Do you remember the traits that attracted you to your ADHD partner — and vice-versa? That was a question in my ADHD Partner Survey. It is the most comprehensive research to date on ADHD and relationships. We’ll look at the responses in this post.
First, folklore persists regarding who is attracted to adults with ADHD for intimate relationships—and vice versa. Never mind that in the U.S. alone, adults with some degree of ADHD number from 10 to 30 million. In other words, they aren’t clones. Neither are their mates.
Nonetheless, at least two so-called truisms prevail about Adult ADHD and relationships:
- “Opposites Attract”: People with ADHD are attracted to “organized” and joyless workers bees who can keep the trains running for the both of them and who in turn are drawn to their free-spirited ADHD partner’s spontaneity and sense of fun.
- “Like Attracts Like”: People with ADHD are attracted to other people with ADHD because they inherently understand each other more than any “Muggle” could.
These two stereotypes are entirely contradictory. Yet, they echoed with equal certitude through the ADHD community while I was researching my first book—and still today. Sure, couples fitting both stereotypes turn up in my local and online discussion groups. Yet, between those two extremes lay the teeming variety of human individuals and their relationships.
As I like to say, “People with ADHD are just like all other humans, only more so.” And the same is true for relationships in which one or both partners have ADHD: They struggle with the same issues that challenge all couples, only more so.
Testing ADHD Trait Stereotypes
How to test these stereotypes? Constructing a question proved tricky when designing my ADHD Partner Survey. I settled on a rather loose fishing expedition. Original research must start somewhere.
I settled on two questions, using the same list of traits for each question (ADHD Partner and Other Partner):
- Which of your ADHD Partner’s traits attracted you? (Check ALL that apply and/or add any that aren’t listed.) – RED in the charts below
- Which of your traits do you suspect attracted your ADHD partner to you? (Check ALL that apply and/or add any that aren’t listed.) – BLUE in the charts below
The main limitation: Survey respondents did not include the ADHD partners, only the partners of adults with ADHD. (Some had ADHD themselves). The respondents answered based on what they had gleaned from their ADHD partner.
Let’s examine the two sets of responses, combined and sorted into two different charts, below.
Comparing the Traits — Yours and Your ADHD Partner’s
Please bear with me. It’s a little tricky to grasp at first. But by comparing the two sets of data side by side, we can see if a picture emerges. That is, are some collective “personality” traits more common to the ADHD partner (the adult with ADHD) or the other partner (the respondent)?
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1. Which Traits Attracted You To Your ADHD Partner?
For this first chart, I sorted responses from most common to least common to this question: “Which of your ADHD Partner’s traits attracted you?”
Red represents the respondent’s ADHD Partner’s traits, the ones that the survey respondent found most attractive. It looks like the four big draws are:
- Spontaneous; fun to be with: this trait is represented almost doubly in ADHD partners as in respondents but still quite present in the respondents
- Humorous; cheerful: just a little more represented in ADHD partners
- Interesting; imaginative, “different”: about a third more represented in ADHD partners
- Attractive; sexy: about equal, with respondents rating themselves just a bit more attractive and sexy than their own ADHD partners (yes, bias could be an issue here…as I said…”fishing expedition”).
On the downside, the three low vote-getters:
- Good money manager: huge disparity there between respondents and ADHD partners
- Healthy lifestyle: another large disparity
- Responsible; mature; responsible; organized: a whopping disparity
Where is the biggest overall disparity? The ADHD Partners were far more likely to attract with “big dreams” and “big promises.”
A Sample of Write-In Responses
Some ADHD Partner Survey respondents chose to write-in more details about this question (Which traits attracted you to your ADHD Partner?). Here’s a sampling:
- He is goal-oriented, although he can get side-tracked. I felt he would anchor me a little as I tended to drift from activity to activity.
- He had 4 kids. I wanted kids and maybe I thought that it would be like an instant family. I’d lost a baby a few years earlier (when I was married). Also, he really pursued me. Everything I did was wonderful. I was fascinating. That’s hard to ignore after a while. Once things started to change, I think I believed his version of reality, and I was being too sensitive. By the time I figured out the mess in the relationship, my step sons were a major part of my life. It looked to me as if they had no parenting and I didn’t feel like I could leave without abandoning them.
