How can medication help ADHD relationships? Simply put, it can help reduce all the ADHD symptoms that challenge every aspect of life, including domestic life and relationships.
Most people fail to realize how much ADHD couple conflict can be improved not with therapy or coaching—but with medication. (Optimizing medication? That’s covered in Course 2 of my online training.)
Sure, education is critical for both partners. For many, however, medication is the lasting game-changer. It lays the foundation that enables everything else.
For example, the ADHD Partner often becomes:
- Better able to listen and remember
- More careful with spending and driving
- Better able to feel and act with empathy
- More reliable in all ways—from taking care of the children to keeping a job to being where they’ve promised to be at the promised time
- Happier and less frustrated in every aspect of life
In This Post: A Personal Perspective
In this post, we examine one person’s perspective on how medication help ADHD relationships. That person has late-diagnosis ADHD and her husband has late-diagnosis ADHD. Her story puts to rest Internet chatter that ADHD relationships are all about ADHD vs. Non-ADHD. (Or, more recently, Neurodiverse vs. Neurotypical.) Snappy slogans—but dangerously simplistic.
With this installment in the You Me ADHD book club, Taylor J. passes the baton to Jaclyn Paul. Check out her blog (one of my favorites) at the end of this post.
It is my extreme fortune to have two smart female friends who are good writers—and in dual-ADHD marriages. They have children with ADHD, too! And parents!
There is nothing cookie-cutter about individuals with ADHD or their partners. Jaclyn and Taylor—and their husbands—drive home that point.
In this post, Jaclyn shares her personal insights about my first book’s Chapters 20-22, which comprise Success Strategy #4: Understanding Medication’s Role. We welcome you to join in the discussion with a comment below.
—Gina Pera
By Jaclyn Paul
Jaclyn PaulMy hoodie was driving me crazy. One of the seams itched so badly, I struggled to get breakfast ready for my family.
This had been my go-to hoodie for years. There wasn’t even a tag near the itchy spot, and I couldn’t feel anything when I ran my hand along the seam.
I got breakfast on the table, eventually took my ADHD medication, and forgot about the whole thing.
Around 2:00 that afternoon, it struck again.
Then I made the connection: My morning dose of Ritalin was fading. Sure enough, the itching disappeared shortly after I took my afternoon dose.
I don’t generally describe myself as an itchy person. Maybe I should.
Even after taking stimulant medication for years, this surprised me. I’m sharing it with you to illustrate just how far-reaching the effects of these medications can be. It takes years to learn just how much it’s helping.
But Gina didn’t ask me to talk to you about itching, at least not for its own sake. We’re here to talk about relationships. And ADHD. And how stimulant medication fits into that equation. Specifically: How Can Medication Help ADHD Relationships?
My Journey Started with Gina’s Book
I know a little about all these things—itchy seams, ADHD medications, and ADHD’s potential impact on relationships.
My husband and I both have ADHD, though the manifestations differ greatly between us. We both take stimulant medication, though it helps (and fails to help) us in very different ways. Despite reading and writing about ADHD almost every day, I have a lot to learn.
This journey all started with Gina’s first book, Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has A.D.D.
For some reason, stimulant medications remain a divisive issue in the public’s mind. I’m appalled by the amount of skepticism, conspiracy theories, misinformation, and plain old lack of information out there.
If you want to know how stimulant medications could affect your marriage, don’t skip this chapter in the book. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and your marriage to be educated. (No, you can’t always count on your doctor.)
That’s not to say meds offer a magic solution. They don’t. They build the capacity to set up coping systems. They can alter our perceptions of time and ourselves, helping us establish a new baseline for “normal” feelings and behavior. Meds helped me learn to recognize when something feels wrong.
Not only that, but my husband and I also discovered a lot of surprises along the way: hidden symptoms we had no idea were related to ADHD.
Here’s what we’ve learned on our journey.
Surprise! It’s ADHD!
I sought out an evaluation for ADHD at two points in my life—in my late teens and again in my mid-20s—each time because I felt like my life was falling apart.
The first time, I was (irrationally) afraid to try medication. A close friend’s bad experience with antidepressants had spooked me about psych meds. The second time, I was desperate.
