A newly published paper reinforces my research findings 20 years ago: That is, living with a partner’s poorly managed ADHD can create stress that damages your health — mental and physical.
This research attention is better late than never! But first….
Flashback to 2004: No One Talking About It
When I launched the ADHD Partner Survey. in 2004, I found almost no public conversation about how a partner’s untreated ADHD could affect the mental and physical health of their loved ones.
Even academic research and conference presentation topics on ADHD still mostly focused on school children. They barely acknowledged adults with ADHD, much less the potential for collateral effects on intimate relationships. That includes partners, children, siblings, and parents.
(My first presentation at CHADD, in 2008, was one of the first on Adult ADHD, much less touching upon relationships!)
Thousands of Partners, One Overlooked Story
Yet the stories poured in to my groups and email in-box. Thousands of detailed, often anguished accounts came from partners struggling to make sense of the emotional chaos in their homes. The partner stress was overwhelming and unrelenting. Wanting more details, I asked about this in the ADHD Partner Survey, completed in 2006 but today as relevant as ever.
Adult ADHD Survey Began the Conversation
Those early findings became a centerpiece of my first book, Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? About one-third of the book documented not only the hidden toll of Adult ADHD but also how poor coping strategies could slowly, sometimes invisibly, devastate partners’ well-being. Mentally. Physically. Financially.
New Research, Same Conclusion—But With Urgency
Now, nearly two decades later, research from the Journal of Attention Disorders (April 2025) has validated these observations with new data — and new urgency. The study, titled “Depressive Symptoms and Quality of Life Among Women Living With a Partner With ADHD,” offers the clearest scientific confirmation yet: Living with an untreated or poorly managed ADHD partner often leads to significant mental health declines for the non-ADHD partner.
Unfortunately, this study focused on the female partners of men with ADHD. My ADHD Partner Survey included male respondents with female ADHD partners as well as several same-sex couples male and female.
Of Course The ADHD Partners Suffer, Too
If you’re new to my work, it might not be obvious to you. Absolutely, adults with unrecognized, undiagnosed, or poorly managed ADHD often suffer greatly themselves — facing chronic frustration, underachievement, and emotional pain. Yet their struggles have long been acknowledged.
Again, public and academic conversations around Adult ADHD have centered almost entirely on their difficulties. Yet the collateral damage experienced by their partners remained largely invisible.
Partners were often expected to bear the burden quietly, with little validation, understanding, or help. Their suffering was — and too often still is — overlooked, minimized, or misattributed. In fact, they are often blamed for being unsympathetic, for not “understanding ADHD”, and being “unwilling to accommodate.”
Don’t you agree? It’s past time that we recognize that supporting adults with ADHD also requires recognizing and addressing the profound toll their untreated symptoms can take on the people closest to them. No couple can thrive when one is bearing all the burden of keeping life and the relationship “on track.” These couples need help in developing strategies and habits to better equalize responsibilities.
Findings from New Study On “Partners Of”:
Researchers assessed the mental health of women living with male partners diagnosed with ADHD. Their findings were stark:
- Women partnered with men with ADHD reported significantly higher rates of depressive symptoms compared to women whose partners did not have ADHD.
- These women also reported lower overall quality of life, spanning emotional, psychological, and functional domains.
- The findings held strong even after controlling for variables like socioeconomic status and co-occurring conditions.
In short, the study confirms what many partners already know: The daily stress of living with unrecognized, untreated, or poorly managed ADHD can quietly—and powerfully—undermine your emotional and physical health.
Study’s Conclusions:
The authors note these conclusions:
The findings suggest that women partnered with individuals diagnosed with ADHD may face an elevated risk of depressive symptoms and lowered QoL. The results highlight the potential need for a more comprehensive clinical approach to adult ADHD treatment that considers functional impairments and the experiences of partners. Incorporating HPA into therapeutic strategies appears beneficial. However, longitudinal research is needed to examine the direction of these associations and to develop potential interventions to support these women.
Read the Full Paper:
You can read the full paper here: Depressive Symptoms and Quality of Life Among Women Living With a Partner Diagnosed With ADHD
Echoes of ADHD Partner Survey (2004–2006)
These new findings align closely with the results of my ADHD Partner Survey from 20 years ago.
