For more information about the book Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.? —including excerpts, endorsements from top experts (Drs. Russell Barkley, Anthony Rostain, Daniel Amen, Harville Hendrix, Stephen Hinshaw, Michele Novotni, Margaret Weiss, and many more), free excerpts, and so forth, visit the website for the book: ADHDRollerCoaster.com
Why an ADHD Roller Coaster?
What’s the connection between Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder and a roller coaster?
When the partners of adults with ADHD join a support group, they frequently use this analogy—because life with their undiagnosed or “in-denial” ADHD partners is sometimes thrilling but too many times it’s whiplash-inducing, from sudden, unexpected drops on the roller coaster of moods and impulses, distractions and forgotten promises.
Guess what? The adults with ADHD, in their own discussion groups, also talk about living on a roller coaster—or drifting through heavy fog—until they learned they had ADHD. Suddenly, they had an explanation for why, no matter how smart they were or how hard they tried, they had a much harder time with some things than the people around them did. (Things like being on time for important events, paying bills, staying focused throughout a meeting, or being able to pay attention to a loved one’s words or feelings.) Unfortunately, many of their partners are in denial, too!
I can’t quote the adults with ADHD, because I don’t take notes during our meeting. But here are some examples from their partners, taken from their posts from an online support group (with permission):
I was on the verge of filing for divorce when I read about Adult ADD. I was amazed that a medical condition might explain my husband’s video-game fixation, his moods, his absent-mindedness, his impulsive spending, and our roller-coaster life!—Jeanette
My girlfriend and I can have a great conversation, lay out plans, and the next day she has forgotten it—or has an entirely different memory! This mental roller coaster is messing with my mind! —Sean
We just learned that my husband has ADD. We dated long-distance for five years, but only after marriage did this roller coaster of mood swings and miscommunications begin. I really need to exit this ride soon, but I’d like my husband to come with me. Is that even possible? —Susan
Our relationship has been a roller coaster of good times and bad for 16 years. We have something special, but I’m getting too old for the frustrations. I thought she’d learn to stop doing things without thinking of consequences, but she never does. I love her, but something must change. —Christopher
For years, my husband and I blamed each other for all the confusion, hurt, and miscommunications. Meanwhile, the emotional and logistical roller coaster—of unpaid bills, bad judgment calls, and co-parenting issues—kept us both too dizzy to see straight. The idea of ADD is the only thing that’s made sense in our lives for a long, long time. —Abby
After two years of arguing with my new wife about her saying or doing inconsiderate things, we read an article about ADD. After being diagnosed, she tried medication and life was good! Now, she’s decided she doesn’t need it, and it’s back to the roller coaster. —Jack
Ack! I feel like I’ve been living on a roller coaster. I never know whether my husband will be up or down, loving or critical, on time or late. Before he was diagnosed, I blamed myself for our unhappiness, because he convinced me that was true.—Suzanne
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My husband has ADD and it is a constant battle to understand why he does things sometimes. More often than not I feel as though I am walking on pins and needles, helpless in my own relationship in the fact that I am trying my best to be understanding and helpful. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always help. If there is some outside factor that triggers his mood, there will be an immediate shift in mood and hurtful things are said. – Vanessa
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Hi Vanessa,
It’s no fun to walk on pins and needles. I hope you can find a way to get him to consider treatment.
good luck,
Gina
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Vanessa, I completely understand. My partner is the same. He is particularly bad when driving a car. He gets so aggressive with other drivers. I will be trying to say something and he will interrupt me to shout at another driver.
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Vanessa, you don’t deserve to walk on pins and needles, ADD or not.
Unhealthy or negative mood states seem relatively easy for me to drift into. I carry around note cards that help me get out of them. For instance, if I’m feeling like I haven’t been given what I have wanted out of life, I’ll read my note card with a list of things I’m grateful for. It takes something external to shift my mood into something healthier.
I’m sure my ex could empathize with you, and I hope you realize it’s more about him than you.
