A new friend has graciously agreed to share his Success Story story with ADHD Roller Coaster readers:
The Rugged Reality of ADD, by Dylan Rosen
Do not read this if you are looking for a “Happy ADD Story.” I do not have the gold medals of Michael Phelps or the arm of Terry Bradshaw. My life has been a struggle from the time I walked into first grade to my current age of 30. If you want something real and authentic to someone’s experience with ADD, however, I hope you will read on.
My silent struggle
When I was in elementary school, my ADD symptoms were as classic as the Rolling Stones were to Rock ‘n Roll. However, I did very well. Teachers always said I was bright.
I did well in middle school too, even making the president’s list one marking period.
As I moved from middle school to high school, a couple things changed. My grades went from A’s and B’s to C’s and D’s. My relationships changed too. I grew apart from old friends and was not able to make new ones. I viewed myself as a loner, a recluse. My confidence was slipping, and I had begun to experience the awful taste of depression.
The pressure from my school’s academic standards became unbearable. I did not do well under that pressure, coupled with the negativity I always received at home. My parents expected high academic performance from me. After bringing home a poor interim report one semester, I was threatened to be sent to technical school, which frightened me. Going to trade school, growing up where I lived, was a sign of absolute failure.
I do not understand why my parents did not see me trying. I would try to complete my assignments but would get bored and find something else more stimulating like a video game. I would try to read, but this made me fall asleep.
Other issues began to seep into my academic life. I did not know how to manage my time. I could not sustain attention or plan out future activities. Projects in the future became a terrible task. I could not figure out ways to accomplish them. These abilities are crucial when you are grappling with learning about DNA or Julius Caesar.
I felt worthless and alone at the age of 15. I would cry a lot, because I was not good enough. My mom was verbally abusive and would even punch me with an closed fist. I moved out of her home in to my dad’s apartment just after I turned 16. This brought positive change to my life.
It did not change my grades.
My dad treated me the same way my mom and stepdad did, regarding my grades. C’s were not good enough, even if I tried my best. I always had this sense I was not trying hard enough. My dad failed to see that I was trying. I would work on chemistry and get that sense of tiredness in my eyes and stop.
I felt shame and also felt like I was a disappointment. I also had that feeling of being alone, a lifelong theme.
The years of negative attention and constantly being told what I did not do right took its toll on me. I felt like I could not be myself, and the world had made its statement: You got all A’s but you still got a C in math.
I limped into community college.
The same themes present in high school continued in college. I took a semester or two off and had multiple classes where I received “F”s. I felt really down on myself for not completing my education as the people I grew up with did.
I did not complete my Associate’s Degree until five years after I started. I was married by this time.
My mental health struggles continued, and depression made my life very challenging. Depression affected my relationship with my new wife and at work. I was not ready to seek treatment.
My work struggles began within the first couple months of marriage. I was let go at my job probably because I was not catching on quick enough. I had one job where I was yelled at for not being able to find tools or because I did not understand something quickly.
The boss, who yelled a lot, was always ready to jump down my throat. I was not trying to be a poor employee. All along I felt awful about myself and the feeling that I was in my own world of trouble, a desert without a human in sight.
During this time, I began to experience anxiety.
Confusion becomes clear
About three years later, my wife and I had decided to break up. What came next was life changing.
In the summer of 2006, I began seeking treatment for anxiety through my family doctor. I also went to see a therapist, who revealed the bigger challenge of my life.
After answering a questionnaire in our second session, she said, “You have ADD and you’ve had it your whole life.” I felt relief like a traveling and parched nomad, finally finding a well in a barren desert.
Several years later, my life is alright. I own a condo and received my Bachelor’s degree, graduating Magna Cum Laude. It took me ten years to complete. The same year I graduated with my degree, I was fired from my job. I was not getting enough work done.
I cannot help but wonder how I slipped through the cracks laid by people who were supposed to be looking out for me. Recently, I have been pondering why they were not able to reach me when I was a kid, even without the ADD diagnosis. I was bombarded by negative messages on my report cards about my school work. They have never left me.
I am a living example of the damage this disorder can do to someone’s life. I am an example of how doing your very best with what you have been given is still not good enough. I am constantly compensating for insecurities, which are probably do to my poor relationship with my mom and also never measuring up to what was expected of me.
