Welcome back to the book club!
The previous post focused on the book’s introduction. Now we enter Part I of the book’s three sections: “From the Tunnel of Love to the Roller Coaster: Could Your Partner Have ADHD?” Chapter 1 is entitled “Who Has a Ticket to Ride? Spotting ADHD’s Surprising Signs.”
Taylor and I welcome your comments. Two winners will be randomly selected from among them to receive an autographed copy of my book or the Kindle version!
A post on each chapter will appear every two weeks, on Sunday.
Chapter 1: ADHD Myths Vs. Facts
By Taylor J.
After a few months of couple therapy, I saw the counselor alone.
She said that many of the things Dr. Math (my husband) and I were dealing with were “quirks” that came with [his] “brilliance.”
I raised my hand, as if I were a third-grader and asked: “How come, if I lose things, can’t keep track of time or money, get addicted to video games, forget to pay bills, and can’t keep anything clean, it means I have ADHD, but if he does the same things, it’s because he’s brilliant?”
“No, you’re also brilliant. And he also has ADHD.”
After a few years of therapy, she finally comes out with this?
In Chapter 1, Gina addresses the unexpected ways that ADHD can infiltrate our marriages. At this point in the book, she puts it simply: ADHD is combination of hyperactivity, impulsivity, and inattention, which can create impairment in work, school, and relationships.
That’s easy to write out. But ADHD is incredibly difficult to recognize in a marriage due to:
- Confusing stereotypes about ADHD from the media and our culture, and
- Symptoms that, as Gina writes, “intertwine and crossbreed in bewildering, shape-shifting combinations.”
Highlighting Key Myths
Chapter 1 primarily focuses on separating ADHD myth from fact, and I want to hit a few highlights here:
Myth: People with ADHD can’t focus.
Fact: People with ADHD have trouble directing their focus at appropriate times.
ADHD has more to do with having difficulty focusing one’s attention right now, on the most critical, task, speaker, or activity, and, once focus has been achieved, maintaining it instead of yielding to distraction.
In fact, many people with ADHD can often focus incredibly well—when they’re sufficiently interested in, or stimulated by the activity.
Myth: “ADHD means you have a low intelligence.”
So. your “brilliant” partner with several advanced degrees, or your kid on the honor roll, can’t possibly have it.
Fact: ADHD occurs across all levels of intelligence.
High intelligence can actually mask symptoms, but the person with ADHD will typically expend twice the effort to achieve half of the results of a person without ADHD.
Myth: “Only hyperactive little boys have ADHD.”
Fact: Hyperactivity is only one of the diagnostic criteria for ADHD.
Plus, it can look completely different in adults and children. Moreover, girls and women are historically underdiagnosed due to the stereotype of ADHD being a “rambunctious boy’s thing.”
Myth: “I had ADHD as a child, and grew out of it.”
Fact: Symptoms manifest differently in adults and children.
Hyperactive children can grow up to be mentally restless adults who get lost in web surfing or video games. Also, adults and children have different levels of responsibility, structure, and support, so symptoms can re-emerge (or be controlled more effectively) in different life circumstances.
Myth: “ADHD is a secret conspiracy of Big Pharma—a marketing gimmick to sell us medication we don’t need.”
Fact: The efficacy of stimulant medications for ADHD was discovered by accident, and has been researched for more than 60 years.
People With ADHD Are Individuals
Through it all, Gina repeatedly tries to pound this one fact into our heads: Every single person with ADHD is different.
Everyone will have their own symptom combination, their own maturity level, their own intelligence level, and their own personality.
ADHD is considered a syndrome: a condition with multiple symptoms that vary among the individuals who have it. That doesn’t make ADHD a ‘squishy’ diagnosis, though. Being a syndrome places it in the same category as dozens, if not hundreds of other well-recognized medical conditions that range from Reye’s Syndrome to Diabetes Type II.
However, after interacting with hundreds of partners of people with ADHD, Gina is able to give us a snapshot of what life with an ADHD partner can look like in day-to-day life.
Some of the top contenders:
- Distractibility: being easily diverted from the intended focus of attention
- Disorganization: losing track of time, items, and the order in which tasks should be done
- Poor Sustained Attention: difficulty initiating and/or finishing tasks
- Forgetfulness: “blanking” on everything from small tasks to important obligations to entire conversations.
- Restlessness: feeling “on the go” mentally or physically
- Poor Listening Skills: hearing only half of what was said, or mishearing huge chunks of it.
“Overwhelm” Overwhelmed Me
For me, “overwhelm” was my worst offender. My disorganization and poor prioritization meant that simply getting my kids out the door fed, clothed, and clean was a huge daily fight.
I couldn’t stand making the smallest mistake (such as losing my keys). Because, that would set a domino effect into action: I’d be late to work again, and have to stay later, and then dinner would be late, and then the kids would miss baths again, and then we wouldn’t sleep well…. which meant I was so sleepy that I’d forget where I put my purse next time, and the whole dang thing would start all over again the next morning.
I hated my life.
I internalized all of my failures and thought I was simply a horrible mother and homemaker.
Then, after I started ADHD medication, I was amazed at how much more patient I was as a parent, and as a wife. I could focus long enough to remember where I put things. I could find solutions for frustrating problems—such as making easier meals or buying clips for my key ring.
For This Week’s Reading:
- How did ADHD symptoms show up in your life, or your partner’s?
- Which myth had you harbored about ADHD before you learned more about it?
- What other thoughts did Chapter 1 spark for you?
We welcome your thoughts below in a comment; there are no annoying codes to enter.
Your story will help others. While it is useful to have read Chapter 1 first, please feel free to respond to the discussion even if you haven’t.
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Here is a hyperlinked list of all the posts in this series:
Hyperlinks to Each Post
And now for the preview of the chapter-by-chapter lineup: the book’s table of contents. Chapter titles appearing as hyperlinks correspond to an essay in the Book Club. Click to read.
From the Tunnel of Love to the Roller Coaster:
Could Your Partner Have ADHD?
Roller Coaster Whiplash and G-Force Confusion:
How Many Plunges Before You Say, “Whoa!”
Your Relationship and the Art of Roller Coaster Maintenance:
Four Success Strategies
Success Strategy #1: Taking Care of Yourself
Introduction: The Amusement Park’s Emergency Room
Success Strategy #2: Dealing With Denial
Introduction: Roller Coaster? What Roller Coaster?
13 Psychological Denial: The Fear Factor
16 More Solutions and Strategies
Success Strategy #3: Finding Effective Therapy
Introduction: Calling in a Consultant to Help Retrofit Your Ride
17 Why the Wrong Therapy Is Worse Than No Therapy
18 Therapy That Works for ADHD
19 More Solutions and Strategies
Success Strategy #4: Understanding Medication’s Role
Introduction: Tightening the Brakes on the Roller Coaster
This post from Jaclyn at The ADHD Homestead touches on a range of issues within this section on medication
21 Rx: Treatment Results That Last
22 Maximizing Lifestyle Choices, Minimizing Rx Side Effects
23 Catch Your Breath and Take Five
Adult ADHD Evaluation and Diagnosis
“But I Heard That…”: More Background for the Unconvinced
Three Views from Decades on the ADHD Roller Coaster