Why?

I was finally diagnosed with ADD, after being treated for clinical depression (Dysthimia, with some narcisstic & OCD tendencies”) since I was 15. I am now 40.

In my early 20s, a psychiatrist who jumped on the Prozac bandwagon did the only helpful thing he had done ever.
Life changed, I felt “normal” for the first time since age 11 was able to organize things without thinking SO hard about each and every item…It was utterly heavenly…I finally felt I could realize my dreams, I only had to work at accomplishing them. All was great.

But that only lasted for about 8 months or so, then slowly started to decline…and with it, my organization, life, relationship, business, etc.

It was initially my own persistance last year, and through internet research I figured it out myself, and finally a local heath unit nurse referred me to a Psychiatrist, who after doing his tests agreed fully with the diagnosis I had arrived at, and Ritalin was perscribed.

Still working on it, and am now taking Methylphenidate, which has allowed me to see that I no longer have to just “cope.” I am self employed in a business in which I NEED to be highly organized, dealing with lots of, and aquiring lots of, “stuff”.

There were periods of times were I was very organized, but, as anyone who knows ADD, it always seems to fall apart at some juncture. Organization for me = making good money, paying bills…until the decline of the ability to stay organized. I know I am very good at what I do, but the ADD and the results make me question that all too often, and, well, the self-esteem has taken lots of blows though the years.

The other amazing thing was reading the letter from James, it was like I had written it, except that it has never been a “gift” as far as I am concerned. (I love being well organized…but I am rarely ever organized.)

My wife was also diagnosed with MS about a year or so ago, and we were also only just married a year prior to that. It has been a struggle, and still is. I am hoping that applying the suggestions I have seen here, etc, that things will get better. I can see a discussion between the wife and I about the whole thing, coming up in the future.

I/we are a work in progress….!

As for cognitive dependency, I find myself reading those accounts with a painful envy. Some of us, with ADD, are still the one on whom other family members depend, cognitively and otherwise. It would be so swell to be able to hand the organizational reins to someone else. It would be a relief. I believe I am going to have to be a widow in an empty nest to ever be able to get an actual handle on my life again.

Lastly, I took care of my aging/dying mother for something over three years. It was emotionally hard but cognitively not hard. As Tricia said, if one can focus, one can FOCUS. Some of us are inattentive; others of us are hyperattentive. Since my cognitive filter is inferior, I notice everything (whether I wish to, or not). I was able to discern subtle changes in my mother’s condition and I was always more accurate at their interpretation than anyone else in her sphere. Exquisite sensitivity can be a handicap, but in this situation it was useful. However, I was so much more aware of the emotional implications to her, for example, of nurses wading into her room without an introduction (she could hardly see), that I was in pain myself a lot of the time.

The management might have been the least of it. It was during that time, though, that the extraordinary demands of my life overwhelmed my capacity to compensate for faulty brain function, and I was finally diagnosed with ADD.

My guess is that sibling never questioned their own pre-conceived ideas. Perhaps, it would be a good idea to sit down with that family member and have the conversation about what your abilities ARE.

My bi-polar sister isn’t capable of living on her own. But she manages my father with Alzheimer’s like nothing I have ever seen. Anyone calling her incapable solely because of her BPD is opening the door for a spirited rebuttal, I can tell you.

I won’t promise you will change that sibling’s mind. I do think that you will feel better for having the conversation, and just possibly, they might think twice before deciding that you CAN’T do something just because of the ADHD.

I would bet that you have a greater ability to be a strong partner in your wife’s care than you give yourself credit for. Even you said that you have buried your strengths for so long that you no longer know what they are. There is a whole lot of truth there.

Mike did something that I didn’t understand the value of until later. He simply assumed that I would be able to manage. Don’t get me wrong- he knew better than to hand me responsibility for our financial life, but the things that he needed from me, he simply *assumed* I would handle. He would tell me frequently- especially when I was in frustration melt-down- “But Sweetheart, I know you can do this. You’re already doing it. You’re doing a fine job.”

There is a certain power that comes from having someone believe in you- and tell you about it. I don’t know that I can say precisely what it is, I just know that hearing his confidence made ME more confident. Today, that is something I treasure.

Gina is absolutely spot on. Yes, you need to talk about how you FEEL. But you also need to reach out for the practical help you need too.

When I could see that we were going to be engaging Hospice sooner than later, I reached out to a terribly organized neighbor and asked for help. Partly because I knew that she wouldn’t drop it until I finished- at least enough that we could easily set up care for him downstairs. Because we didn’t use it often, our living/dining room had become a dumping ground. It needed to be cleared and quickly.

Four hours later with this wonderful lady, and I had space. Was it perfect? Nope. That wasn’t the look we were going for. She left me organized enough that I could pick at the task as I had time. THAT alone was a great gift.

From my perspective, you need to figure out WHAT you need to do. What are the practical things? Is it taking on a household chore or taking on organizing her medical file or stepping in to make meals? Sit down together and figure out what the practicals are.

From the emotional side, start having conversations that are necessary. Get in the habit of it. Share a box of Kleenex and talk about it. You have ADHD and some of those conversations are going to really challenge your attention. I had them with a bean bag in my lap. Whatever works for you to enable you to be present.

