a high-stress job yet also preparing the kids for school in the morning, checking homework at night, making dinner, and bathing/putting to bed the children.
I’m not implying that it’s easier for women who are dealing with a male ADHD partner not doing their share at home (or with the paycheck). It simply seems easier for women to find a sympathetic ear about such things than it is for men. Sometimes, though, the feedback is, “That’s men for you!” But I know that’s not true.
I also made sure to include same-sex relationships in the book, knowing full well that might close avenues to a certain segment of “Christian” readers.
So many superficial explanations can obscure ADHD’s impact on a relationship. The challenges might be attributed to “marriage is hard” or “gay relationships are hard” or “Mars Venus”.
But when ADHD is afoot in the relationship, it’s critical to recognize it, in all its guises, forms, and genders. 😉
Good luck in creating some understanding of your relationship, even if you do not choose to continue it.
g
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Hello Gina,
Very much anticipating the publication of your new book on counselling couples where there is ADHD.
This a huge and sad problem for couples and those of us who try to help will, no doubt, find your work of great assistance.
Going to a certain book seller to look at advanced purchasing.
B
Hi Brett,
I really hope you find it helpful. That’s 3+ years of my life (including most weekends) that I’ll never get back. 🙂
I’m also investigating offering online instruction for therapists — and clients. Stay tuned!
tx
g
I am very glad I found your website and am ordering your book.
My 55 year old partner has recently been diagnosed with ADHD after I ‘nagged’ him until he relented and saw a doctor (general practitioner).
The dr prescribed Ritalin and sent him on his way. 3 months later my partner was experiencing shortness of breath and general tiredness. He was diagnosed with having a heart disorder & underwent a minor procedure to correct heart palpitations. His heart is now fine and he’s sworn off Ritalin, both he and his heart specialist blaming the drug. now convinced medication won’t work, and we just have to live with his condition.
He SAYS it doesn’t overly concern him & I should just get on with life and stop over analysing things and stop trying to control everything.
I on the other hand, just wish to experience something approaching ‘calm’ & ‘order’ again! I’m not a control freak but I know when I’m not coping, and I’m not coping now!!
I am a police officer and this job is a walk in the park compared to living with someone with ADHD. My partner has been married twice before and left his second wife for me. He has four children from 9- 27. Sometimes I pray he will just leave me too. Other days I fantasize that something awful will happen to him to payback the misery he causes those of us who have to live with him. I teeter between trying desperately to help him and then when I fail, to leaving him. Each time I have left he has chased me so with such determination, I have relented, often through exhaustion. I have lost the respect of my own children, my friends and work colleagues, all of whom think I am crazy to keep on putting up with him.
Exasperating does not start to describe his behaviour, and I regard this time of my life as something I just have to endure, that one day I will escape to my coastal paradise (on my own!!!). I’m counting on it, it’s what keeps me sane. I might add that I have loved my partner and looked up to him, trusted him and tried to understand and support him. I have helped him through an unpleasant divorce and tried to survive a blended family situation (another story!). His youngest child also has ADHD (undiagnosed) but when I suggest this, I am the evil step parent. I am now finally worn out. Love? This is now just trying to get on with things, not love.
He has done some incredibly hurtful things and breached my trust on so many occasions, I don’t think I could ‘love’ him in the true sense any more. I have to look after myself, and I can’t just keep lining up for the emotional punishment he delivers with such apperent unawareness. If anything this experience has given me such sympathy for anyone living in my situation. I do not feel sorry for myself at all – I did choose this man after all. But it makes me very sad that there must be countless people out there suffering through a similar situation and that there is really not much out there in the way of understanding or support, and medical help? We may as well be trying to split an atom. I thank you for your website. I am tentatively hoping I have now opened a door to the enlightenment I so desperately need.
Hi Elizabeth,
I do hope you read my book, because I think it will validate many of your experiences.
It will also explain, I hope, how no matter how much we love a person or want to “help,” ADHD can be bigger that our best intentions.
The right information. The right treatment. They can help get folks on the right track.
Too often, of course, the hurt has mounted over many years. On both sides. Repairing that hurt and undoing many of the poor coping strategies can be a challenge. Sometimes it’s best to cut your losses and take care of yourself, lest you keep being drawn into the vortex of chaos.
Only you can know the right path for you. My book provides many details and insights that should help you both, no matter what your future decision about the relationship.
Good luck to you and do take care of yourself,
Gina
Well it does seem to explain a lot … why I can’t remember some of my past, why I can watch a show and not even realise I saw it before until the ending – I was either thinking of something else at the time (daydreamng) or I just wasn’t paying full attention, wasn’t absorbing. I actually felt/feel like I have been living in a fog – just going a long like a zombie – just doing because it was expected (or so I thought) … I did not say no to people asking me for help because I was afraid of not being liked. I managed my life by fixing other lives, it was my high – leaving me not having to deal with mine but I burned out. Now that I have backed away – I can see the error in my ways, I can lay off my sons problems, not be so overwhelming (I am pretty sure he has tuned me out in self-defense) … I can see I need to fix my ways before I can do anything else.