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vanessa, I truly hope the relationship is getting better, being afraid of how the other person is going to react will always lead to an unstable relationship. I have a.d.d. and it has caused alot of diffuculty in my relationship with my wife but the is a bright side of it, I feel that our relationship is getting better with the help of the medicie and the books that are out their, we are here to help….dave
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This year is our 10th year of marriage. Last week-end, I actually told him that if it were not for our 2 daughters, I would have left him this last Saturday.
And today (after 2 months of intense stress, frustration and high desire to put a name on the situation) I discover this blog and Gina’s work.
HOPE !!!! A sign that there might be an exit to those 10 years of roller-coaster !!!Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Gina and all partners sharing their experience.
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I’m wishing you and your family the best, Larissa!
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After 37 years of marriage I am near calling it quits. My husband has just embraced the fact that he has AAHD and has started medication therapy. Although the medication has helped him, I am having problems trusting his efforts to be more reliable, accountable and engaged. The anger and frustration built up over the years as a result of his behavior is eating me up and he has no recognition of the pain I have been in. Now I feel like the one with the problem!
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After 37 years, Kathy, I can understand how the old patterns and hurts could be hard to heal.
I encourage you to talk with a compassionate therapist who understands the impact of untreated ADHD on loved ones. It’s important that your pain be validated. Unfortunately, your husband might not be the best person to do that now. He is no doubt dealing with his own “emotional baggage” of living many decades without benefit of ADHD diagnosis. So much bewilderment and adjustment for everyone.
take care,
g
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How do I find a truly qualified psychologist/psychiatrist to meet with my wife and me to try to make some progress? After many tries at therapy I don’t think the general professionals are adequately trained in this field of study. Specifically, my wife has rather severe inattentive type adult ADD and nobody we’ve ever sought council from appeared to understand the first thing about the challenges we face.
Colorado springs area
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Hi Jay,
I know. It’s so frustrating.
In the early days, my husband and I would redouble our efforts to resolve our problems rather than face another trip to a therapist who couldn’t help us. And would take our money. While sitting there with mouth agape.
I grew tired of paying money to educate/entertain couples therapists about ADHD!
Now, I am working on a clinician’s guide for couples therapists. I was asked to write it, in fact, by a major professional-guide publisher.
To answer your question:
1. have you read my book?
2. is your wife pursuing medical treatment, and has that been optimized (read my book’s chapters on medication)?
3. I’d forget about therapy until you’ve done 1 and 2.Occasionally, I will provide limited telephone consultation. I don’t always have time, and it’s not something I advertise. But I feel for couples who are really up against a wall. And, an hour or two with me often helps couples to zero in on good targets instead of continuing to circle in chaos.
Contact me if you are interested: gina@ADHDRollerCoaster.com
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Hi Gina,
I’m reading your book now and it is great. The difficulty I’m having is, while my suspicions that all of our past therapists were clueless appear to be validated, I don’t know how to find someone who can help us.
My wife is taking dex and wellbutrin and while she seems to be getting a lot out of it I see essentially no change. I’m in a marriage where I’m essentially alone. I don’t have the hyperactive crazy husband syndrome that is so often mentioned in your excellent book. I have the quiet wife who ignores her kids school work, ignores me and is disorganized to an epic extent. Once I fell out of her hyper-focus I’ve become “That guy who lives here and pays the bills who forces me to answer questions on occasion.”
Ideally I’d like to find a psychologist who can see us both, individually and separately and provide us with some helpful advice and exercises . That my wife feels benefit from her meds is a good thing, but sitting with her daughter to work on homework equates to climbing mt. everest for her. I end up managing everything and I can’t even get her to pay attention when it’s all laid out in front of her. It’s epic adult inattentive add.
That being said, she’s also awesome in many ways and I’m committed to working toward an improved marriage. We’re 5 years in with 2 sets of step-kids,
As your book amazingly guessed, I for the first time in my life have started taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. I am having a lot of trouble remembering what fun we once had.