What I learned was that I was a whole lot more capable than I gave myself credit for. I am going to bet that you have a similar experience.

Thanks for sharing your story.

I’m sorry to hear that your siblings weren’t as kind as they could have been.

What I’ve found in my life is that, if you aren’t in close contact with siblings, they tend to pigeonhole you based on past behavior (when you were in close contact). Being the baby of 7 children, I think I will always be seen as the baby – even when I’m 70.

I’m glad to hear about the Vitamin D. If your wife is low, maybe you should get tested, too. Vit D deficiency can affect mood, brain function, etc. My husband grew up in Canada, and when he was finally tested, his level was 17!!! Far below the desired average of 50 or more.

As for therapy, one leading ADHD expert, psychologist Kathleen Nadeau, says that the way for people with ADHD to build self-esteem is to have success.

It might be that, instead of therapy, you could start with a professional organizer who understands ADHD. Then you could get help with practical systems that support you.

My point is that sometimes “talking” about the issues must be accompanied by practical support in one’s daily life (with keeping track of time, getting organized, following routines, etc.)

g

Amazing post. I should point out that I’m at work so I haven’t had a chance to read the whole thing.Oddly my wife was just put on high doses of vitamin D. I am still planning on seeing a therapist who handles ADHD because I need to learn coping tools.I also need to learn what my strengths are because I have buried them for so long from being criticized for the way I am.I’m at work so I haven’t had a chance to read the whole post

Thank you everyone for your time with this and Tricia I am sorry for your loss

James

It’s actually an issue I’ve been advocating about for many years, though indirectly.

Tricia, you and Mike were obviously blessed to have each other. And I’m sure you “compensated” for him in many ways, too.

But I often think about those people with ADHD who are trapped in unhappy or even abusive relationships because they depend on their mates for life’s logistics.

When my husband was first diagnosed, in 1999, the clinic said, “We usually suggest that our patients with ADHD have partners who are well-organized and supportive.”

First, I was gobsmacked. They were saying that I was part of his treatment, that I had to keep doing all the “hard tedious stuff” for him, even as he thwarted my best efforts right and left? Didn’t they know I was flat-out exhausted and my brain barely chugging along?

Next, I was dumbfounded. That’s the best they can do for their patients with ADHD? What about single people not yet in a relationship? That should be part of their relationship goal: finding someone to compensate for their unaddressed ADHD challenges? As if it’s not hard enough to find a compatible mate, they want to start off a relationship on that litmus test and unequal footing?

And what if their love object has ADHD, too? Or did the clinic offer a dating service, matching organized types with their ADHD clients? Maybe there was even insurance reimbursement.

It made no sense to me. And I can assure you, that clinic giving my husband Adderall and platitudes was nothing short of a disaster. So it’s not like they weren’t actually looking to me to do all the heavy lifting.

For everyone’s sake, but especially the person with ADHD, the treatment goal should be optimizing function, in my humble opinion. Good treatment gives the person with ADHD the ability to choose a mate, choose a job, choose a vocation based on their fullest capacity, not based on challenges that might very well respond to treatment (if only it were better treatment).

OF COURSE, the partners of adults with ADHD must “get it” and try to meet their partners halfway. Of course, tasks and responsibilities can be divvied up with each person’s strengths/weaknesses in mind. But, to my mind, when a clinician or coach encourages this kind of dependency, it’s a diversion from the client noticing that they are not getting the kind of treatment they deserve.

talk about soapboxes……see what a complex issue you’ve presented us with, Tricia?

I am a layperson despite some nursing experience many years ago. ER. Who knew?

When Mike was first diagnosed, I looked EVERYWHERE and couldn’t find one single thing that spoke to the challenges of ADHD and (a) primary caregiving and (b) all the mass of *stuff* I was going through.

It wasn’t enough that I was facing the loss of my best friend, companion, lover, spouse. I was also losing the person who had made it possible for me to look functional- even on my worst days. I was losing the person who allowed me to play to my own strengths while he took care of things that baffle me… like finances and getting places on time. He was my rock, my rudder.

In the weeks that he has been gone, I KNOW instinctively that, while I might have something of a handle on this, I have places where I have totally lost the plot. How many people look at a checkbook and burst into tears?

Part of that is normal grieving. Not all of it.

The difficulty is that NO ONE talks about this. I personally own some fifty or sixty books about ADHD. NOT ONE tells me a darned thing about how to manage what you refer to as ‘Cognitive Dependency”. (I just knew there was a name for it!)

The killer is that this is something that no one knows anything about or is not comfortable in discussing.

We need information. More, better information.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 1967. There has not been a time in my life when I didn’t know I had it. I was re-diagnosed in 2003. Yep, still there, right where I left it. I was born at the tail of the baby boom. My peers- all those Boomers are aging. If the statistics are correct, around 5% have ADHD.

The discussion of ADHD and the way we experience grief, loss, AND being a primary caregiver needs to start BEFORE we discover that we’ve missed something.

I’ll put the soapbox away now…