My husband sought out the evaluation (and medication) for ADHD because I tricked him into reading Gina’s book.
Both of us were surprised to discover the way meds could—and could not—bring about sweeping changes in our lives and our relationship.
Time In Mind: ADHD Medication Kicks In
For starters, my perception of time as it related to emotional states completely changed. I had a bad week at work and was blown away by the realization that it was just a week. A new one would begin on Monday! I no longer existed in one of two extremes: permanently fantastic or permanently awful.
In the months before I began taking stimulant medication, I described my status quo as “anxiety and panic mixed with persistent lethargy.”
On my first day with meds, I recorded in my journal: “internally, everything went quiet.”
I began setting up coping systems to put my life back together. I marveled at simple things, like how I could watch my husband unravel a tangled ball of yarn without yelling or grabbing it from his hands.
I could finally imagine getting my head above water.
That Inappropriate, Involuntary Smile
When I asked my husband about any surprising effects of stimulant medication, he said something really interesting:
I‘ve always had this odd tendency to involuntarily smile when I’ve made someone very upset with me.
While most of my consciousness would be seriously invested in the conversation, some other corner of my consciousness seemed to just be cruelly amused that I had moved someone to tears. And for some reason, that corner of my consciousness seemed to get full control of my facial muscles.
That behavior always horrified and shamed me, but I also knew it wasn’t really me.
Anyway, I was thrilled to discover that during the times of day when my medication is still effective, that involuntary smiling thing doesn’t happen.
Wow, Right?
He also used to make a sport of riling me up in front of a group of people. He’d say something embarrassing, critical, or otherwise inflammatory to spark a dramatic reaction. (My own ADHD didn’t do me any favors here). Medication almost completely removes that.
The medication also revealed how seldom his urge to eat was motivated by hunger, as opposed to “dopamine issues.” An afternoon snack habit at work had caused him to put on 20-30 pounds post-college. Now he’s back to his high school weight. But on days when he doesn’t take his Vyvanse—or in the evenings, when it’s worn off—watch out!
Limitations: Of Ourselves, Our Meds
Stimulants don’t give us superhuman powers or magically endow us with new skills. They have made it possible for me to develop those skills, but I still have my limits.
We can only focus on a few problem areas at once. Gina mentions this, and it’s something worth dwelling on for a moment.
If you’re the ADHD partner, ask yourself:
- What are your treatment goals?
- What do you want to improve about yourself and your life?
- What are your partner’s goals for you?
- What about your behavior and your relationship does he or she want to change?
If you’re the partner of the adult with ADHD, ask yourself the same questions
The result is a Venn diagram: a critical issue to one partner may not even be on the other person’s radar.
For example, I think my husband’s work schedule is a major problem. I worry about his safety driving home because he works such long hours. He agrees in theory, but also admits: “If I’m being honest with myself, it’s the way I like to work.” Until something makes it not worth it (or not possible), his motivation to change will remain low.
While almost all of my treatment goals center around productivity and personal achievement, my husband wishes I could relax and take it easier on myself.
Fortunately, we both agree that treating others well should be a top priority.
My husband writes:
There was a part in Gina’s book where she mentioned that ADHD’ers have a tendency to antagonize others just for the novelty.
I recognized that behavior in myself immediately, and it brought me to tears as I finally accepted that I had ADHD and that I’d been the cause of so many arguments in so many relationships.
I resolved that if nothing else, I had to try to fix that.
I’m not a button-pusher, but I do have a temper and a bad habit of interrupting. Medication can widen the gap between stimulus and response for me. My words still get me into trouble, but I at least have a fighting chance of choosing what comes out of my mouth.
Prepare to Troubleshoot
ADHD is a neurobiological condition that impairs self-awareness and self-perception. In other words, when you’re in it, you can’t always see it.
My husband and I live with each other every day, parent a child together, and share each other’s successes or failures in life. We need to look out for each other.
To that end, we try to remain objective and open to feedback when something’s not right. “Did you take your meds yet today?” can be a very practical question, in the right context. We try to be mindful of the timing of high-stakes conversations to avoid dealing with meds-free arguments.