- Not really a trait, but he and his family convinced me that I was perfect for him, and I felt flattered yet trapped.
- He “needed” me and was so grateful for my affection, especially physical warmth. He was and is an extraordinarily humble and sweet person with a profound ability to love.
- He was good at snagging the free hors d’oeuvres at Happy Hours in the college bars. I had never had time or many man-friends to go to bars with, so I found his nurturing tendencies to consistently provide me with the free food endearing. Also, I saw that he loved me for who I was, even the quirky habits. His love was genuine; it was based on my essence and not my looks or achievements.
- She was tolerant of me.
- Compassionate (when I get his attention). Very sweet and loving (again, when he is paying attention).
- He strongly pursued me, swept me off my feet, showered me with gifts, etc.
2. Which of Your Traits Attracted Your ADHD Partner?
For this second chart, I sorted by this second question, sorted from highest to lowest: “Which of your traits do you suspect attracted your ADHD partner to you?”
Blue represents the respondent’s self-perceived traits. The four most-cited traits are:
- Loyal; truthful; sincere
- Warm; nurturing; unselfish
- Thoughtful; considerate
- Understanding
Almost all these traits are found in double the prevalence with the respondents as in the ADHD partners. So, yes, perhaps there is some truth to this mating polarity: the “responsible” types going for the “spontaneous” types.
But how do you account for people ADHD who are socially phobic, dramatically non-spontaneous, not particularly fun and certainly not happy-go-lucky? And what about the partners of adults with ADHD who are flexible, easy-going, the life of the party, and masters of efficiency?
A Sample of Write-In Responses:
Many respondents wrote in “intelligence” as the trait most attractive to their ADHD Partners. Here are more:
- Great singing voice. He really likes it when I sing around the house.
- Strong, shared spiritual practice and political perspectives
- I was interested in things that he had never run into before. My friends were different from the people he used to hang out with. We were mostly odd in an overly intellectual way – tended to be long discussions of esoteric topics… Also, I ate a wide variety of ethnic foods that he’d never run into before.
- I was very supportive of him and gave him a huge confidence boost. I was always there to pick him up and help him out of his situations, even though he did not reciprocate.
- I was a “doormat. Very shy and eager to please. Easy to control, so to speak.
- I was a father figure to her. Her father is an alcoholic.
- He told me later he thought I would do a good job of caring for his aging parents.
- He liked my intellect and being able to have a good conversation.
- We were friends for several years before becoming romantically tied. I think that I was so attractive to him because, by default, I was just simply “there.” He chose me, mainly, because I, unlike other women, simply failed to take a hike.
- Resourceful; wise; intense; brilliant.
- Knew where I was going in life; confident
- He needed someone to take care of him.
- I was from another country, so our differences were exciting to him/
- We shared an interest in music and in making things with our hands. And my business degree suited his plans.
- I was coming out of an abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
- From a stable background
Summary
People are complicated, ADHD or not. That’s why I’m a fan of viewing each person dealing with ADHD as individuals. Each experiences variable traits of a variable syndrome (not to mention the co-existing conditions, the rest of personality, socioeconomic background, etc.). Same for the partners.
Stereotypes also miss one big factor: the impact that untreated ADHD can have on both people in a relationship over time.
For example, to outside observers, some partners of adults with ADHD do seem rigid and controlling. But if you ask them, most say they didn’t start out that way. Rather, living with their ADHD partner’s untreated symptoms pretty much demanded they have enough control for the both of them! But that’s a topic for a future post.
Then there are the many adults with ADHD who’ve either never been part of a couple or haven’t been for long. This is a point of sadness and regret for many.
I hope you’ve found some food for thought here. Your comments always welcome!
Next in the ADHD Partner Survey Series:
Did Your ADHD Partner’s Attractive Traits…Remain?