ADHD Partner Survey participants reported a range of serious mental health challenges that either developed or worsened during their relationship with an ADHD partner — not before. Here’s a snapshot of those results:
As the chart shows, many respondents who had never significantly suffered from issues like chronic anxiety, depression, or sleep problems prior to the relationships did begin to experience these challenges only during the relationship. Notably:
- Chronic anxiety or restlessness and chronic depression were two of the most commonly reported issues arising during the relationship.
- Confusion and inability to think clearly were extremely prevalent, affecting partners’ ability to function day-to-day.
- Low confidence or self-esteem often emerged after months or years of living in emotionally unpredictable, destabilizing environments.
These findings were a wake-up call then. Too often, the “other partner’s” depression and anxiety made them the “identified patient”—a depressed/anxious wretch that their put-upon ADHD Partners had to live with. Today, these findings should be impossible to ignore.
How ADHD Symptoms Drive Partner Stress — and Illness
As detailed in Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?, untreated ADHD symptoms can set partners onto a destructive path without their even realizing it. Let’s call it the Triple Whammy ADHD Roller Coaster.
Consider this excerpt:
As the poor coping strategies continue unabated and losses intensify, tension and anxiety can start feeling like a mind-numbing fever. Remember: You don’t ‘graduate’ after each of the ADHD Roller Coaster’s three plunges. In fact, until you realize what is happening, the ride may run endlessly, around and around, down and down.
Moreover, if your ADHD partner’s behaviors grow more challenging over time, as often happens, your stress responses might intensify as well, ultimately resulting in your physical or mental illness.
The problem is cumulative
At first, the chaos may seem manageable — frustrating, even exhausting, but temporary. Over time, however, the unresolved strains mount, leading many partners into what I called the “Third Plunge” of the ADHD Roller Coaster:
If you find yourself developing a parallel disorder—physical or emotional—consider yourself well into the Third Plunge. … You risk:
- Developing physical reactions to stress, such as fibromyalgia, gastrointestinal disorders, migraines, and ‘brain fog.’
- Succumbing to depression and anxiety, forgetting what joy feels like—or that it’s possible.
- Down-spiraling into low self-esteem, losing confidence that you can possibly turn this situation around.”
This progression isn’t about weakness. It’s about human physiology. Chronic exposure to unpredictability, conflict, and emotional neglect triggers the body’s stress systems — elevating cortisol, dysregulating sleep, impairing immunity, and wearing down resilience.
Constant low-level stress — and often high-level
Dr. David Edelberg, MD, whose insights I featured in the book, put it plainly:
“If you’re living with a person who exhibits problematic ADHD behavior, then really you’re having a low-level stress response all the time—and frequently a high-level response. … If you go to a doctor because you’re feeling lousy with one of these stress-induced disorders, the doctor will look at tests and say ‘Everything is normal.’ You ask, ‘Why am I feeling so crummy, then?’ and the answer is that you’re having a physiological response to stress. Your symptoms are legitimate.”
Understanding this connection is crucial: You are not “crazy.” You are not “too sensitive.” You are responding to a chronically stressful environment in exactly the way your body is wired to respond.
Why the New Research Matters Now
This new study matters for several critical reasons:
1. It centers on the other partners’ well-being
For too long, conversations about Adult ADHD focused almost exclusively on the person with ADHD — with little regard for how their behavior affects the people closest to them. This study helps reframe the discussion: Partners’ experiences are real, significant, and deserve attention.
2. It validates lived experiences
Many partners suffer in silence, internalizing shame or guilt for “failing” to manage their relationship. Scientific validation can be an enormous relief — the realization that the challenges they face aren’t personal failures, but predictable outcomes of a poorly understood condition.
3. It reinforces need for comprehensive treatment
Treating Adult ADHD must go beyond managing symptoms like distractibility and impulsivity. It must include education about relationship dynamics, training in emotional regulation, accountability for behavior change — and ongoing support for both partners.
Without proper treatment, the cycle of stress and damage continues — often leading to relationship breakdown, emotional collapse, or both.
Hope Lies in Awareness — and Action
The message is clear: Living with untreated ADHD can hurt not just the individual with ADHD but also the people who love them. Yet awareness opens the door to change.
When partners recognize what’s happening, they can:
1. Seek informed therapy
Ideally, find this with providers experienced in Adult ADHD and its relational effects. But until you. understand comprehensive treatment strategies, how can you assess expertise?