It’s not perfect, but we’re on the same team, and that’s what counts.
Discuss: How Can Medication Help ADHD Relationships??
- Do you or your partner take medication for your ADHD? Has doing so improved your relationship?
- What symptoms is the medication alleviating the most?
- In what areas do you wish meds could help more?
We’d love to hear your experiences on how ADHD has affected your life and your relationship—in a “single ADHD” or “dual-ADHD” relationship. Can you explain how medication helped your ADHD relationship? Please share a comment below.
Creating Order from Chaos: Jaclyn’s New Book!
Jaclyn Paul has written a truly wonderful book on ADHD and organization. You can read more about it here: Creating Order from Chaos
Also visit her beautiful blog: The ADHD Homestead.
Other You Me ADHD Book Club Posts
Visit this category of blog posts to read other first-person essays from Taylor J. and Jaclyn: You Me ADHD Book Club
The paperback book and ebook are available at many outlets in North America and internationally, including Amazon: Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
For more outlets and offerings, visit Find Adult ADHD Books and Courses by Gina Pera
— Gina Pera
An earlier version of this post appeared in 2016.
my question is when one gets treatment and the other does not, but uses other thing to self medicate. how do you tell this person without hurting feelings to get help. my life
Hi Kim,
I appreciate the sensitivity of the situation.
One thing’s for sure: Telling an ADHD Partner “go get help” seldom ends well.
For a variety of reasons.
Sometimes it’s not so much “rejection” of or “resistance” to treatment as not knowing where to begin and then deciding it’s not worth bothering with.
That’s why it’s sometimes best to take a team approach:
https://adhdrollercoaster.org/book-club/chapter-12-solving-adhds-double-whammy/
Using other things to self-medicate….typically means abusing substances. That seldom ends well, either.
I’d worry less about hurting feelings and more about the impact this behavior has on you and your partner.
Sometimes the straightforward approach is best.
good luck
Gina
Hi Gina,
This is a great post!! Leave it to you to come up with this original angle. I appreciate that the writer, Jaclyn, has ADHD and her husband has ADHD, too. That’s an invaluable “360-degrees” perspective.
Keep up the great work! My wife and I are loving your course.
Hi Glen,
Thanks! I appreciate the positive feedback!
Gina
Thank you, this article seems to be a bit old but I am very glad I just found it. I only started Ritalin this week but what you wrote gives me hope for my messy relationship. I honestly feel already a slight benefit, because I can pull myself away from the hyper-fixation on my relationship, kind of similarly when you have just been on a good vacation and feel more calm about your real life problems.
Will definitely check out the book 🙂
Gina,
I apologize if am wrong here. But, I double and triple checked and the last comment is dated December 2018 ( I read them all) .
I communicated my disappointment and not tried to accuse or repay.
I’m psychologist myself and from professional standpoint your response amazes me in a bad way.
Anyway, I understand that neither my perspective nor my opinions are not welcome here and won’t be bothering you anymore.
Well, Anna, I have to say that your behavior here, as a psychologist, does not impress me.
The evidence is right here in black and white.
You “tried not to accuse”?
This is what you wrote:
It’s shocking though to NOT be able to see my comment. Looks like I hold NOT popular opinion that is “ moderated out “ here.
What can I say?
Your site – your rules.
But surprising and invalidating – it surely is.
Your comments have been immediately approved and have been there for all the world to see.
I have no idea why you are not seeing them. Perhaps you are not looking thoroughly.
I don’t tolerate rudeness and slander, including accusing me of censoring comments. As a psychologist, you should understand the meaning of boundaries and integrity.