Available now! Comprehensive online training—for individuals, couples, and professionals at Solving Your Adult ADHD Puzzle — For Couples and Individuals
—Gina Pera
27 thoughts on “What Traits Attracted You To Your ADHD Partner?”
I want to thank you for share these interesting and helpful information.
My husband, aged 37, was recently diagnosed with ADHD. He is so sweet, considerate, sincere, intellectual/ intelligent.
I´m celiac and he´s always very careful with my diet and needs. But at the same time, he frequently loses important things, it seems he´s not listening sometimes, he´s untidy, he focuses obsessively in one subject, and he´s not able to do simple things without other person´s guidance.
Now, because of the diagnosis, we are relieved. Our relationship is more harmonious now. I´m so happy, it is like a miracle to me, because now I have the answer of this big contradictions that worried me a lot. Also, he quickly was able to manage the money much better. and everything is improving day by day.
By understanding the situation and with CBT´s help. Regards from Argentina. Sorry for my little English. : )
Hi Sofia,
Thank you for sharing your story. I am always delighted to read a “good news” comment. 🙂
These days, there are some great ADHD resources in Spanish.
Including the Mexico City-based foundation: https://www.cerebrofeliz.org/
Keep up the great work, you two!
g
Thank you for this, I already read some blogs talking about ADHD Relationship like the site of ADHD Centre https://www.adhdcentre.co.uk/ . Living with my husband having an ADHD is not easy, he was diagnosed but I can see few changes about his behaviour.
Hi Amber,
Diagnosis is only the first step.
Education and quite often medication form the basis of developing new strategies for communication, cooperation, and more.
I hope he (and you) can find competent treatment in the UK. I know it is difficult, especially without financial resources.
best,
g
Hi Gina,
I love my boyfriend of four years very much. I have ADHD and he does not. We’re quite the opposite in the sense that he is very organized, sharp, intelligent, shy and introverted while being from the US am very charismatic, energetic, spontaneous. Since he is from another culture we’ve got a huge gap in some similarities (and we’re 4 years apart in our 20s). I often think I’m getting “bored” due to the lack of stimulation I get from him – maybe from lack of similar pop culture, friends and also being in long distance.
What advice do you have for great partners and those with ADHD not getting too bored with their SOs?
Hi Becky,
You ask a complex question!
There are several factors here: long-distance relationship, different cultures, different friends, introversion/extroversion. Couples do best when they have something in common. 🙂
You lead by describing your boyfriend as organized, sharp, intelligent, shy, and introverted. None of those describe what you love about him. The first might be an important trait to counter what might be your own disorganization (the universal ADHD challenge) but it is not necessarily a trait that contributes to our fondness for the person — unless we are seeking someone to keep us organized! 🙂
You describe yourself as charismatic, energetic, and spontaneous. Yet, how much of that is your “personality” and how much is your self-described ADHD?
You don’t mention if you are actively managing your ADHD. (It’s not ADHD unless there is impairment; that’s central to the diagnosis.) If you are not, that might be why you have grown bored.
But you are also young. When we are young, we generally tend to have more outsized expectations of a partner, as someone who is there to keep us amused and interested. As we mature, we tend to seek our entertainment elsewhere and want a mate who is a good life partner, in terms of cooperation, communication, care, and reciprocity, etc.
Some people with ADHD don’t mature as quickly as others. And they keep seeking “excitement” in a partner. One after another. For years. Sometimes they begin treatment and they start to become more realistic and less superficial about what they desire in a partner. They are able to dig deeper and nurture the relationship. They find ways to keep things interesting, with conversation, with learning new things (e.g. hobbies, activities) together, etc.
Could it be that your expectations are reasonable and there are just too many differences between you two? Sure.
Could it be that you are expecting too much stimulation from a partner? Sure. In that case, be careful what you wish for! 🙂
Good luck sorting this out!
g
This topic is so interesting, excited for the part 2.
I have a friend who had an ADHD husband, I’m really going to share this topic.
We also read some blogs about the ADHD.
Thanks again.