Thanks
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Hi Jay,
Actually my book does not focus primarily on the “hyperactive husband.” You must be thinking of another book.
And it doesn’t sound like you’ve read the medication chapters and the rest of the Success Strategy chapters, because ideally you should be working with your wife to identify medication targets the track medication efficacy. A team approach is what it takes. No amount of therapy is going to compensate for poorly treated ADHD symptoms. Period.
I know it’s hard, but really, there is no “easy” way around it.
If you don’t have a skilled therapist with ADHD expertise to guide you week by week, you need to read my book. ALL of it.
And you need to follow the success strategies therein.
Even after your wife’s medication (and yours) has been optimized, there are other strategies. Such as perhaps finding a high school kid in the neighborhood to help your kids with homework. Your wife, even if well medicated, just might not be able to do that to anyone’s satisfaction — hers, yours, or the child’s.
The point is to think PRACTICAL, not always expecting therapy to solve practical problems. Sometimes a professional organizer with knowledge of ADHD will take you much farther than therapy.
Good luck,
g
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Hi Gina,
Thanks for the advise. I am reading your book (rollercoaster) but no, I haven’t read it all yet. I will read it cover to cover as you suggest. I’ve also read “The ADHD Marriage Effect” which had some good info in it as well.
I’ll be in touch when I’ve finished reading the book. Then I think my best option is to call every therapist in town and try to ascertain their level on the topic and see if I can find one that is helpful. Thus far our therapy sessions have been based on explaining each-other’s feelings and asking if I can be more accepting; aka parent my wife essentially.
Thanks again for your time and your book has been helpful, although the reality of the situation is often harder to bear than that initial hope for some kind of solution to magically appear.
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Just be sure to read the chapters on therapy before you go shopping. It should save you time, frustration, and $$$$.
Solutions will not magically appear. But they appear a lot more readily if you follow the evidence-baased strategies in my book. They come not only from my personal experience in my life and as a facilitator of groups for both adults with ADHD and their partners, but the research of top experts.
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Hi Gina,
I think drugs may work wonders with ADHD. I want to know the effectiveness non-stimulant drugs on ADHD, which may have beneficial effects on those persons with other disorders such as seizure. Thanks.
Haja Sahib-
Hi Haja,
That is a good question. And a hard one to answer, even if you asked experts with more medical expertise than I possess.
Because it really depends on the person. Individual neurochemistry — and the rest of an individual’s biochemistry — are key.
In my observation, the non-stimulant medication for ADHD (Strattera) works well for many people as a “foundational” medication, meaning taken at a lower dose in combination with a stimulant. It provides 24/7 “coverage” and helps with the sleep issues that plague so many people with ADHD.
At the higher doses, I mostly hear of side effects, especially for men. With prostate, urinary tract, etc. Or sedation.
But, if the stimulants are contraindicated for other health reasons, there are MANY other medications available today that can help with various ADHD-related symptoms. Typically, they were not developed to treat such symptoms but are used “off label” in lower doses.
Dr. Ted Mandelkorn reviews many of the common medications used to treat ADHD+ in this blog post and the subsequent installment:
http://adhdrollercoaster.org/the-basics/all-about-medications-for-adhd-part-i/#.UMoLT4UftrE
I hope this helps.
Gina
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Hi Gina,
I have a friend at work who has ADHD. We get along well, but it can be very difficult at times to know what is the ADHD and what is him. Any thoughts or advice would be truly appreciated!-
Hi Olivia,
Your question covers a lot of territory! There’s no way I can cover it sufficiently in a response here.
If you haven’t read my book, I recommend that you do that. It will help not only with your friend at work but with any other people you know.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0981548709/?tag=wwwginaperaco-20
Meanwhile, you can read this post (What is ADHD? What is Personality?) at my other blog: http://adultadhdrelationships.blogspot.com/2011/04/q-on-adult-adhd-what-is-personality.html
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