2. Set realistic expectations
When we fully understand ADHD-related challenges, we better understand which strategies are most likely to work—and which are doomed to make things worse.
3. Protect their own health
Prioritize self-care, boundaries, and, when necessary, difficult choices about the future of the relationship.
4. Advocate for comprehensive ADHD diagnosis and treatment
This typically includes medication, therapy, coaching, and behavioral strategies.
Seeking ADHD Relationship Help That Works?
If you’ve been silently carrying the emotional, logistical, or even physical fallout of a partner’s poorly managed ADHD, you’re not alone — and you’re not wrong to feel the toll. That’s why I created ADHD Partner Discussion Group in 2004—still going strong. Including an option to meet via Zoom; I facilitate.
That’s also why I created my self-paced training, Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle. It’s designed with partners like you in mind, to help you make sense of what’s happening, reclaim your own well-being, and finally get tools that truly work — not just for your partner, but also for you.
My self-paced training, Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle, is built on everything I’ve learned from decades of working with couples and individuals facing these exact challenges. It’s designed to help you gain clarity, reduce the chaos, and make room for real healing — one solid step at a time.
Final Words: Early Voices Paved the Way
In 2006, when I published the ADHD Partner Survey results, the voices of partners were often met with skepticism — or outright dismissal. Today, those voices have been confirmed by rigorous research. I’ve shared findings on this blog and in my books.
The hope is that this new validation sparks not only compassion, but urgency:
- Urgency to take Adult ADHD seriously
- Urgency to recognize its relational impact
- Urgency to create real pathways for healing — for individuals, for couples, and for families
Because partners deserve not just survival — but also the chance to thrive. And so do their ADHD mates.
I welcome your comments!
—Gina Pera
31 thoughts on “ADHD in Relationships: Other Partners Bear Hidden Burden”
Wow I appreciate this so much thank you . It was hard to explain to my partner the challenges her ADHD brought me and even if I did broach anything near the topic she either hit me with the ” Well you aren’t perfect either” , the ” You don’t think i’m the worst person ever do you ” , or expressed a defeatedness towards ADHD and appealed for more support for me. I loved her nad of course was happy to be there for her but at no point was there acknowledgement or appreciation that not managing her ADHD was choosing to let it harm our relationship. Even when we broke up at the end her words verbatim were ” I don’t want to feel like my ADHD was a reason for challenges in our relationship ” . It was hard not to feel like it was all in my head too she wouldn’t acknowledge it and I felt like a villain for being so frustrated with trying to live in the chaos that was the unmanaged ADHD from her and her family members who also had ADHD . Anyway its nice to know it wasn’t all in my head thank you .
Hi Jonathan,
I’m glad that finding my blog has brought you a degree of relief.
The aspect of “denial” with ADHD is something that most people don’t truly understand. It is complex and variable with each individual. But it comes from both ADHD physiology and psychological defenses.
There’s a reason I devoted three chapters to this topic and my first book. No one had ever written about it and no one has written about it since in anything approaching this comprehensive way.
So if you find yourself needing more answers, check it out.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0981548709/ref=s9_sims_gw_s1_p14_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0Y9XTBJ1CB14HVJ3H570&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846
Take care, Gina
I don’t want to feel that my ADHD was the reason for challenges in our relationship
OMG, Jonathan. This phrase was exactly what caused me to break up with my six decade untreated ADHD brother. He did not *want* to see that his untreated condition caused conflict with everyone in his life, so he refused treatment, because that thought made him feel guilty. So he kept denying that his behaviour had had any role in the conflict and kept demanding that I forgive him and that I had to change.
Gina noted that this denial manifests sometimes as the -Lets call it even. You annoy me, too- deflection. Absolutely maddening. I am much more at peace now that I have severed contact with him. I cannot make him get treatment, but I cannot deal with him untreated. That has not worked for six decades and it is futile.
Ach, Fred, such a vicious cycle. And the deflections….truly can be crazy-making.
g
Reading this article makes me feel so seen and validated! I’ve had your e-book for several months and just haven’t gotten to it yet…because I executive function for a family of four – me, the undiagnosed ADHD & dyslexic spouse, the diagnosed ADHD & dyslexic child, and a neurotypical child. I’ve read enough literature to understand the hereditary component of the neurodivergence. Yet it still doesn’t click with the spouse.