g
Hi Anna
Know this post is old but wanted to tell my story
Diagnosed with aDHD in my forties a few years ago after a very traumatic experience at a new job caused me to go off rails migraine with impulse control memory lapses the works
Forward to last year and working at home with COVID I did what I hear can be typical and stopped my dex as thought I was coping ok and was too hard it seemed to see my psych with COVID restrictions. It obvious now it was due to the dex that I was coping well
Being home and isolated and separated at time meant worked longer hours as I wasn’t either no focused or hyper focused which then lead to late nights and slojwly but surely addiction to social media and then porn and so many wasted nights
Making many impulsive decisions that I can’t even recall doing like it was automatic and worst of cheated with an ex who I stupidly let back in when I wasn’t thinking at all
This meandered forever as I think I felt guilt towards her in our past but was no longer physical just via messaging and don’t even have her phone number
Fast forward to last month and I have been home with my wife and happy but still fighting these addictions and still messaging the ex
Can’t get head around it as it was like I was auto replying to her as I barely recall anything
Tries to escape the addictions by playing video games etc but was also becoming more impulsive in my reactions to my wife and struggling to focus on important conversations etc
It came to a head when she said I need help and then soon after she found my old phone with all its history on it so kicked me out
Finally saw my psychiatrist and told him my story and he explained how my adhd had impacted my ability to control my impulsive behaviour and seeking that dopamine rush
Back on dex and the immediate difference already is stark – having counselling too which I also gave up on – I in past kept putting things off due to anxiety of talking to psych and even feeling rejected by my psychologist even though she was only trying to find me someone with more adhd experience
I can’t believe I did this and no way I would have done so with a sound mind ad love my wife
I hope it’s not too late and I can re earn my wife’s trust but for now she isn’t talking to me and even though she knows about my adhd not sure she will accept it – I don’t excuse my Behaviour and know how I have betrayed and hurt her and our family so and also reading lots and completing a course to understand better how she is feeling and how I can help her too
We haven’t done any counselling ever together and I need her to understand more at least for our families sake
I want to re earn her trust and forgiveness if she will let me but don’t know how to start that conversation even
Long story sorry
The summary I want to give is
Don’t be afraid to go on medication and we are the wrong ones to decide if and when to go off them
Thank you, Ash, for delivering that message, with details.
I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way.
By the way, no post is “old” on my blog. I write them to be “evergreen.” These issues don’t change over time. They are just re-discovered. 🙂
I hope that you and your wife can work things out — and commit to working as a team on ADHD strategies, including medication monitoring.
Prescribers should be routinely including the spouse or another loved one. It’s largely malpractice that they don’t.
I urge you and your wife to consider my online training, launching now. It is the most accurate, expert, and comprehensive training you will find.
https://ADHDSuccessTraining.org
best to you,
g
Gina, thank you for the reply and I will surely check the book.
It’s shocking though to NOT be able to see my comment. Looks like I hold NOT popular opinion that is “ moderated out “ here.
What can I say?
Your site – your rules.
But surprising and invalidating – it surely is.
Anna, you are jumping to false conclusions and accusing me of censorship.
As clearly noted, comments are held for moderation.
Your comment was posted, and I responded (you saw that, obviously).
Just because you cannot find the comment, that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Perhaps you want to get your facts straight before making accusations. You just might be making a mistake.
Gina
I do not think meds are necessarily a good thing. In my experience they made my husband focus even more on what he WANTS to do ( not what needs to be done 🙁 ) , they made him extra intense and resstless. Because of that he would hear the rest of the world ( spouses) ev Ed n less or not at all. When meds wear off he himself is exhausted from that intensity and irritable/ snappy / lack emotional control even more.
I can compare him on meds to him before and can SURELY tell that MEDS made things for me and between us A LOT WORSE. They totally ruined the remains of communication I was working so hard to maintain. I hate meds:(
Hi Anna,
“Meds” covers a huge amount of territory. One person’s experience is just that. To learn how and why medication is helpful for most people with ADHD, we have hundreds of published papers.
Many (if not most) adults with ADHD receive poor medical treatment. Their prescribers follow no protocol at all. They just wing it—or follow their misunderstanding of meta-analyses. That’s why too many people conclude, “I hate meds.”
That’s one reason I do what I do: because we cannot count on the professionals.
If you or he are interested in giving medication another try, I refer you to my first book’s chapters on medication:
https://amzn.to/2N44BjX
Thanks for writing.