I’m not into the relationship deeply as yet, but i have a head start on knowing her problems and been researching the disorder. So she doesn’t know i know about it yet. Will tread carefully and not make any rash decisions until i know her fully. I hope she will tell me herself soon about it so we can support each other to achieve the best outcome. Just not sure whether to ask her about it if she doesn’t tell me herself?
Kevin,
There are two possibilities:
1. She knows she has ADHD and rejects the idea.
2. She has ADHD and lacks the insight to see her history of problematic relationship patterns. In fact, it seems like she enjoys having a trove of conquests.
Neither is good.
I understand the need for companionship. I understand that it’s not easy these days to meet “romantic interests.” But I also see such red flags here, and I’ve seen many men get caught up in this — and chewed up.
Read my book first. You owe yourself at least that.
https://amzn.to/2Nlp6GG
g
Kevin, Gina,
Gina is giving some WISE feedback here! I am married to a man with a few core issues we have been having to address over our marriage (for a long time). Gina I’ll be responding to the main post also.
ADHD or not, via this gal… you are describing huge warning flags for a relationship that will mostly have severe trust and security issues! Do your own family of origin background and try to understand yourself and what if any unresolved issues you have relationally? Like an unavailable father, mother? Etc?
There are subconscious reasons we are highly attracted to these kind of traited people and sometimes we just don’t know ourselves enough. Do your homework;), advice I wish I had been given.
You also mentioned ‘treading lightly until you know her more fully’ .. caution, this may not be possible if she herself has her own journey of not knowing herself? You will never fully know someone who is unwilling to know themselves first and offer that in mutual relationship. You mentioned her previous failed track record and it certainly could be related to ADHD (untreated) but it could also be other factors too, such as a relationship &Love addict? Or someone who is fearful of true intimacy?
You are also wise to study and really evaluate the costs to your own personhood as these issues are higher risk if you do chose to get more involved with someone ‘who is currently not being treated for their ADHD’ or other coexisting issues.
Thanks for responding to Kevin.
g
Gina,
Thank you so much for responding! I so appreciate it;)
I’m hoping this is posted in alignment it wasn’t letting me post directly from your last comment.
Ok, wow I can resonate with the examples you have described here and the ‘what’s Avoidant addiction’?
I know I know. I mentioned above that our counselor is well equipped to address the ADD symptoms but I do think my husband’s symptoms have been more consistent with the anxiety and depression not to mention super high functioning coping skills.
He never was treated as a child or teen for anxiety but can remember memories back to grade school (dred feeling) and then more panick attacks once in high school.
The holding the breath was something that got brought up as a family memory (his mom referring to it as he was so stubborn he would hold his breath….
I have to agree to the stubbornness he did have and sometimes revisits)
My husband and I have talked further about it in past years, as I tried to better understand his response to me was: “I held my breath ‘because it worked!’” Meaning he must have gotten what he wanted eventually.
In our marriage, I would say he would offer the silent treatment when he didn’t get what he wanted, or he felt annoyed or I pointed out a complaint of mine.
I never knew what silent treatment was about until marriage.
His mom did take him to the pediatrician for the holding his breath thing and was told to place him in the center of the room so he would not fall on anything.
Go figure.
I bring this ‘breathing thing up’ because a couple yrs ago in counseling our counselor noticed his breathing almost like when anxious or defensive he would actually hold his breath for a second or two before speaking or giving feedback. Counselor noticed this as more of a physical reaction he was having involuntary and not aware of it.
His family of origin issues are mainly having pretty passive parents overall. They were rarely engaged with him and certainly not on an emotional level, so adulthood has been a lot of learning emotional development and maturity.
I’ll be reading your book and look forward to better equipping for myself and my sanity.
My question and certainly my sadness over these situations has more to my story. A couple yrs ago I had to step away from a relationship with a friend who I believe to have untreated ADHD. I stepped away based on our dynamics and how ‘somehow’ I became a usual lightening rod for her out of no-where. She often wanted to use the let’s start over and forget that ‘rage thing’ ever happened toward you. Dr. Amen has well educated pieces on these behaviors also.