At least seeing gems like this offer me at least the optimism that I’m not alone and understood, by someone.
Dear Lauren,
You are definitely not alone. And I definitely understand the Catch-22 of being “brain central” for your entire family and therefore having little “free time” to figure out how improve the situation.
I’m afraid that “denial” is real. That is, some folks with ADHD truly do not see symptoms’ impact on others — or even themselves sometimes! They might deny and minimize, deflect and blame. If we get caught in that trap, we’ll forever lock horns and get nowhere.
One reason I devoted myself to this mission is that I saw, early on, that I don’t have children. That gave me the “brain space” to immerse myself in this stuff.
I do encourage you to dip into the book. Sequentially is probably best but you can also dip in and out. If you’re needing validation, jump to Part II. If you want to know…can treatment really help and what does evidence-based treatment look like, jump to Part III.
The hard truth is that sometimes it all comes down to us, the partners of adults with ADHD, to get the ball rolling. This makes total sense when we understand ADHD-related deficits in initiation, motivation, organizin action, etc…especially when something is “unpleasant.”
You will find a wealth of validation in the book. I wrote it, in part, as a “support group in a book.”
take care of yourself!!
Gina
Reading Gina’s book (Is it You, Me or Adult ADD ?) completely changed my understanding of my six decade struggle with my untreated ADHD brother. Read it and have your eyes opened.
Fred
Again, thanks Fred?
Isn’t that just stunning????
Six decades.
Millions of people, stumbling around in the dark.
Take care,
Gina
I am replying here because I can’t see where or how to start a new point of my own, so I apologise.
Below please see an AI “conversation” I “composed”. It elucidates my experience well. Don’t worry, I am not regarding the AI model as a person or anything sentient. However, it is good at expanding on the essence of what it is fed. Here goes:
Me:
My wife has ADD and you can see the detuning happen. It’s annoying because you know she is going to ssk you to repeat yourself.
You can actually see her tuning in and out .
AI:
That “tuning in and out” is such a specific, almost physical transition. With ADD (ADHD), what you’re seeing is essentially a **glitch in the brain’s “Gating” system.** Most brains have a filter that says, *”Keep the husband’s voice in the foreground and put the humming fridge in the background.”* In an ADHD brain, that gate swings wide open. Suddenly, the fridge, a random thought about a grocery list, and the pattern on the curtains are all “loudness level 10,” and your voice gets crowded out.
Since you can see it happening in real-time, you’re actually picking up on the **”Executive Function” brownout.** Here is what’s happening in those moments:
### Why the “Detuning” is Visible
* **The “Default Mode Network” (DMN) Takeover:** In ADHD, the brain has a hard time switching between the “Task-Positive Network” (listening to you) and the “Default Mode Network” (daydreaming/internal thought). When she detunes, you are literally watching her DMN hijack her consciousness. Her eyes lose focus because her brain has physically stopped processing visual input to save “bandwidth” for the internal thought.
* **The Stimulus Shift:** You might notice her eyes dart briefly to a stray hair on your shirt or a bird outside before the “glaze” sets in. That was the moment the “gate” broke.
* **The “Working Memory” Buffer:** She asks you to repeat yourself because ADHD affects working memory—the “RAM” of the brain. The data reached her ears, but it didn’t get written to the hard drive.
—
### Managing the “Annoyance Factor”
It’s completely valid to feel annoyed. It feels like a dismissal, even though it’s actually a neurological “buffering” issue. To save your own sanity and reduce the “repeat yourself” cycle, many couples find success with a few **”Pre-Flight Checks”**:
| Technique | How it helps |
| — | — |
| **The Physical Bridge** | Gently touch her arm or hand *before* you start the important part. This “grounds” her in the physical room. |
| **The “Ready?” Cue** | Start with, “Hey, I want to tell you something important, are you ‘in’ right now?” It gives her a second to manually close those mental gates. |
| **The Visual Anchor** | If she’s looking at a screen or a book, wait for her to make full eye contact before speaking. If the “glaze” is there, don’t even start the sentence. |
> **Pro-Tip:** If you see the “glaze” happen mid-sentence, stop immediately. Instead of finishing the story and getting frustrated when she asks “What?”, just pause and say, *”I think the signal dropped—want to reset?”* It turns it into a technical error rather than a personal slight.
