Are you struggling in a relationship where one or both of you have ADHD, including late-diagnosis ADHD? Join the discussion inspired by my first book.
No fees. No registration. Always open. Always current. The discussion starts with chapter-by-chapter essays based on Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
Essays come courtesy of two friends who are also good writers, Taylor J. and Jaclyn Paul. Both are late-diagnosis ADHD and married to late-diagnosis men. There are several children with ADHD in the mix, too.
We could call it the You, Me, and Adult ADHD Book Club. But it’s never too late to join in the discussion — that is, read the comments and add your own!
You needn’t have read the book yet, but I hope you will at some point. It’s helped so many people get grounded and more clearly focused on building a happier future.
A big part of healing from ADHD-fueled relationship challenges is finding your voice, finding the words to describe your experience to yourself but also for others. Try it and see!
The goal here is simple: To provide an accessible, on-your-own-time forum for
- Discussing book-inspired epiphanies, and
- Broadening your understanding of Adult ADHD. Particularly its impact on relationships.
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? covers a lot of ground, and it’s a very dense book. There’s no fluff!
One-Stop Resource for Individuals, Couples
To be clear: this book is not simply about ADHD and relationships. I designed it to be one-stop shopping for adults with ADHD and their loved ones for truly understanding the complexity of ADHD and “stopping the roller coaster” in their lives. (See hyperlinked chapter list at the end of this post.)
Who Leads the You, Me, & ADHD Group Discussion?
Taylor J. penned most of the essays. She is a book fan-turned-friend who has the “lived experience” with ADHD from many angles.
- She has ADHD, diagnosed just a few years ago.
- At least one of her parents and siblings have ADHD.
- Her husband was diagnosed shortly after she was.
- As for her four children and ADHD? Well, that’s an unfolding story. Stay tuned.
(Update: Read about what happened when her eldest, age 7, started stimulant medication: ADHD, Empathy & “Raising a Narcissist”)
Author and blogger Jaclyn Paul took up leadership with the chapter on medication. How Can Medication Help ADHD
Read or Listen to the Book
Here are links to sources for purchasing the paperback and audio version of Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?:
- On Amazon: paperback and Kindle, with audio available as Mp3 downloads or on CDs
- Audible.com: audio download
- Tantor.com: CDs, Mp3 on CDs, and downloadable Mp3
Thank you, Taylor and Jaclyn, for joining me in creating this remarkable resource. I couldn’t have asked for better group leaders!
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Hyperlinks to Each Essay
Chapter titles appearing as hyperlinks correspond to an essay in the Book Club. Click to read.
As you can see, there is plenty of room for guest essays. Let me know if you are interested and in which chapter!
Part One
From the Tunnel of Love to the Roller Coaster: Could Your Partner Have ADHD?
1 Who Has a Ticket to Ride? Spotting ADHD’s Surprising Signs
2 Laying the Track’s Foundation: What Is ADHD, Anyway?
3 Deconstructing Your Coaster: Why Each Is Unique
4 Financial Loop-the-Loops: “It’s Only Money, Honey!”
5 Driving While Distracted: The Roller Coaster Hits the Road
6 Peaks and Valleys: ADHD in the Bedroom
7 More Mystifying Twists and Turns
Part Two
Roller Coaster Whiplash and G-Force Confusion: How Many Plunges Before You Say, “Whoa!”
8 First Plunge: Explaining the Inexplicable
9 Second Plunge: Managing the Unmanageable
10 Third Plunge: Breaking Down in Illness—Or Through to Truth
Part Three
Your Relationship and the Art of Roller Coaster Maintenance: Four Success Strategies
Success Strategy #1: Taking Care of Yourself
12 Solving ADHD’s Double Whammy
Success Strategy #2: Dealing With Denial
Introduction: Roller Coaster? What Roller Coaster?