Anyways, I decided for a long time to observe the behavior of the subtle but pattern of her not seeing Cause and Effect, as well as forgetting critical information or connecting dots. On the spiritual side of things this has bled into scriptural interpretations and became even more toxic because of how twisted or misapplied things were.
The misinterpretation was predicable sadly. Anyways I found it odd that she shared similar shame issues and also held her breath as a child to get her way, she also grew up in a very chaotic abusing home.
For my husband,
I do think the combination of cognitive counseling and the SSRI have made the biggest difference overtime. We also have had lots of other resources assist in our union, but I think my biggest struggle is the co-parenting as I get put in the ‘hard and certainly not the fun parent role’.
Thank you again for your response and taking the time to answer my other questions. Really appreciate so much of what you are offering here!
Hi again, Freedom,
You are most welcome!
A few quick points:
1. I very much am skeptical of a counselor being “well equipped to address the ADD symptoms” if that counselor uses terms such as “avoidant addiction.”
2. Your husband might say that he held his breath “because it worked” — and that actually might be true. He did it consciously. But that also might be his “rosy” interpretation of the behavior. Some people would rather maintain that a dysfunctional behavior was volitional rather than admit it was out of their control, that something might be “wrong” with them.
3. Yes, again with the unconsciously holding breath…some people with ADHD can literally “forget to breath” normally when under stress, etc. And then when the critical moment has passed, take in a big breath. Again…dopamine…autonomic nervous system, etc.
4. Yes, Dr. Amen knows the dysfunctional patterns well.
5. My second book, written for professionals but useful to consumers, is Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy, and I made sure to include a chapter on co-parenting. The first of its kind. Anywhere. And sorely overdue.
best,
g
Thanks, it’s a tricky one. I know i have only been dating her for three weeks, but i have already picked up signs of ADHD even on the first date. She I believe is trying to hide the symptoms.
I like her dearly and understand the disorder a bit. My main concern is she has had a hell of a lot of relationships which all has failed.
We both met online and both of us want the missing part of life which is to get happy marriage & to have children. I just need to be sure i can keep her interest with me rather than getting bored and moving onto the next candidate. She is obviously struggling with life and is desperately wanting a child as now 37.
She also has a lot of male friends who she even meets up with on a one to one basis even during our dating period. I have asked her about it and she says they are old friends and thats the way she is.
Can a perfect relationship be achieved and keep her interested in staying devoted to one man?
Hi Kevin,
I took some time to give a thoughtful answer, one that reflects many years of accrued wisdom.
And you ran right over it. 🙂
You probably think that YOU will be the one to save her from herself, YOU will be the one to win her heart and keep it.
I’m telling you, there’s a high risk of you becoming road kill.
But suit yourself!
Gina,
I’m looking forward to reading your book and better grasping this ‘roller coaster’ which is exactly how I have described my experiences to ‘our Seal Team’ of professionals! I have watched your YouTube videos also and they are so very helpful. I would so appreciate any feedback you can offer;)
Our longtime counselor is consistent in treating my husband for ‘avoidant addiction’ anxiety/depression (which he suffered from since childhood ‘ but I think the ADD is such a factor playing alongside. Never has he been officially diagnosed as an adult but definitely checks off plenty of areas that would put him on the spectrum. By the way, Our counselor certainly is well equipped/trained to pick up on any ADD places but it’s my belief that the SSRI (treating for anxiety) prescription makes the biggest impact in day to day marital functioning and his ability to connect, retain important things, as well as connect dots so it doesn’t always feel like Groundhog Day. I don’t mean that with disrespect but the co-parenting is pretty frustrating at times when I as a parent want to BE consistent and follow through for the benefit of our children’s upbringing and stability. Dad certainly is the fun-parent.
Off the meds, the roller coaster is a good description. But I also can describe it as I am walking through a field of land mines never knowing when something is triggered or OFTEN misinterpreted and a heightened reactive response awaits! Fight breaks loose! The defensiveness is profound and it’s amazing to me to see just how one can go so long using good communication and coping skills to full out non existent ones in a very insecure moment that is often skewed!