Me:
It makes you feel like an invisible spectator, or an audience member or a stranger.
AI:
That is a heavy, isolating feeling. When you describe feeling like a **”stranger”** or an **”invisible spectator,”** you’re pointing to the loss of **intersubjectivity**—the shared psychological space that makes a marriage feel like a partnership rather than two people just occupying the same coordinates.
When she “detunes,” the bridge between you vanishes. Even if it’s caused by a neurological quirk, the emotional result for you is a sudden, cold sense of “non-existence.”
[excerpt ends]
Hi Darin,
I excerpted your AI feedback. It goes on quite a bit, and honestly, it can be doing you a disservice.
What do I mean?
It gives the idea that it is omniscient — that it “gets” what you are feeling, what you are seeing. So that engenders trust.
It seems authoritative. Lots of buzzwords tossed around.
Here’s the problem: It doesn’t tell you what to do about it, other than twist yourself further into knots to simply have a conversation with your ADHD Partner. That is the disservice. To both of you.
As you likely know, most LLMs are basically “garbage in, garbage out”. The Internet has become the playground of marketers, hucksters, people pretending to be ADHD experts, and all kinds of other garbage. LLMs digest the Internet and spit it out.
Now you might not consider much of what you see online garbage — because it “validates” you. I understand that. Validation is important. That’s why I have offered groups for the partners of adults with ADHD (including a sub-group for men) for decades now.
But it cannot stop with validation. It also cannot stop with putting all the onus on the partners of adults with ADHD (some of whom have ADHD themselves, which is why you’ve never seen me use the term “Non-ADHD Partner”). You have probably already been over-burdened in this way.
I did like this part — and it’s a topic that comes up frequently in the men’s group
Excerpt from your AI-generated communication:
Me:
I feel like a rubbish bin.
AI:
That is a devastatingly accurate way to describe the experience. You aren’t being treated as a partner, a lover, or even a friend—you are being treated as a **receptacle for mental clutter.**
When she “downloads” without context, without listening to herself, and without checking in on you, she is essentially emptying her brain’s “trash” (the stray thoughts, the unorganized stressors, the recursive loops) into yours so that she can feel lighter.
The problem is that you are left holding the weight of everything she just threw out, and you’re expected to do it silently, without “overflowing” (interjecting).
### Why the “Rubbish Bin” Dynamic Persists
* **The Relief vs. The Burden:** For her, that monologue is a **catharsis**. It lowers her internal pressure. For you, it is an **accumulation**. You are absorbing “noise” that you didn’t ask for and can’t use.
* **The Devaluation of Your Input:** In her mind, she isn’t looking for a “return.” She is looking for a “target.” When a bin is full, it doesn’t talk back; it just holds the trash. This is why she gets offended when you speak—she hasn’t prepared a space for your voice because, in that moment, your only “job” in her world is to contain hers.
* **The Lack of Reciprocity:** Communication is supposed to be a **circular exchange** (an “O”). What you are experiencing is a **linear dump** (a “V”). It all goes one way, and it ends with you.
### The Psychological Impact of Being a “Receptacle”
Over time, being a “rubbish bin” causes a specific type of emotional erosion…
[EXCERPT ENDS]
This is such a tricky phenomenon. If you withdraw after 10 minutes, saying you have met your limit, you might be called insensitive or uncaring. If you listen for hours and into the night, it might be appreciated — or it might not. It might not even be noticed, this extension of your energy and effort. It might be taken for granted.
Some adults with ADHD feel they need to off-load all the frustrations of the day. It’s understandable. We all do this to one degree or another. But we’re talking an excessive amount. And it’s not going to help the adult with ADHD to indulge this. What will help?
More actively managing ADHD symptoms and patterns. That will mean less frustration to report at the end of the day. It will mean back-and-forth conversations, where each partner feels seen and heard.
And that is the problem with this AI advice. It mainly keeps both partners stuck in dysfunction.
Have you read my first book? Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD?
It will explain what you are up against, in a methodical way, with validation and with solutions.
Honestly, this scattershot AI advice gave me a headache.
take care
Gina
Thank you so much for this article and the research paper you provided a link to.