Funny story that kind of sums up my life in my fog: I tried weed once, I didn’t know if I was thinking or saying it out loud … I would watch and wait for response if I “thought” I said something but didn’t get and answer laeving me dumbfounded OR worse … I actually said out loud what I was thinking … sometimes it was not good … ><
Thank you again for all your help …
Yes, I believe I have been bombarding my son.
Yes, I may have ADHD – I can be OVERLY obsessive with whatever I am focusing on, I dislike being in crowds, I dislike being the centre of attention, I hurt easily and can’t let it go, I embarrass easily, I do not like not being able to “fix” peoples problems, I like things to be in “order”, traumatic events make me become paralized – I feel helpless, I worry too much of what “could” happen, I have day “what would I do if” nightmares, I became an introvert-I have no friends (at my choice) because I can not handle my own life (and family) problems let alone anyone elses problems. I seemed to be a magnet for helping solve other peoples (friends) problems, I can’t say “no” – so I backed out of socializing because doing that “fixing” wore me down emotionally and physically.
These books and this conversation are also helping me to understand me. Almost 54 years old and I am finally understanding and noticing what “I” was doing, what I am like, and what I have to work on.
Good for you, for being honest with yourself.
I believe the best way to help your son now is to help yourself.
By now, he’s accustomed to tuning you out — perhaps in self-defense. It’s just too much.
But he will NOTICE if you start making positive changes in your own life. That will get his attention, and through you, he might learn more about what is possible when it comes to managing ADHD.
good luck!
g
I meant to ask – do you think tapes of “white noise” may benefit his anxiety attacks, aggressive feelings and sleepness nights?
Hard to say, Cynthia. Might help. Might make things worse. Depends on the individual.
AS soon as I sent the last response I realized I already that knew why he “sometimes he does things very well, then next time he won’t even make the effort – Inconsistency … and I realize why he (and I) both misunderstand – it’s all in one’s own personal perception of what they heard/saw and if we heard/saw everything, not just bits and pieces. I also know assumptons also play a big role in our misunderstandings and disagreements.
It helps to think of his brain (and my brain) that way because we both burn out and need time off to defrag.
We have tried the magnesium – and his latest comment to me was “will you lay off with the remedy ideas already, my cupboard is full”, he’s accepted the bottle’s readlily eneough to “shut me up” but likely put them aside and never tried them … that’s my son.
I thank you for your help. I have your book on my order list. I am hoping some parent/s of an adult adhd that left the nest will eventually help shed more light on how to better understand their ADHD adult – their personal stories may benefit a lot of confused parents.
Cynthia, if you have been bombarding him with lots of “remedies,” you might want to step back and think about being more strategic.
If there’s a chance that you also have ADHD (it is highly genetic), I encourage you to look into that.
It is hard to help someone with ADHD when one’s own ADHD symptoms cause problems with self-regulation, focus, organization, strategy, and separating the wheat from the chaff.
As I said before, my book is ABOUT Adult ADHD And it contains many personal stories as well as evidence-based strategies.
good luck,
g
RE: “It sounds, though, like you might still be on the fence a bit as to how much this is “willpower” and how much a valid medical condition. Albeit one that can come with the “denial” I spoke of earlier.”
“Because it’s not just a matter of “how you phrase things.” It’s a matter of entire perspective. If he can know that you understand what he’s up against, what he feels inside (as far as not being able to motivate himself or whatever his challenge), then he might be more willing to listen to you. But if you are just saying, “You need to do better,” well, what if he can’t? How do you think that would feel?”
g- I will admit I have Prayed that he will wake up one morning and all is well, he is “healed” completely from all affictions, and yes I do question his willpower as he does seem to give up too fast, too easy AND sometimes he does things very well, then next time he won’t even make the effort – he just waits and lets others do for him.
BUT there is a lot more info out there now-a-days on ADHD in Adults and I am reading every thing I can get my hands on so I can understand it, and by doing that I am getting a lot of “ah ha” moments. I am seeing that maybe I am catching him at a time when he is “overwhelmed” and why he may snap at me if I ask him anything – I am learning to “test the fullness of his cup” before I even consider adding more to it. He does say he can “sense” my anxiety, so I myself have to learn to be calmer about how I approach things with him. I am learning. I do intend to add your book to my collection. I am trying to “walk in his shoes”, “see things from his perspective” so I can understand what he is up against.
I also have to admit I originally bought the “self help” books for him BUT I started reading them and when the “ah ha” moments starting happening for me – I kept them for myself.