Gina
It’s been rough and a blessing. I have ADHD-PI. The meds helped heaps and mostly lifted the fog. My partner doesn’t have ADHD, but I suspect she does. She says it’s depression, but there’s plenty of ADHD signs. I have a harder time spending time with her and that we are on different pages. I think our mental illnesses meshed well before I got treatment. Her personality and mine worked well while I was in a perpetual fog, but I can’t feel the same way now. I’m trying to make it work, but I don’t think it will. I feel awful because I made a bunch of promises and told her I love her, but I just don’t feel it the same anymore. She’s the sweetest, most kind girl I’ve ever known, but I just don’t think I can keep it up. Something is missing now, and I want to find it.
Hi JD,
Yes, what you describe is a familiar scenario…when the person with ADHD “comes out of the fog” and starts viewing the relationship with better clarity.
Couples can often work through this, but sometimes it’s just no longer workable. Things that you didn’t notice before (or didn’t care about) suddenly come in focus.
If you’ve suggested that your partner seek an evaluation for ADHD and she says it’s depression, maybe it is depression or maybe it is ADHD. But the ball is in her court now.
I’ve seen some of the “sweetest, kindest” people wreak devastation due to their disorganization, lack of seeing consequences, etc. It’s sometimes easy to be sweet and kind when life is lived moment by moment, with no thought toward the future and what must happen now in order to secure that future.
I’ve also seen dual-ADHD couples’ over-toleration of each other’s habits end them in bankruptcy and homelessness.
Good luck,
g
I began medication about two weeks ago. My psychiatrist is titrating my dose and I’ll start the higher dose at the end of the week. What’s fascinating (and I come from a scholarly background, so these kinds of things DO fascinate me) is that when the medicine (which is supposed to be all day/long lasting) wears off for the day, I’m made very, very aware of my combined ADHD symptoms–everything from focus, mood, irritability, eating habits, follow-through. I used to think I was pretty aware of my symptoms, but I wasn’t aware of the scope of influence ADHD had over my entire life.
While I’m looking forward to having all day/better coverage on my meds, I’m actually kind of glad that I have had the opportunity to experience a day in which I can be aware of being both in control and out of control with my ADHD symptoms. And it definitely validates my decision to go on meds in the first place.
Hi Allison,
That’s a very good point. When you are in that “transition” between medicated and not, the differences are more clearly observable.
Sometimes a person just starting with Rx will have great clarity about the benefits medication brings. I will urge that person to “write it down—so you remember the difference.” Invariably, folks think I’m being silly, of course they’ll remember.
But of course, many do not. Then a few weeks later, they’ll be convinced the medication has stopped working when in fact the novelty of the medication working has simply worn off. 😉
g
My DH takes medication for ADHD. He takes it mainly to improve his work performance. However, he works long hours and by the time he gets home, it has mostly worn off and I never know who is going to walk through the door at the end of the day.
He also got this idea that he doesn’t have to take it every day (doctors are still telling adults with ADHD that they can take medication breaks!!!), so he often doesn’t take it on the weekends. It makes him difficult to live with because he is constantly talking or playing video games or picking fights.
His self-awareness and self-perception is still very poor, so I have a feeling he is not able to tell his psychiatrist the whole truth. I will be joining him at an appointment soon!
Hi Deb,
The goal of medication is to live a more well-balanced life.
If your husband is working long hours because he is inefficient — because he is relying solely on the “performance” power of the stimulant and not learning new organizational strategies — that’s a problem.
His psychiatrist should be asking for your input. It should be conditional to treatment.
I know this can be a tricky area to navigate with some ADHD partners. Keep working at it!
g
I’m still new to this. I’m not lucky as some of you discovered adhd in early stage.
I’m a 42 years old mother I’ve just diagnosed in Feb this year with my partners encouragement and I finally found out what’s wrong with me. I was not surprised after diagnosed but feel overwhelmed and upset after I watched Professor Russell Barkly’s presentations on YouTube.
Because if I know that I have ADHD-PI earlier I would have different life. I’m on the stage experiencing different drugs. It’s hard and I am just sooooooooo exhausted and he is frustrated too.
I thought after found out the problem and just need to find correct method to fix it and this is take longer time than we thought. In two month time I had dexamphatamine, ratlin, Vyvsane 50, vyvanse 70 and seems like I have to go back to dexamphatamine again cause this is the only one works for me so far but it’s not stable plus not lasting long and both work and home environment needs me to be concentrating all the time and I might have to take 12 of them every day!