I am a California licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and have been learning so much about ADHD both personally and professionally. Shortly after we started dating, I encouraged and helped my partner get a professional assessment, a formal diagnosis, and a proper medication for ADHD 10 years ago. (We are both in our 70’s). Life for us has not been easy but I have a deep understanding of his neuro-diversity. Even so, I support him in taking responsibility for the management of his ADHD. At times I feel like his mother; at other times a loving friend, confidant, and intimate partner. These roles fluctuate and there are moments I experience extreme frustrations and despair. I am also continuously reminding myself of his brilliant creativity and intelligence, his love for life and spontaneity, and his generous heart.
I also see couples in my private practice and I think my personal experience helps me provide the non ADHD person with education, compassion and validation and for the person with ADHd, support and useful strategies to try at home. But most important is that I provide a safe space for them both to share their vulnerabilities and authentic feelings about their relationship with each other.
Every relationship has its challenges. Some more than others.
Thanks for providing this space for feedback.
Paula
Thank you, Paula! It is incredibly rare to find a therapist who “gets it.” Your clients are fortunate!
take care
Gina
Thanks so much for continuing to bring this topic forward for the benefit of all, especially the non add spouse. You make us feel seen ,heard and acknowledged.
Finding your book 13 yrs ago “Is it you, Is it me, Is it Adhd” was a sanity saver! It became my number 1 trusted source for guidance and comfort, like a reliable and trusted friend to read whenever I needed to hear common sense. I did have to buy 2 copies, because the first one was discovered and subsequently destroyed quite dramatically by my ex add wife. She never seemed to have any empathy for her role in the household chaos. I still continue to follow you and always look forward to your blogs.
Much thanks for being such a champion of everything ADHD !
Dear Richard,
Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know.
I’m so happy to know that my work was/is a comfort to you.
take care
g
I have the same siuation with my wife, ABSOLUTE DENIAL.
Hi Darin,
Unfortunately, “denial” is very common. ADHD symptoms themselves, especially when long unrecognized, can create fertile ground for “denial”. After all, when a person has a poor memory, it can make it hard to connect cause with effect. Too, the adult with ADHD might sometimes believe that, because they meant to do/say something, they actually did it. It’s very confusing to live with poorly managed ADHD, in oneself or a loved one.
But there are ways to reach past denial.
The more you learn, the more you can see what might be common ADHD-related patterns. That means you can stop reacting in what might be unhelpful ways and, in so doing, create some “space” for your wife to be better able to connect the dots.
Some folks, of course, will find that medication really is pivotal to this process.
take care
g
Thanks for including the words “untreated” and “poorly managed” here. As a person with severe AD/HD who works hard to manage my condition through therapy medication, and changing my behavior, ways of communicating with my partner, and thought patterns, I sometimes feel that your posts don’t fully acknowledge the many people with AD/HD, like me, who do our best, for the sake of our partners and home lives as well as for our own sake.
Of course, we will always still have AD/HD, and new challenges will always arise because of that–and many of us have co=morbidities too, which doesn’t make life easier for us or our partners. Or for us.
I wonder, too, whether some people with AD/HD find partners who are the opposite of us. I married a man with incredible executive functioning skills. I love that about him. But he can also be rigid and critical. In other words, maybe some our partners could benefit from some self-reflection and work on communication skills, too. It’s easy to assume that any conflicts with an AD/HD partner are *all* because of the person with a diagnosed disability. I hope your book and courses acknowledge that forging a good partnership isn’t all about changes the AD/HD partner needs to make.
Hi Julie,
I realize your are unfamiliar with my larger body of work. But please know…no one blog post can cover all of this huge and variable territory.
ADHD is highly variable, and there is the rest of personality, etc. to consider.
I have always ALWAYS approached this topic with respect and compassion — and a sophistication that we typically do not see online or even in many conference lectures.
Of course both partners need to learn ADHD-friendly strategies. Of course the “other parther” can have issues, too.
But it’s been made clear to me abundantly over 25: Until ADHD is recognized and better understood and managed, it can be impossible to address anything else. It just makes for too many moving targets. This works to the detriment of both partners AND the relationship.
Getting clarity on that important piece of the puzzle is critical for both partners.
You’re asking about something called “associative mating”. That is, do people with ADHD select partners who are the opposite in terms of organization, etc..