The skewed things are sometimes so far off from actually reality and the ‘stuck thinking’ feels like such a brain freeze offering no stretching or consideration for getting something wrong. Being the partner to this is such a lonely place when your in the thick of it.
Without the interventions we would not have been able to be where we are today.
I also wonder about any other research you have done where in childhood, a child would hold their breath until they passed out as punishment to the parents when they didn’t get what they wanted!
Maybe this is common for many people but I find that I have know a couple people who show sure signs of ADD, places of insecurity that gets projected unto others etc and both have pointed out this behavior as what they remember doing when they were little.
Hi again, Freedom.
Somehow I missed responding to your comment.
One problem with some even well-meaning counselors: They get very caught up in squishy terminology that describes the behavior but not its genesis. So they make up their own causative factors, usually to do with childhood.
I mean, what the heck is that, really? Avoidant addiction. It exactly describes ADHD-related challenges in organization, follow-through, etc.
I think you should read my first book very, very closely. You will learn many things that your well-intentioned counselor apparently does not understand. Things that could truly elevate your life, your husband’s life, and your life together. Including as co-parents.
It’s interesting that the SSRI seems to improve your husband’s functioning. Sometimes, people with ADHD who take an SSRI alone will experience an intensification of ADHD symptoms. Due to the complex relationship of dopamine and serotonin in the brain.
If there is also anxiety/depression with the ADHD, the SSRI might be helping enough with that to reduce irritability and anger.
So, PLEASE READ MY BOOK. RIGHT NOW. YOU SOUND LIKE YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK!
As for your other question — “I also wonder about any other research you have done where in childhood, a child would hold their breath until they passed out as punishment to the parents when they didn’t get what they wanted!”
Yes, it’s called pediatric syncope, and I researched this quite thoroughly when I was trying to help a friend whose toddler exhibited this behavior. It was so frightening. He’d turn blue and keel over!
The pediatric neurologist said, “He’ll grow out of it.”
No, they don’t typically grow out of it. Instead, as they develop, they will show different signs of this neurocognitive problem.
After talking with the parents of children who displayed this behavior, I developed my theory about it (but have yet to find “professional” corroboration…perhaps because no one is thinking along these lines…but should be).
A common ADHD symptom is being unable to “wait” or to be told “no” when their brain is screaming “YES YES YES. MUST HAVE. YES YES YES. MUST HAVE REWARD.”
There are difficulties with emotional regulation and navigating transitions (e.g. wanting the thing to being told cannot have it).
Adults with ADHD, in this situation, might express this frustration verbally — by arguing, blaming, etc.
A pre-verbal toddler cannot argue! Cannot in any way overcome the adult that is denying THE THING THEY WANT. It is extremely frustrating, and the frustrated anger can be so intense it overwhelms their nervous system, to the point of affecting autonomic nervous-system functions such as breathing.
But look at how psychological “theory” over the years has misinterpreted this behavior as willful, intentional, and above all punitive and manipulative toward the parents.
It’s mind-boggling, the stories that psychology/psychoanalytic theory has twisted and mangled so many brain-based behaviors into intentional, manipulative behaviors.
My theory is, they couldn’t ameliorate these behaviors with their talk therapies so they blamed the patient for continuing.
Ah, don’t get me started. lol
So yes, what starts out as a frustrated pre-verbal toddler fainting over the years turned into an argumentative 5-year-old, a defiant 10 year old, and a REALLY defiant, “must have what I want” adult.
Sure, childhood experiences can affect us and out patterns/behaviors for the rest of life. But too often, the cart is put before the horse. In other words, neurocognitive challenges can manifest during infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, the teen years, and adulthood. They are not CAUSED by parenting or volition. They are PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS. Symptoms often treatable with medication.
I hope that clarifies.
Gina
Recently started a new relationship with this beautiful girl.
I am pretty sure she has ADHD, but not 100% sure. She has not told me and I have not mentioned it to her. I have seen many signs and have some understanding of the disorder.
My main concerns on the relationship are as follows:
1.) she has had many failed relationships in past and she tends to speak about them always on dates with me and sometimes it goes into long conversations and sometimes i feel she still likes/ loves some of them still? Even though she mentions they didn’t respect her at all.