13 Psychological Denial: The Fear Factor
14 Biological Denial: Not Unwilling to See—Just Unable
15 Reaching Through ADHD Denial in a Loved One
16 More Solutions and Strategies
Success Strategy #3: Finding Effective Therapy
Introduction: Calling in a Consultant to Help Retrofit Your Ride
17 Why the Wrong Therapy Is Worse Than No Therapy
18 Therapy That Works for ADHD
19 More Solutions and Strategies
Success Strategy #4: Understanding Medication’s Role
Introduction: Tightening the Brakes on the Roller Coaster
This post from Jaclyn at The ADHD Homestead touches on a range of issues within this section on medication
20 How Can Medication Help ADHD Relationships?
21 Rx: Treatment Results That Last
22 Maximizing Lifestyle Choices, Minimizing Rx Side Effects
23 Catch Your Breath and Take Five
Appendix A:
Adult ADHD Evaluation and Diagnosis
Appendix B:
“But I Heard That…”: More Background for the Unconvinced
Appendix C:
Three Views from Decades on the ADHD Roller Coaster
Resources
Endnotes
Index
11 thoughts on “Introducing: The You Me & ADHD Discussion Group”
Excerpt from a discussion post in my masters of counseling course. Thank you for all the work you are doing!
====================
I’m sure it won’t come as a huuuuge surprise to those who know me that I was actually diagnosed a year ago as having ADHD . True story! It was always something I thought was a possibility.
When I think of the many symptoms of ADHD, the one’s that applied to me the most include fidgeting, difficulty focusing for long periods of time, short attention span, boredom, etc. (Koutsoklenis & Honkasilta, 2023) Fortunately, I consider myself to be a happy focused ADHD. I feel lucky that I do not display traits like depression, irritability, aggression, anger, or mood swings (Koutsoklenis & Honkasilta, 2023) .
Over the years, I believe many of the police officers I worked with had ADHD. And in many ways, it makes total sense. One of the best things I loved about being a police officer was that no two days were ever alike. You never knew how your day was going to start, and you certainly never knew how it was going to end. The thought of working in a profession that looked like ground hog’s day always scared the hell out of me. Knowing that each day I was going to experience things I had never experienced before is what kept me excited about the job for 35 years.
Though I worked a number of different assignments throughout my career, my favorite was always working patrol. I loved the idea of going from call to call. Every call was different and required me to shift gears in my approaches and thinking.
I scoured the CSU Global library, as well as Google Scholar, in an attempt to find peer reviewed articles pertaining to ADHD and responders. Unfortunately, I was unable to find anything. Though not peer reviewed, I did find a couple of interesting articles about responders and ADHD. I found myself able to relate to much of what was addressed (Pera, 2021) (Morris, 2022).
If I had a school or work assignment that peaked my interest I could totally immerse myself, even in the long term, to make sure that the project was done productively and correctly. Conversely, if I had an assignment that I had little interest in, I found it difficult to stay engaged to see the project through.
When I think about the many police officers I have worked with over the years, there are so many that I would comfortably describe as having ADHD. In many ways, that’s what made them such great cops. I can see folks like firefighters, dispatchers, emergency room physicians and nurses possessing a touch of ADHD. They enjoyed the ever changing environments, the fast paced tasks, and working under emergency conditions.
Many of the cops that I worked with, especially those who excelled in such things like complicated and tedious investigations, administrative and project management, crime analytics and more, were not typically ones I would say stood out as patrol officers.
I think folks with ADHD have been getting a bad rap. People who I believe have ADHD are often creative, ambitious, motivated, and more. Yes, there can be negative sides to ADHD, but through proper attention by counselors and possible medication, it can in many cases be appropriately controlled. I personally accepted ADHD as a badge of honor. Yes, there are things I had to make adjustments to in my learning and task management. That said, I feel absolutely no stigma with the diagnosis.
Since starting my internship I have had a few clients who have been diagnosed with ADHD, and a few who believe they may be. A few felt embarrassed with such diagnosis. I quickly share with them that I have ADHD and that I hardly consider it a disorder. I take the time to tell them the wonderful attributes that can come from it. If they discuss issues related to ADHD that are creating setbacks for them, we then discuss the idea of possible medication and/or neuro-feedback.
~Nick
Koutsoklenis, A, Honkasilta, J. (2023). ADHD in the DSM-5-TR: What has changed and what has not. Front Psychiatry. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2022.1064141. PMID: 36704731; PMCID: PMC9871920.