It’s scary! And I’m living in the fear of my son have 30-40% of chance to have adhd because of me and he is only 3 years old. I don’t know how long my partner will tolerate this ups and downs, in and out Doc’s office.
If I lost his support and I will have no one to rely on and he will definitely take away my only son from me. Often I’m wondering what if I found out earlier or I dont have ADHD then would my life will be just as normal as others ?
Hi Theresa,
I wish everyone with ADHD was diagnosed earlier in life. But the fact is, only 1 in 10 adults with ADHD in the U.S. is diagnosed. The rest, not.
And even those diagnosed are typically getting inferior treatment.
I bet dollars to doughnuts that your physician is not following any kind of meaningful method. And I bet any co-existing conditions are not being assessed.
Sometimes you will need a second dose of the stimulant. Sometimes, a low dose of Strattera (25-40 mg) will be a good companion to the stimulant, providing a 24-7 background focus and help with mood….a “soft landing” when the stimulant wears off.
PLEASE read my book’s chapters on medication. Give a copy to your doc. Don’t let the doc just “throw spaghetti on the wall”.
Here is the link:
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder
by Gina Pera et al.
Link: http://amzn.com/0981548709
Good luck!
g
You explained everything so well about adult ADHD…
I have suffered with ADHD since I was in elementary school..when I was young back in the early 80S I took a state test and made a design out of the test but little did I know that would say I was borderline retarded..then I got placed later into LD classes but excelled in those classes..my mom still refused to put me on meds..
I suffered many years with anger and so on..finally in college Got on retlin…which helped out a great deal..then a Dr said ritlin is for kids you need cylert..took this for many years..I hear this drug off the market..I hated this drug cylert..then I went through a series of antidepressants in which made me crazy for some reason..then I was put on Stratera in which only helped out some.I had 2 kids then my Dr put me on Stratera which was not solving my problems..then kept adding other anti anxity drugs..
I finally went to another physician and she put me on a stimulant..omg the big diffrence..I don’t get angry fast I can keep my calm..I can focus..I don’t interupt people when they are talking I can handle noises..I’m not edgy and most of all I can sleep..I can sleep..on the other drugs I could not sleep.
All I’m saying is Dr seem to not like to put adults in a stimulant..but if other non stimulants don’t work talk to your Dr..ADHD is real illness.that needs to be cared for with the right medication..
Dear Heather,
Thank you so much for your comment. Would you believe 10 subscribers dropped out in response to this post? I guess some people aren’t ready to face some hard truths.
And look at you….how much you endured due to medical and public ignorance. How you endured, and kept looking for answers….your perseverance is awe-inspiring. And it’s people such as you that I write for. So they find answers, and a better life.
Thank you. Thank you.
g
DH takes methylphenidate and an anxiety med.
The symptoms most alleviated, IMHO, are his rages, his ability to have more insight into himself and he’s much better at being able to get out of the house without taking half of his possessions with him.
I wish it would help more with him being able to track time, his memory issues and his inability to get himself to do chores or exercise.
Hi Penny,
Those latter issues (tracking time, chores, exercise) will require more environmentally focused strategies. Meaning, outside help in the form of, for example, an exercise class where he is responsible solely for getting himself there and the teacher does the rest. Or, a team effort in targeting chores and scheduling.
good luck!
I love this! (Though perhaps I am biased because I love everything Jaclyn writes.)
I haven’t taken stimulant medication in years. When I was young I disliked how I felt on it.
But when I read this…I feel like the meds might help me get on top of my life, my marriage, parenting.
I’m gonna share this with my husband and see what he thinks.
Hi Liz,
Definitely. I encourage you to consider a trial. The modern formulations are so much smoother, with less jagged ups and downs.
Years ago, I think they used to give too-high dosages as well. Maybe that’s what you didn’t like.
The sad truth is that even today, many children with ADHD are not helped in adjusting to the perceptual changes that medication can bring, even if they are “positive.” It’s a big deal, to suddenly see the mess that is one’s room—and not know what to do about it. That’s just one example. There are many more.
Good luck!
g