2.) she has multiple photos of these past parners on her phone which she seems proud off and says she hasn’t got time to delete them. Also she says some of them still contact her.
3.) although we have only been dating for three weeks, she has met up with four male friends for one to one drinks/ meals during our dating period. After questioning her about it, she seems to think that this is acceptable and it’s the way she is. Seems inappropriate to me?
4.)During our dates she does have a wandering eye to a lot of males going by, i know men normally look at other women, but never seen it in a woman before, and she does it very drastically with a flirtatious smile.
Not sure if the above issues are symptoms of ADHD? And if so can they be overcome? And if she does have the disorder, do i ask her or let her tell when she is ready (if she knows she has it).
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks
Hi Kevin,
I cannot say that she is displaying ADHD symptoms per se. But I see enough red flags to make it a possibility.
More importantly, ADHD or not, she is “telling” you everything you need to know.
Don’t ignore it, just because she’s beautiful. I predict a world of hurt for you if you do.
This is how she’s behaving at only 3 weeks end. It will only get worse.
Before you exit, if you want to mention to her that she might want to look into ADHD, you might do her a favor.
But please don’t get caught up in a Rescue Mission. It might be different if you were in a long-term relationship. But you are not.
Danger, Will Robinson.
g
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I love my ADHD husband.
I miss him. Because his unmedicated brain/ enabling family combine to support/encourage our marital separation.
I wish I’d never met him
and/or
I wish I’d died during the ectopic pregnancy that nearly killed me anyway 11 years ago.
Yes it’s that bad.
I still love my husband, even if it seems more and more that he can’t, won’t love me anymore.
I still miss him.
I AM DISABLED , out of options, resources.
I love my husband – who he was for at least 20 years. The last 7 years, he has gradually degenerated into someone barely recognizable.
I miss him.
;0 (
I’m so sorry, Kidlet. 🙁
Since the situation seems out of your control, I hope that you can make good use of this time in taking care of yourself.
Perhaps with time, and your being in a better place physically, you’ll have more to look forward to in life instead of looking back.
xo
g
I asked the hubs: He said “your no b.s. attitude.” That surprised me. I showed him the list of traits and he said that he would check: interesting, attractive, and humorous as additional traits.
He definitely thought that I chose him because he is responsible. Which is absolutely true. I also thought he was hilarious. My husband is intellectual in a way I am not – he thinks about the world, politics, women’s health…everything. He is a thinker.
I think, but I am less sure of myself. My thinking is more tangled, like a maze with a bunch of dead ends. He understands complex issues, whereas I get overwhelmed and emotional.
Such an interesting topic!
Hi Liz,
An interesting topic indeed. And puts the lie to the notion that people with ADHD pick partners who are responsible — and that’s it.
There’s got to be something else, I think. As you found with your husband, “hilarious” and “intellectual.”
Glad that you found each other.
g
Many years ago, we each made a list of things that we loved best about our mate. I’m ADHD and my wife is not. Here is her list to #5:
1. Regardless of the project, you get excited about it and even if you know nothing about it, you’ll research it or work at it till it’s finished.
2. No matter what time you get up, 4:00 or 7:00a.m., two minutes later, you are ready to go.
3. I love your favorite saying: “I specialize in the improbable; the impossible takes a bit longer”.
4. I don’t know how you do it but if there is risk involved, you always come up smelling like roses.
5. If it’s worth doing, you are not done till it’s done right.
My list of the top 5-things I love best about my wife:
1. My wife is extremely detail oriented but hates risk.
2. My wife can enjoy something like bicycling or kayaking just for fun instead of going for perfection.
3. My wife loves to read, but only non-fiction.
4. Hair, makeup, and clothing is a one-hour ordeal but the end result is well worth the wait, even after 20-years!
5. Our very first date, you put your hand on the back of my neck while I was driving and caressed my neck. I knew right then and there, the looking was over…
Hi Terry,
Such a great idea, to remind ourselves what we love about our partners. Thanks for sharing, and reminding.
g
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