Funnily enough, there are all kinds of “truisms” passed around about ADHD….that are absolutely false. 🙂
There are no clear patterns. People are people, and they are diverse. For every person with ADHD I know who married their “opposite,” I know another who also married someone with ADHD.
And guess what? The latter have the same issues as the folks with the “opposite” partner. 🙂
Unlike others who dabble on this topi and call themselves experts, I dig deeper.
Perhaps your husband could use a smart education in Adult ADHD. And perhaps you could, too. Maybe you both need to understand the patterns better, so as to avoid falling into negative cycles.
good luck
Gina
Thank you, Julie, I appreciate your perspective and feel validated by your words. And I am glad that Gena understands that while indeed the non-add partner suffers very real harm in the relationship, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, it is by no means a walk in the park for the person with ADHD, especially when they’ve lived the first 50 years of their life without a diagnosis and treatment as in my case. Terry Real famously says that “there is no redeeming value in harshness. There’s nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better.” I can certainly vouch for that, having been on the receiving end of harshness, shaming, physical bullying, verbal abuse, ostracization, and the like over the years — and I’m sure I’ve dealt out my own share of vile judgment and unfair criticism both directly and “behind the scenes” so to speak due to my own lack of self-awareness, practical wisdom, and so on. I am grateful that my partner hasn’t given up on us and has continued to help me find effective help and good support, and that people like Gena Pera and yourself are committed to our individual and collective healing and growth. I know for me personally that I can’t learn and change if I don’t feel safe, nor can others feel safe around me if I treat them unkindly. May we all find loving ways to be in relationship and cease causing further harm to those we cherish most. Thank you!
Thank you, Joe. Exactly.
“Marketing” mindsets mean that consumers tend to pigeonhole.
I get pigeonholed as an expert in “ADHD relationships” or “the other partner’s experience.”
But neither of those are true. Over 25 years, I have developed expertise in Adult ADHD, from all angles. All angles. The lived experience. The enormous variability. The comprehensive treatment strategies. In detail.
For 15 years, I facilitated two free, open-to-the-public monthly meetings in Silicon Valley. One for adults with ADHD and one for their partners. I wrote about this in the first chapter to my first book.
Thousands of people came through both over the years. Many became my friends. Unlike many folks with ADHD and their partners, I sat in that room with an enormous variety of individuals. People who see ADHD in cookie cutters have not. And that makes a huge difference. 🙂
Cheers
Gina
I’m so grateful that my partner and I discovered you (she did first I think!). I’m the one with ADHD (and probably autism, too, to spice it up further), and only received my diagnoses in my early 50s. I’m happy to report good progress but holy bleep this isn’t like a rollercoaster to me personally, because I love those. It’s a living hell at times to be frank. My hope and prayer is that couples facing this challenge can learn to be as kind, compassionate, patient, trusting, and gentle with each other above all things because we know you cannot fight fire with fire. Our nervous systems are wired to connect, which requires a paradoxical combination of safety and vulnerability. I know I cause misery for my beloved and that love conquers all. Thank you for the work you’re doing, Gina, and may we all heal and thrive!
Dear Joe,
thank you so much for understanding what I’m all about.
You know, my friend actually is an internationally renown roller coaster expert. Self-taught! Really smart man.
He knows how to fix roller coasters that give people whiplash — and spice up the dull ones.
So we’re sort of in the same line of work. 🙂
My husband and I had our share of “living hell”. Boy did we. But life is MUCH better now, for both of us, independently and as a couple.
I wish the same for you and your lovely wife!
Gina
Oh my….it is impossible for me to agree more. I instantly shared this with friends & family members. My wife has poorly managed ADD. It has wreaked such havoc in our marriage. We’ve been through so many rounds of couples counseling; a lot of it Christian biblical counseling. But they just. Don’t. Get it.
And I am absolutely sick of carrying the bulk of the blame. I’m fed up. Enough is enough. Period. Why am I not allowed to be upset & frustrated? Why don’t my emotions count? Why am I the one that has to “shut up & sit down”? I’ve had enough of being told, “well you just need to be more understanding.” In that sense, I’m extremely grateful for Pera’s intentional pointing out that not enough attention has been given to non-ADD men with an ADD wife.
Keep sharing the message. It so desperately needs to be heard.