Not too much info about ADHD adults and the relationship/struggles with their parents …
Hi Cynthia,
I feel for both of you. It shouldn’t have been this hard. The public just has no idea how uneven the standard of care is for people with ADHD and associated conditions. It’s enough to make me understand the vehemence of the “anti-psychiatry wingnuts.” Because i see the damage that unenlightened care has done — for 13 years now.
You are right: there is very little written for the parents of adults with ADHD. I think that my book comes the closest to it, if you just ignore certain key parts on intimacy, etc.
I don’t say this to you to “sell” my book. I wrote the book after many years of volunteer service, seeing what it is that people need to know. And putting it all, as much as I could fit, into one reference book.
It sounds like your son has made many medical rounds. I wonder if he’s tried two things: massage and magnesium supplementation.
Most of us are deficient in magnesium, and it is a key mineral for hundreds of physical-cellular functions. Specifically to your son’s case, when it is deficient, there is often stiffness and cramping in the muscles and tendons.
Calcium is the mineral that “stiffens” and gives rigidity to muscles; magnesium allows them to relax and move. The two minerals work in concert and require balance. Yet many of us consume far too much calcium, in relation to magnesium.
A quick Google search for “dystonia + magnesium” turned up this; I’m sure there are more:
http://dystoniasupport.blogspot.com/2011/02/magnesium-and-dystonia.html
I wish you both the best and encourage you to be optimistic. I personally have not always been well-served by the medical profession, and I’ve had to seek out my own answers. There is much that physicians do not know, and much we can do for ourselves.
g
P.S. on this part of your note: “AND sometimes he does things very well, then next time he won’t even make the effort – he just waits and lets others do for him.”
ADHD is a very cunning condition. What you describe is one of the key reasons that people get so exasperated with their loved ones who have ADHD: Because it seems they CAN do what they’re supposed to do SOMETIMES.
As some say, “The most consistent thing about ADHD is…..INCONSISTENCY.”
Think of such brain functions as will power, initiation, motivation, etc. as being like muscles. A weak or overworked muscle can just stop working for us, intermittently, because it is tired, exhausted.
g
Hi Lorre,
That’s so true. I often welcome the parents of adults with ADHD to our local “partners of” meeting.
You’re right in that the relationship requires a different approach than that with intimate partners. But many of the principles are the same.
best,
g
Re: P.S. re: “I took him to a doctor right away and found out he developed permenant neck/jaw fixed Dystonia from the meds.”
g – After the 1st doctor I took him to – he has seen several other doctors who refered him to brain chemistry and movement disorder specialists – all agree with “probable drug-induced” Dystonia diagnosis. He has also been refered to and saw physchologists, councellors, been to a few naturopaths, has had accupunture treatments, and has tried several vitamin/mineral/herbal remedies and tried physiotherapy – nothing has helped with his fixed Dystonic neck/jaw condition as of yet.
Thanks Gina, he was diagnosed with inattentive ADD with a LD at age 7, he is now 34, he knows he has ADHD. We tried most adhd meds but he was very senstive to all, bad side effects so he was taken off them and he managed with my reminders and guidance. He married in his mid 20’s, had 2 beautiful children, about a year before the birth of his 2nd child, he started having “don’t boss me around or control everything in my life” problems in his marriage. Unannounced to me he went back on ADHD meds about then. A few months after the birth of his 2nd child he was kicked out of his home – he was having problems with anger and verbal aggression and tuning out (all side effects he had back when he was a child). He shows up on my doorstep, drooling, shaking, very very anxious and it seemed like his chin was stuck to his shoulder blade. I took him to a doctor right away and found out he developed permenant neck/jaw fixed Dystonia from the meds. He is now on disability, doesn’t work, relies on welfare. He has his own place, lives alone but he has become a shut in, hiding away from life, not dealing with anything until it’s too late and sometimes impossible to correct, that’s when he calls me in to help him deal or fix his problems – he is absorbed in his computer and not dealing with reality, he even ended up homeless at one point for 3 months. I try to let him “be a responsible adult” but it always ends up back on my plate to get him out of jams. I have said no to cleaning it up numerous times and the next thing I know he is evicted or power cut off or lost visitation or phone rights to his children and he calls me saying “I am his last hope – mom please I am so overwhelmed I can’t deal”. I am tired, I am frustrated and now lately if I contact him to see if he is keeping on track – he says I am demeaning, bossy, a nag, and worse. I don’t know how to keep him on track without coming across as a nag, I do know if I don’t he will crash yet again because he is not doing anything to help himself – he just sits there in front of his computer, fully absorbed in it and tells me I nag him too much and cuts me off/out. He tells me I don’t say I am proud of him enough and quite honestly lately he is correct – because I am so blinded by all the trauma. I love him but I don’t know how to deal with it anymore, I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t and he still just puts doing important things off until too late – then calls me. I am proud that he has never turned to street drugs or booze to cope … that is a Blessing, he has turned to his Church BUT he is using people there too, to do for him that he can’t seem to do – afford food, clothing, rides, clean his home … I am just at a loss on what to do to and I am afraid for him if I do nothing. Between and rock and a hard place. I just need to know how to word things without seemingly to demean him because my words/guidance are not meant to do that. I can’t even ask him “how are you today” and he takes offence and goes off on a defensiev rant on me. I am sooooo tired.