I have some positive things in my life, which bring me hope. I dream of being married again but know how challenging it will be to find someone who is safe and understanding.
I am a volunteer with Big Brothers Big Sisters. My “little” has some medical problems, and I picked him for this reason. It has been a joy for me to spend time with him and give him things I did not receive as a boy. Big Brothers and Big Sisters has taught me boundaries to use when I interact with him.
My heart crumbled when my “little” told my supervisor he loved me.
The major joy in my life is my participation in an online community dedicated to people with ADD. I am among great people and finally feel like I am not alone. I finally have what I have always deserved regardless of what or how I did something.
This is love, support, and acceptance.
Dylan and I welcome your comments. Just scroll down the page; no registration or annoying codes to enter.
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Where to start!?!? I appreciate the time people take to put their story out there so that others can learn from them. I’m struggling with how to maintain a strong relationship with my husband. I’ve been married to my add/adhd husband going on 6yrs this May. We started out as high school friends back ’94. Our first year 2006 of marriage seemed to be like any other, the honeymoom phase. *note* my husband is military, going on 15yrs now. I was never made aware until 2009 of the fact that he had add/adhd as a child & that he was still struggling. During our second year of marriage we started having huge communication problems. We (should I say “I”) first blew it off and attributed it to his deployment to Iraq. Things began getting more & more difficult to deal with, especially getting his help to do household chores & giving me special attention. These past 3years have been tearing us further apart. I’ve ask him to seek help to little avail. I feel as if I’m reaching my breaking point over this. But after reading Dylan’s story & other’s postings has shed a new light for me & has me hoping that maybe we can go see someone together to help coach us in understanding & managing his add/adhd better so that we can stay strong together. I have come to realize that my actions & reactions have played a part in our tumbling marriage due to not understanding add/adhd & being hurt by it so much. But I also understand that it is a two way street & that I can’t fix him. So now it is time to figure out if this is something that I am strong enough & accepting enough to work thru this. Any guidance or direction in where to seek help would be greatly appreciated. I love my husband, I want to make our marriage work. Thank You to all who have enlighten those of us who did not have an fuller understanding of what ADD/ADHD is all about. I must sign off now as I have life duties that are calling my name to get done. We are currently located in the Fort Campbell, KY/ Clarksville TN area. So if anyone out is willing to help , I’d like to be able to get together with others to be able to build a support system to help each other out with managing living with ADD/ADHD and our loved ones. Thank you again for your stories & I hope haven’t bored anyone with my own. ambiasca@gmailcom
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Hi Angela,
It would be great if you could tap into local support. You could check the CHADD website to see if there is a chapter nearby. If not, you could see if there are chapters in KY or TN that would be willing to work with you as a satellite. CHADD members also can access online discussion groups.
In the meantime, if you haven’t read my book (Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?), I encourage you to do so. It’s not enough to seek help; there is too much variability in clinicians. You need to be able to assess their knowledge, and that relies on your educating yourself first. I wrote my book to be a comprehensive guide for everyone (partners of, adults with ADHD, and clinicians) to understand Adult ADHD’s many manifestations and its evidence-based treatment strategies.
Good luck,
Gina
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@Angela, thank you for reading and posting your comment. It makes the writing worth it all over again.
You’re learning something so valuable to a spouse: people with ADD have real struggles.
The difficulty your DH has had with chores and giving you special attention are real. It’s not because he doesn’t care or love you, and he probably even wishes he was doing better. I can remember telling my ex that I was going to do help around the house, and I never followed through.
The more you learn about ADD the easier it will be for you to handle his struggles and what he can and can’t do.
Gina’s right about her book. It’s really informative and provides information from leading researchers.