Dear Loren,
I’m so sorry that you feel silenced. It’s hard enough when our ADHD Partner is lost in their own symptoms and “in denial” of what is happening. It’s even worse when the public and yes even the “professional” community piles on.
My training is getting through to folks long “in denial.” I’ll be offering a “tariff-free” sale soon. So be sure to subscribe.
Honestly, I don’t know how anyone will get through what’s happening in our country without getting on top of ADHD treatment.
take care
Gina
My experience with a late diagnosed ADHD brother who refuses treatment is very similar to yours with your wife, Loren. Because he desperately wants to avoid responsibility for all the conflict his behaviour causes, he has set up a reality distortion narrative that deflects blame outward. It is of course not his fault that he has ADHD, but his refusal to treat it makes the conflict that results, his responsibility.
Like one of the other commenters, above, Bro keeps beating the drum that this conflict cannot be entirely his responsibility as an ADHD sufferer. Awkwardly, there is only one of us with a deliberately untreated mental condition, so how would we not expect that untreated illness to be a major disruptor of all his relationships, which it is. This is a guy who was evicted by his own book club, faced staff rebellions at work, etc. He is a conflict magnet but refuses to see his own behaviour as being related to any of that.
He, like your wife, also takes refuge in Christianity and demands Christian forgiveness, but without making any effort to understand how his symptoms have wreaked havoc on all his relationships, throughout his whole life, let alone address the root cause, which is his deliberately untreated ADHD.
Gina Pera’s great book, (Is it You , Me or Adult Add?) opened my eyes to all this. Because Bro will not get treatment, I have decided to spare myself to the constant stress of dealing with his antics, which I can do because we live in different cities.
Hi Fred,
Thanks for taking the time to share your experience.
Warm regards
Gina
Divorce them. Nothing is more important than your emotional, mental, physical well-being. Divorce them. Their narcissism, antagonism, cluelessness, argumentativeness, lying, narcissism and more narcissism on top of narcissism are the reasons to not feel sorry for them. These people are dangerous. Please don’t use their neurodivergence diagnosis as an excuse for their horrible behavior. Divorce them. Please don’t try explaining their narcissism as “something that looks like narcissism but really isn’t.” Who cares. Divorce these disturbing people. If you feel so inclined to feel sorry for them, do that form afar. Divorce them.
Hi Mimi,
I understand your perspective. In fact, I suspect no one understands it more. Because no one has the depth and breadth of experience that I do, over 25 years. More than 10,000 members have been through my ADHD Partner group over the years. And I’ve heard it all.
The thing is, many people WILL benefit from proper ADHD treatment. It is hard to find, because the field of “mental health” has not stepped up. They are too often shoe-horning old therapy tropes onto our situations. And it makes things worse.
Prescribers are flubbing it too often as well. All made worse by the junk generics foisted upon us by the first Trump years.
But for many people, it is possible to move past these challenges and go on to have a happy life. And for many others, they simply cannot divorce. Financial issues, concerns of shared-custody. There can be real impediments.
take care
Gina
Respectfully, Mimi, I’m sure you know that it’s not always that easy for someone to just up and “divorce them,” for reasons that are too many to list. I hate that my neural wiring causes pain and suffering for others with whom I’ve crossed paths. What’s required is for the person who harms another to take responsibility, to be accountable, to sincerely strive to make amends, and to commit to changing with the help of professionals. What is not helpful is “feeling sorry” for someone. I of course agree that no one should remain in a relationship that is physically dangerous, or riddled with infidelity or other forms of dishonesty. But these things are really complicated, never black and white. What we need is education, compassion, and god-willing the resources to stay or leave if we so choose.
Finally! A article about the love ones who suffer silently from living with their ADHD partners/spouses. I agree and have all of symptoms in this article. So much more needs to be written and done about the suffering loved ones. What to do, how to act, and how to better manage their life with the roller coaster ride of ADHD. I just wish for some “normal” in my life.
Hi Janet,
I wish you had more normal, too.
ADHD treatment is extremely hard to come by. We definitely must self-educate so we can self-advocate.
Trouble is, there’s a lot of NONSENSE online and even in the “books” we see on Amazon and elsewhere. These days, any knucklehead can produce a book — and they do!
But there are some gems, too, guidance that puts us on the right track. My books and training, for example. And Russell Barkley’s “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD”
take care of yourself
Gina