Oh dear. I sympathize with your situation. And his.
Medical care, in large part, is not what it should be for these conditions. It also takes a lot of trial and error for some people to find the best benefit from medication. And, for some who are highly impaired, they will not have much of a functioning life without medication. But patients and their families must be educated so they can self-educate.
It sounds, though, like you might still be on the fence a bit as to how much this is “willpower” and how much a valid medical condition. Albeit one that can come with the “denial” I spoke of earlier.
I do think reading my book will help give you a foundation of understanding. Because it’s not just a matter of “how you phrase things.” It’s a matter of entire perspective. If he can know that you understand what he’s up against, what he feels inside (as far as not being able to motivate himself or whatever his challenge), then he might be more willing to listen to you. But if you are just saying, “You need to do better,” well, what if he can’t? How do you think that would feel?
I still would encourage finding a healthcare provider who can help him overcome any lingering effects of whatever medication he took. Perhaps someone to focus on building up neurotransmitter building blocks, vitamins, and minerals. And I encourage you to find out what was that medication that allegedly gave him these side effects, so he doesn’t ever take it again and so it can inform the next doctor.
I hope this helps.
g
P.S. re: “I took him to a doctor right away and found out he developed permenant neck/jaw fixed Dystonia from the meds.”
I would not accept that conclusion from any doctor until I got other opinions, including from a healthcare professional who knows more about human biochemistry. I’m not typically a huge fan of naturopaths — their educational institutions are question, in my opinion. But if you can find someone who can work on some health basics with him, that might help improve his condition. And sometimes physicians are just not up to the task.
being a parent of an ADHD (non-hyper) child that is now a grown adult, I am finding it difficult to communictate with him, as an adult he now takes my guidance, advice or reminders as criticism and is always on the angry defensive and I can barely get 2 words out and he shuts me down/out with a nasty remark. Are there any books/on-line groups that can help me re-learn how to talk to a adhd adult with out it coming across as being negative to him? Guidance/reminders that worked with him as child/teen do NOT work now. I am at a loss, it is like he hates me now.
I’m sorry to hear this, Cynthia, and I wish I could say this rarely happens.
It’s hard to say what would be helpful at this point. You don’t mention if he has ever been medically treated (and if he is now), how well he’s functioning, etc. So many factors.
It’s important to remember that ADHD can cause impairment in a person’s ability to be objective about themselves. Also called “denial.”
If he thinks he has no problems, and you’re the one who keeps pointing out where he needs help, he’s possibly seeing YOU as the problem.
I would suggest that you read my book, to learn more about Adult ADHD, especially the “denial” component.
best,
Gina
I am going to order your book. I think my husband has it. I watched that video of Mr. Green and it was funny. Made me feel a little more compassionate. But I feel so frustrated because my husband is in denial. I feel absolutely drained from mediating and trying to keep him calm and put out fires. It has been this way our whole married life – almost 30 years. But it seems to have magnified over the last couple years. I think he also has some OCD mixed in the Adult ADHD.
Hi Leslie,
Most people find the book a solid guide to understanding Adult ADHD and its treatment strategies. So I do recommend it. 😉
Yes, sometimes ADHD symptoms can worsen with age as well as with life events, such as death of a parent, economic downturn, etc.
best,
g
I have taken the ADHD test on line and scored a 97, aced it. I didn’t even have to study. Is there a number I can call to get help. I am in my last several weeks of getting a degree as an occupation therapy assistant and struggling a lot. I have done some reseach and found the reasons why.. PLEASE help.
Hi Shawn,
I replied to your other comment on another post.
You don’t indicate what kind of research you have done; there is some good information on the Internet but also much misinformation.
I wrote my book as a comprehensive guide to understanding Adult ADHD and pursuing treatment, including learning about the components of an evaluation and medication/therapy strategies.
The book is available in paperback and also audiobook format. Here is a link to purchase it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0981548709/ref=s9_sims_gw_s1_p14_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0Y9XTBJ1CB14HVJ3H570&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846
I’m not sure what my problem is, however most of my close friends say I have ADD. I’m in desperate need of help.
Hi Shawn,
If most of your close friends say that, it’s probably worth listening to. 🙂
The best place to start is educating yourself about ADHD. That’s why I wrote my book, to be a comprehensive guide for adults with ADHD and their loved ones.
good luck on your journey,
Gina