Best,
Dylan -
Thank you all for your posts. I almost wanted to cry as I read them. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD after my daughter was. We had been married for almost ten years at that point. I am constantly surrounded by chaos and mess. Things are forgotten and mother’s day went by without as much as an acknowledgement from him. I am a school teacher, so I understand what ADD does in the classroom, but I had no idea how it affected so much of daily life. I need to know how to get his attention and get him to help and do things around the house. He stays home with the kids and that has been a disaster, but it did not make financial sense for him to drive the distance that he was driving to go to a job where he was basically working to be able to pay the sitter. Okay, honestly it has not been a complete disaster. I have noticed that the kids are a lot closer to him now that he has been home with them during the day for the last year and a half. I am thankful for that, but the simple necessary things get forgotten about. I get home from work late in the afternoon or early evening and the kids are not even dressed or haven’t brushed their teeth yet. The youngest one has eaten all of the junk food and left food all around the house and he is sitting in front of the computer. I know that he loves us, but I do not know how much longer I can handle the stress of it. Plus, the kids are starting to learn his habits. Plus, the oldest has ADD. I am wondering about the other two, but it is too early to tell.
I am so sorry. I am pretty sure that this probably sounds like a lot of ranting and I have probably lost the whole point of this somewhere. I just needed a chance to vent where my husband would not be criticized. I can’t talk about this with anyone, because as was stated by another person, people begin to believe that he is lazy. Please send any advice that you may have and thank you again for sharing your story and affirming what is going on here.
Best wishes,
Melissa-
Hi Melissa,
I’m glad you found us. It sounds like your husband is diagnosed but not pursuing any treatment?
If he is the stay-at-home dad, he needs to start addressing his ADHD-related challenges. Kids need routines, organization, and conscientious supervision.
I recommend that you educate yourself fully about Adult ADHD and its treatment strategies. You could start with my book. There’s no getting around the fact that you’ll have to invest more time and effort to learn how to turn things around at home. Your kids will benefit from this.
best,
Gina
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I am having trouble accepting my husband’s ADHD which was diagnosed 1.5 years ago. He is getting treatment. His first focus was to do well at work because he simultaneously got a very demanding job. Now I’m realizing it’s time for him to focus on how he behaves at home, which is atypical ADHD but still a roller coaster. He says things without thinking them through to me, and thinks he’s right, so I go with what he says and then often realize he didn’t think it through and I get very angry. Even with treatment, I cannot expect him to be stable in his thinking. So I feel I can’t trust what he says, and just when I get to trusting him again, he’ll say something without thinking it through and I can’t trust again, so it’s that kind of roller coaster. Plus, it takes so much mental energy for him to do well at work that when he comes home he’s exhausted. I can’t get past the fact he is always trying so hard and I’m sick of it being such a huge effort. Plus, I’m sick and tired of helping him with it. I don’t think life should be such a big struggle – he also has a bit of a child neediness mentality which makes him look at having adhd as this huger than necessary hurdle. I get it’s INCREDIBLY hard for him but his limitations bother me. Yes I know every man has imperfections but I feel tired, so tired, from dealing with this. The love is seeping away.
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I hear you, Jackie. Every person with ADHD is different. We can’t make any blanket conclusions or offer any blanket advice. Each person must do what’s right for his or her own life.
That said, I always question when people say someone is “in treatment,” because I know that most treatment is sub-par.
I would wonder if your husband’s medication is even active when he is interacting with you, in the evenings or on the weekends.
I also wonder if you both could use some strategies that help you to know when he’s just saying something impulsively and when he really means it.
good luck sorting this out,
Gina
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Hi,
Thanks a lot for your post. My question is about denying the ADHD condition. My husband and I are going to marital consulting and looks like he has ADHD, he definitely is denying and completely refuses to get a deep diagnosis an treatment. Things between us are getting really bad day after day, he lost his job and he is still rejecting any diagnosis and help. he believes that I am the cause or all the bad things. I am very ready to divorce because things are getting very out of control, but we have a 1 year old son and I am 3 months pregnant. My last hope is for him to start treatment and therapy o whatever is needed but for now that hope looks impossible. I do not understand why he does not want to get help, because he complains a lot about his unhappiness and depression and firs and very low self esteem.-
Hi Aida,
There are many reasons for “denial” around ADHD. It can be partly caused by the symptoms themselves.
Here is another blog post I wrote on the topic:
http://adultadhdrelationships.blogspot.com/2011/03/adult-adhd-question-and-answer-on-adhd.html
You will need to learn all you can about Adult ADHD in order to get help, especially before the baby arrives.
I encourage you to read my book. Pronto.
Good luck!
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