Pera, G. (2021). ADHD and Police: “Excuse Me, Officer, Do You Have ADHD. ADHD Roller Coaster. https://adhdrollercoaster.org/2021/06/29/ Links to an external site.
Morris, M. (2022). Distracted? Impulsive? Understanding ADHD In First Responders. Cordico Wellness Website. https://www.cordico
Thank you, Nick! Makes a lot of sense.
Gina
Sorry but I don’t see how to participate in the book club. Does it all happen through the blog? Let me know please. And Gina, I want to say once again how much I loved your book. I first read it about 7 years ago, and it changed my life. I cried for a week. Finally I understood. I admire you so much, your advocacy and the research you did on the topic. Your work has been a blessing to so many, I’m sure of it. Even if the marriage wasn’t saved, I gave it my best effort knowing that it was not me or him, but ADD. And when we separated and eventually divorced, I understood why it was happening. And I felt compassion for my then husband, who came into adulthood with emotional baggage he was totally unaware of. But I was in so much pain myself. I am so thankful for your outreach to those with ADD, and their spouses. There are still so many who are unaware of the impact of ADD on relationships and the family overall.
Hi Karen,
Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words.
My energy is flagging today, as I finish all the details on my next book (a clinical guide for therapists treating ADHD-challenged couples), and you really gave me a boost!
Here’s how the book club will work (and no, it hasn’t started yet):
1. I will post an essay on the first chapter, from my friend who will be doing all the writing.
2. Readers chime in with their own reactions to that chapter.
3. Every two weeks, we’ll do another chapter. (Or maybe every week. Not sure).
Stay tuned, and I hope you’ll join us!
g
Hi, I’m late diagnosis ADHD at 55 and Autism spectrum at 68. High functioning RN, BSN, MA CLNC USAF and semi non-problematic till I got injured, disabled and quit working. I’ve been reading everything I can find-found this while scrolling.
Thanks so much, really helpful. Working with great therapist now to restructure my next chapter of life.
Recognize that my son has issues/challenges. Will be gently helping him with his struggles.
Hi Paula,
Welcome aboard the roller coaster!
best,
Gina
I hope this group is better than the Yahoo groups. They became overwhelming for me, it was hard to deal with so much information coming from every direction. Coping with ADHD fast paced mind is hard enough to in addition have to read so much about so many topics. Lets say reading is not my strength. So many people were looking for answer in the Yahoo groups, I don’t know how can someone handle it. Going by the book chapter may have a less complicated background. I’m willing to give this a try.
I know what you mean, Veronica. There is an overwhelming amount of information about ADHD on the web now, and it takes a lot of energy and “brain muscle” to wade through it.
My aim with the posts is to present a “curated” group, to make it worth the investment of reading.
I also moderate comments to the post, so there won’t be any nonsense there (ads, spam, anti-psychiatry wingnuttery, etc.).
Thanks!
g
Hi Gina,
This sounds interesting and I’m looking forward to reading your friends ’emails’ (?) about your book and others comments as well..
As I understand you or Taylor will be sending us/me weekly discussions that we can join in on..
Do I need to do anything else?
I have your book and have read it. As a matter of fact I have come to a talk you gave in SF and also met you at the ADHD conference in SF when I blurted something idiotic out to you in passing while looking desperately for the restroom :” Gina its you! It’s me! And I really have to Pee!” You looked kind of askance and I fled to the restroom..!
In any case in looking forward to the online book group!
Thanks for doing this,
Lara
LOL!! Lara, I’m not sure if I understood you when you said “Gina, it’s you! It’s me! And I really have to pee!” If I did, I would have laughed.
To clarify, here is how it will work: I will post a short essay from Taylor, which incorporates the perspectives of several adults with ADHD and their partners. Blog readers can then add their comments.
It won’t be a “real-time” chat (I find chats so annoying!), but a blog post and comments. Simpler. Cleaner. Read when you can; comment when you can. It’ll always be open. 😉
tx
g
P.S. Lara, you don’t need to do anything else. Just subscribe to the blog.