Maybe you’ve heard that people with ADHD are “creative” or “risk-taking” or “extroverted.” The truth is, people with ADHD are individuals.
Yes, the estimated 10 to 20 million of these adults in the U.S. alone have distinct personalities, talents, backgrounds, and attitudes. And, like everyone else, they don’t fit neatly into a box.
Still, there’s one thing adults with ADHD do have in common: a syndrome that manifests very differently across the spectrum, depending on which traits predominate.
That’s why if you rely on shaky stereotypes about Adult ADHD, you might never see the Big Picture.
Instead, you’ll see only caricatures, not people with a complex condition that closely resembles the human condition writ large. More important, you’ll miss the fact that someone you love might have it.
Let’s Start with ADHD Symptoms
To gain a clearer snapshot of ADHD , let’s begin by considering its symptoms, adapted in the chart below for the ADHD Partner Survey. (Note: You don’t need all the symptoms to qualify for the diagnosis, just a certain number and to a degree that causes impairment in life.)
From this symptom list, ADHD Partner Survey respondents were asked to select behaviors that their ADHD partners displayed more frequently or strongly than most people their age. (That’s because you don’t expect a 22-year-old to have the same maturity as a 50-year-old.)
Selections are ranked from the most commonly reported to the least. As you can see, these are the top vote getters:
- Distractibility—Being easily diverted from the intended focus of attention
- Disorganization—Losing track of time, items, and the order in which tasks should be done
- Poor sustained attention—Difficulty initiating and/or finishing tasks
- Forgetfulness—“Blanking” on everything from small tasks to important obligations to entire conversations
- Restlessness—Feeling “on the go” mentally or physically
- Poor listening skills—Hearing only half of what is said or mishearing huge chunks of it
If you don’t recognize in this chart your ADHD partner’s biggest hot spot (could it be irritability, poor sleep habits, low self-esteem, or spending impulsively?), don’t worry; we’re just getting started. There’s plenty more to understanding how cut-and-dried symptoms come to life and take shape in real people.
Next time: Survey respondents tell us their preconceptions about ADHD—before they learned the facts.
I can’t wait for your book. Thank you for your insight, your wisdom, your research and your talent!!!
I’m going to buy two copies — one for me and one for our couple’s therapist!
What I thought was an attractive playfulness which was missing in other men in my age group became a total lack of responsibility as I advanced into our relationship and came to realize he had ADD. As I did my research, I became more aware of the signs of this disorder and the far more serious side effects than just “forgetting where the keys are.” I trust this soon to be released book will save others the time I spent wondering what was wrong with me! Now my mantra is “it’s not me, it’s not me” – it’s ADD.
I have been with my husband for 27 years, and we dated for 8 years before that. This guy is “all of the above”. He is incredibly distractible, loving, messy, playful, daydreamer, intensely interested and obsessive regarding his field (thank goodness!) doesn’t maintain anything we own, breaks stuff all the time, makes quite a but of money but is also an impulsive spender, is a charismatic leader but loses his paperwork, keys, etc all the time, thinks outside of the box, doesn’t have a clue where the scissors are kept. I could go on and on. He’s a terrific dad but kind of doesn’t think safety is all that important (or has a different standard than I do). I always thought he was a bit weird but lovable, cute, sexy, but said the “wrong thing” at the “wrong time” and a lot of people are nervous around him, like my daughters’ boyfriends. Most people think he is so wonderful though.
This sort of person is not easy to live with. Someone has to make sure the cars get serviced and the lawn gets mowed, pay the bills, you know, the tedious work that this type can’t bear to do, or finish. We are late everywhere.
If you marry a person like this, I can vouch for 2 things- you could be very lucky as well as in for some extra work!
oh yes, they can be extremely lovable, distractable, playful and all of the other weird but cute, sexy and fun things until… you get tired of the nutty professor bit and want a partner who can share in a conversation about dealing with day to day “stuff” oh and live the day to day stuff without suddenly losing their notorious sense of humor when(in my opinon) they need it the most and do a complete one sixty on you and make you out to be the biggest jerk who ever crossed their path(spit,spit). He would like to be a dad – but just not yet… He is 44, I am 38… this has been my life for the last 13 years, I wish he had been diagnosed by his parents and treated as a child, instead of having to go through life struggling without answers, but I belive it runs in his family(major constant drama!-huge) ugh.
Thank goodness for the on-line support group I found out of blind desperation not even knowing that adults could have add. It has been a huge education and hopefully more people learn of this and can work towards understanding and treatment of ADHD in adults.
best wishes everyone-
Im wondering if there are any single mothers out there who has ADHD and is also raising a house full of ADHD? Is it just me who struggles everyday to follow through on everything and anything. Discipline is the worst for me! You’re grounded! yet tomm I have no idea I grounded you. When asked to go outside, Im distracted with work or schoolwork and respond with a yes. Not even realizing again I didnt follow through.
Hi Dani,
Yes, I think there are many single mothers with ADHD who also have children with ADHD. And yes, I agree that many are doubly challenged.
You are expected to provide solid structure for children who have challenges with creating structure – yet you share their challenges!
Many manage to do it, though, and they do it by maximizing ADHD treatment strategies. That means, for many, medication, healthy diet, sleep, and “externalizing” strategies wherever possible. That means lists of rules posted where all can see, charts for household chores, routines, etc.
Good luck!
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I loved your video on totally ADD. I have just had to give my partner notice to vacate after he entered yet another courtroomand promised someone something that would have meant our home would be held hostage two nights a week by people frequently incarcerated and untreated. First he said he planned it, then later said he regretted it and later still said he had lost interest in what everyone was saying in the courtroom and did not know what he agreed to. I love this guy but I am exhausted and I know he loves me but why does he not run for treatment? His life has been one mess after another!
Hi Judy,
That’s wise of you to limit your financial entanglement, it sounds like. Imagine going into a courtroom with those kinds of stakes and not paying attention. That’s just too risky.
Why does he not run for treatment, you ask? Because he might not be paying attention to his ADHD-related deficits?
Please look out for yourself.
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Academic difficulties are also frequent. The symptoms are especially difficult to define because it is hard to draw a line at where normal levels of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity end and clinically significant levels requiring intervention begin. To be diagnosed with ADHD, symptoms must be observed in two different settings for six months or more and to a degree that is greater than other children of the same age.